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Mother in laws

Posted by on Feb. 16, 2014 at 3:31 PM
  • 13 Replies

I need advice regarding my future mother-in-law. I am a young mom and live with my fiance's family until we both complete college. I am very grateful to have a place to stay without having to stress over bills. However, I have a few issues with her and do not know how to let them go or talk to her about them. I am normally very laid back and quiet by nature. She is not. She is very blunt and forceful. I admire these traits in her but also hate them as they are the cause of my problems.

First, she belives that up until my son starts school, I should not work. While that is a good idea, it is not going to be practical as in two years when we both graduate, I have student loans to pay off. 

Second, she believes that because I am home all day taking care of my son as well as attempting to take online classes I should be able to have the house spotless. She constantly nags that she raised three kids, took online class, had dinner fixed by 6 o'clock, and had the house clean. The problem is she wants it spotless not clean. She also believes I have plenty of time to do school work while chasing after a one year old who wants to get into everything. Because of this, she says I never spend any time with him while I try to do homework when every one else is home.

Third (and the biggest problem), she tries to make my decisions for me. While I was pregnant, she and her mom decided what my son's theme for his things would be. Yes, I was not entirely there mentally, but I did want a part in the decisions that she wouldn't even talk to me about. I foolishly let it slide. Honestly, she basically named my son herself while my fiance and I did agree in the end because it continued family tradition. The recent her trying to control the decisions ended with her buying a themed birthday cake without even talking to me about a theme. It is supposed to be cute but really?! He is MY baby. We had also decided on a date as his birthday as well as mine and my future sister in law's are just days apart. She goes and changes the date to a day my own parents cannot be there for his official FIRST birthday party. I was so angry that I argued with her. What made it worse is that while I was trying to be polite (while shaking from anger) she was yelling and calling me a liar. She also said I was working everything around my parents schedule and always taking him to see them (when I often don't see them but once every two weeks though they live down the road). Her husband calmly stated that it was just a matter of miscommunication. He later agreed I was right however. Unfortunately, I had to tell my parents the disappointing news. 

What should I do?

by on Feb. 16, 2014 at 3:31 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Pammi86
by Pamela on Feb. 16, 2014 at 3:56 PM

I think its tricky bc the situation and I think she believes bc she helps so much she has the right to make these choices. I would attempt to sit and talk but be prepared for negative results.

goddess99
by Michelle on Feb. 17, 2014 at 12:40 PM

Her son should talk to her. Is there another place you could move too? I wouldn't stay there.

nuts4scouts
by Member on Feb. 17, 2014 at 2:03 PM

Talk to your fiance. It is his mother. He can man up and talk to her.

It does not matter how often you take your son to see your parents - he LIVES with almost MIL, so she sees him a LOT more than your parents do.

Moving the date simply to spite your parents is childish, and wrong.

You need to step up too, and learn to stand up for yourself.

Moved the date back. Or do a separate party just for your son on a date that BOTH sets of grandparents can attend.

ladybugchick317
by Bronze Member on Feb. 17, 2014 at 3:17 PM

 You should tell mil that this is your child not hers and you will plan everything from here out including this party. Tell her that she is welcome there but that you will make the decisions

happymia
by Member on Feb. 17, 2014 at 3:23 PM
That's hard since you live with them. If you don't stop it now, you'll be like me, still dealing with it 17 years later. I wish that i had someone tell me when i was young, that i needed to stand up for myself.
nana776
by Member on Feb. 17, 2014 at 4:05 PM

It's going to be unpleasant, but you need to talk to your fiance first, agree on the boundaries, then both go to the MIL. You need to show a united front, but not aggressive. Let her know that you appreciate all that she has done by letting you live there, but that you are both adults and need to make the decisions regarding your child, although suggestions are always welcome.

As far as the housekeeping, why are you the only one expected to clean the house? There are four adults there. I get that you are a shm, but it shouldn't all be left for you to do. I would also address these issues, set up some realistic expectations for yourself and let her know that you will need help if that isn't up to her standards.

Remember, people will treat you the way you let them.

MistressMinerva
by Jennifer on Feb. 17, 2014 at 4:41 PM

I would tell your husband how you feel and that he needs to have a talk with her.

CMay2CK
by Member on Feb. 17, 2014 at 7:03 PM
1 mom liked this
Move out.
splatz
by Sarah on Feb. 18, 2014 at 4:52 AM
You guys need to stand up to her.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
celestegood
by Gold Member on Feb. 18, 2014 at 6:56 AM
I would stand up to her, but have her son talk to her.
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