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I Don't Care If You Think I'm A Bad Mother

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After thinking for some time last night about my children's punishment I've decided on making them clean the whole house top to bottom and I'm gonna make it last all day. My kids ages 6,7,& 10 are very unruly. DH and I have tried many forms of punishment. We cut out TV, no going outside to play, no company, no toys, no kind of junk food, etc. just school homework and bed. Pretty boring if you ask me but they won't change. We rent where we stay and expensive blinds came with the place, they have cut both sets in their rooms and no one wants to own up to it. Crayon and pencil marks on the wall. They have tore up our diner set put holes in the sofa tore up their socks and other clothing needed. Oldest ds lost his brand new jacket and doesn't seem to care and they all continue to lie and all but youngest continues to steal. It's driving DH and I crazy. They talk back, talk smart under their breath and have no respect for DH and I but treat everyone else like royalty. So this morning I decided to make them work all day long. I'm still pissed as I write this. I got soapy water and brooms and woke them up this morning. They each will sweep the house, with the exception of my bedroom. I have decided since oldest wants to raise his voice, steal from me and talk back, he will be cleaning the floors by hand, middle ds is cleaning the bathroom and wiping walls, and youngest ds is wiping baseboards, doors and handles and using a toothbrush to get marks off the walls. I've even pulled everything out of closets and dumped all dresser drawers on their beds. Some parents might say this is too extreme I say it isn't extreme enough.
by on Jan. 25, 2014 at 12:42 PM
Replies (101-107):
sdbcoach
by Sue on Jan. 28, 2014 at 7:58 AM

You are acting as if their behavior is against you personally. Listen to what they are saying. Are you in tune with them at all? What are they angry about? How are you present with them? Angry yourself? Punishment doesn't work unless you communicate what it is you are targeting. Communicate what you are wanting in their behavior and why. Showing respect for your things comes from respect for one another. Go back to basics and find out what's going on for you in this scenario. Get some good help and start again. A great resource I've found is Carol Tuttle, "The Child Whisperer" author. Her website has lots of helpful information and perhaps a plan for you too. Good luck.

mommy4ever07
by on Jan. 28, 2014 at 10:25 AM

A chores and reward chart is a great start, verbally prasing them after hey do something but a physical reward if they do all their chores for the week or so many chores in a week. Also maybe try doing one on one time on the weekends. They each get to pick a parent to spend time with one weekend and pick an activity, because you only have three they each get a weekend and hen it leave you a weekend for family time every month. The extra undivided attention may help. You don't need 3 of you for the 3 of them. They have proven that they can't be trust in a room without adult surpvision so until they do so they have to stay in the room you or your husband are in. It might mean sitting at the kitchen table  while you clean up,  or having to be taking to the bathroom where they all go at the same time and you stand outside the door till they earn the trust back. You can do, they just have to earn the trust back. But you need to figure out why they are acting the way they are and go from there, you have to fix the reason for the behavior or the behavior will keep comming back. We have 4 LOs now and trying for number 5 you can do it momma, just hang in there. 

Quoting MissDucre: You're right I don't want them thinking that everytime they do a chore or have good behavior that they get a reward, it is defeating the purpose but I think I should throw some surprise in somewhere to let them know other than words that I appreciate them nothing major tho maybe an extra 30mins at the park or with some toy. Sometimes I feel like I need three of me for one of them lol

Quoting mommy4ever07:

I wouldn't use food as a punishment or a reward as it can led to eatting disorders. but it sounds like your kids need more supervision.


Mom2Kyle03
by Member on Jan. 28, 2014 at 3:54 PM

On top of punishing them, you need to teach them respect for their things, your home, etc. That should have been taught when they were young and you wouldn't be having this issue today. No children of those ages should be cutting blinds and drawing on walls and things. Time to buckle down mama

littlepinkrose
by Member on Jan. 28, 2014 at 4:22 PM
Good for you!! Don't give up they took awhile to get there it will take awhile to get them back. You do have to make sure they are safe so snow requires warm clothing but you don't have to get them the newest or coolest stuff. Sounds like you are trying good luck.

Quoting MissDucre: I've started doing all this with their toys locked up right now outside in the utility room. I haven't bought any more clothes and don't plan on it until the new school year. I swear you must be in my head because I've been doing everything you wrote with one exception, I did get my oldest a pair or gloves because we are about to have a severe snow storm and just make him bundle up with extra clothes. I can't take the blinds down policy of this complex but I made them sit on top of each other( they're the kind that look like wood but white) to look like nothings wrong with them until we get them replaced so they're in the house with us until its time for bed then one of us goes in our bedroom until they're sleep. I might just put the dressers in storage at my mil and use baskets for them. I do have a lock on my bedroom and I keep it locked with the key on me at all times can't be caught slipping lol, its where I hid all the snacks I got for them



Quoting littlepinkrose:

This is a good start.  Next time when the oldest ones go to school I say go in the room and remove everything except for the bed and dressers.  If they have toys take them if they have books notebooks whatever take it all even the clothes.  Put it in boxes or bags labeled and put it in the basement or if you do not have one the attic or even your bedroom if it is big enough.

They can come get a pair of clothing the night before for school and pajamas and that is it.  If they behave they may earn one item a week back that you have took.  It may be a radio or Ipad whatever or book or toy whatever is  that they want.

If son lost his jacket oh well don't buy him another one.  If he wants another jacket he can buy it with his own money.  If behaviour continues they will not get there stuff back or get it taken away again.  I am serious if they have a computer or t.v. in there room take it.  They can use your computer for homework if need be.

Hope some of this helps keep up with the cleaning do it weekly.  If they don't have crayons no marks on the wall.  No pencils no marks.  No clothes except for the pair they wear for the next day no more holes.  They will not put holes in what they have to wear to school the next day.

Start throwing away what they put holes in.  That will stop that behavior once they start losing clothes.  Do not buy them new ones.  If they come too missing all clothes go to the thrift store and if they have any money use that along with what you need to make up to buy them some clothes.

Also, do not buy allot just a one or two pairs of jeans and a few shirts.  Take the blinds down and put blankets over there windows just tack them up.  If they rip the blankets they do not get new ones for a month.  That would be mortifying for a kid to have nothing in there window and have to get dressed in the bathroom.

Do you have a lock for your room.  See if you can get one and make sure it locks with a key from the outside.  This way your stuff stays safe and if you have there stuff it will stay in there.

Janet
by Ruby Member on Jan. 29, 2014 at 8:31 AM

ADHD can be very difficult to deal with.

daevans
by Member on Jan. 29, 2014 at 11:23 AM
I did this a lot as a child. Me and my younger brother. It taught us team work. When he got in trouble so did I. It was like a guilt trip. I wouldn't want him punished for something I did and vice versa. My kids are 2 and 4, so for now time outs and no toys work for us
wickedstepjenn
by Member on Jan. 29, 2014 at 2:42 PM
Ive done the same as mine sound just as bad as yours. I hope it works. It helped my youngest shes 11 now but was 10. Nothing has helped my 12yr old boy. Hes out of control. Im at my wits end. Hes why im noton much ugh. good luck!
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