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Feeling very lost - should I become a mother?

Posted by on Mar. 4, 2014 at 4:11 PM
  • 19 Replies

Hi everyone. I just joined this group and hoped to gain some wisdom from some of you moms. I have been married for 2 years and I'm 28 years old. My husband and I want to start a family soon - but I am so scared! The closer we get to the decision, the more I feel I'll NEVER be ready for what's in store. I have always wanted to be a mother, and always imagined I'd be in my late twenties when I had my first. Now that I'm here, I feel torn. On the one hand, I know my husband and I are secure enough in our marriage to welcome a child. I don't doubt my ability to be a good mother (I'm a teacher and work with young children every day). I simply don't know if I have room or desire in my life to devote myself to another human being. I'm in a very happy place in my life, and I feel content and enjoy having my independence - plus my work makes me exhausted enough without wondering how I'd manage to add a child to the mix. I know I would need to give 100% to my baby for the next 18 years of my life. How can I EVER feel ready for that? I already feel that my life is so full.

I wanted to know from you who are mothers... and I'm hoping you'll give me your honest answers. Do you miss your life before you had children? Are there things you wish you could do? And do you feel that a part of yourself was lost after having a child? How much did you change as a person? Thank you so much!

by on Mar. 4, 2014 at 4:11 PM
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by on Mar. 4, 2014 at 4:15 PM
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I never planned to have children myself.But I had my son a month before I turned 30.I had many emotions but knew it was the right one.Oh..he is our only.I got so tired of everybody saying how selfish we were to have one.But that was our decision.

by on Mar. 4, 2014 at 6:39 PM

I was told as a teen that I wouldn't be able to have kids so my kids were all pleasant surprises. I don't really miss my life before having kids, (I do miss the sleep though) in many ways they have been my life line and my purpose in life. It's hard to explain, but your whole attitude and perceptions change once there is a child. Yes, things are going to change and the baby is going to take priority over everything else. Somehow you manage to work it all in or you just learn that certain things are going to be on hold for a while. I guess it all depends on your own attitudes and ability to put someones needs above your own without feeling resentment. Some people can do it and some can't.

by on Mar. 4, 2014 at 6:58 PM
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I think the fact that you are taking this seriously, and questioning the impact a baby will have, proves you are more ready than most.

Its only human to wonder. I wonder how much more prepared we could have been, how much more $ and time we could have devoted to one child vs the 3 we have, the vacations we missed out on as a couple, the self-indulgent evenings our friends enjoy...

But no matter how stressed, tired, broke we are there is nothing like a child. The personality emerging, the interests, and possibilities for this young life. The times of laughter, cuddles, and dreams. The truest test of you and dh's bond and support of each other. In so many ways the new demand of your time only drives your relationship closer.

by on Mar. 4, 2014 at 7:33 PM

I do not miss my life before kids in any way shape or form.  I LOVE my kids.  I used to dislike kids growing up, and even said in my 20s I was never going to have any kids. 

I turned 30 and graduated from school and had my degree and I was ready to settle down and totally changed my mind about kids.  Got married at 33 and had my first at 34.  Everything I did before kids I can do again soon - they will be old enough.  I feel that I gained a lot.  I pretty much gave up everything I did before kids for them, but I am ok with it.  I never thought I would be here when I was in my 20s. 

by Bronze Member on Mar. 4, 2014 at 8:57 PM

Quoting stairwaytoastar:

 The closer we get to the decision, the more I feel I'll NEVER be ready for what's in store. 

You won't. It is impossible. But it turns out millions of people have survived it through the ages. :)

Quoting stairwaytoastar:

Do you miss your life before you had children? Are there things you wish you could do? And do you feel that a part of yourself was lost after having a child? How much did you change as a person? Thank you so much!

There are certain things I miss but they are far outweighed by the new things I love. That's like saying, "Would you go back and repeat high school?" I mean, sure, parts of high school were awesome, but I'd never willingly re-do my teen years~!

I definitely didn't "lose" anything about myself after becoming a mom. I can't even imagine what you mean by this. It is more like there is a new sense of completion that I never experienced before and I can't imagine myself going back.

And I'll be honest with you. My kids span the ages of fetus through 7 years old right now. I do not love the little kid years. Just don't. Baby year (0-18mo) is great. 18mo to 5? Ugh. Just not my favorite. But I'm currently the best version of myself that I've ever been.


To be honest, the biggest obstacle and most difficult part of motherhood for me has been the major hormone changes and figuring out how to get my body and brain back in balance. Not everyone experiences this. The daily grind, the environmental factors, those changes are all like everything else in life. You just figure them out.

But hormones are another story.

by on Mar. 4, 2014 at 8:57 PM

I don't know that you're ever TOTALLY prepared for a baby.  :)  I don't regret our decision to have kids, but sometimes I do get overwhelmed.  Like momofsunshine77 said, they do get older, so the time you'll have to devote to hobbies and things again.  Then again, you still have some time to give it more thought. 

by Gold Member on Mar. 4, 2014 at 9:44 PM

Im 30 and have a 5.5 yr old and 18 month old girls. Im done and my tubes are tied. My husband and i have been together for 12 yrs and married for 7. I wasn't sure that i wanted kids. He didn't but it happend 6 months after we got married and we weren't trying to prevent it. I don't really think we are ever 100% ready because no matter how many children we have...we don't know every thing to expect. Each child is different. Its just something you gotta find out for yourself. If your life is finacially and mentally stable for a kid than go for it. I am one of those people that need sleep. I miss not getting much at times. And  not being able to drop everything and go somewhere in the middle of the night. Especially since i have a kindergartner now. But i get through it. I LOVE  being a mom. Nothing more rewarding!

by Gold Member on Mar. 5, 2014 at 1:08 AM
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You will never really be *ready* for being a mother. You just have to go with it. It changes your life, of course. You won't have as much freedom to go do what you want, and your relationship with your husband will need to become a priority-date nights are a must!
Mine are seventeen, twelve, six, and four. I can't imagine my life without them. No matter what sacrifices I have to make, it is always worth it to have kids.

You start to regain your personal time and freedom as they get older. It's not that bad.
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by on Mar. 5, 2014 at 1:27 AM

 No one is ever really READY for a child. It is a huge step but honestly loooking back i wouldnt change it for anything, I wouldnt go back and do anything different. It makes me who i am today. I had my oldest 9DS at almost 22. His father and I got married and divorced within a year with him being conceived and delivered in the process. I am remarried now almost 5 1/2 years 7 years together and we have 3 other children and one on the way one of which passed away at 20 weeks preterm. It hit very hard and im still not over it completely and having a more difficult time right now with me carrying a daughter. (my 2 that survived are boys). (im now almost 31 next month) People often ask me if im done. I tell them i dont know. I love being a mom. I am a SAHM now i was working up until my last son born last year. (this pregnancy was not planned, i was still on birth control). Yes i do miss working, i had a job i loved, was great at, and loved the company. Very hard to come by these days without the "oh man i dont want to go to work today" feeling. Yes my children make me want to pull my hair out most days but i love them none the less. I do everything for them. Because i have high risk pregnancies most of everyone i know wants me to be done. I tell them i just want to get through this pregnancy first. Only you know if you are ready to have a child not just for the next 18 years but for the rest of your life. But please do not look back and regret it. Currently i never have 5 minutes to myself unless my kids are asleep or im a sleep. But seeing my children play together, laugh, cry, school functions, sports, schools and just meeting so many people because of my children is great. My family is all out of state and we dont see much of my husbands. My friends and childrens friends are family. Watching them grow and knowing that i had a Good influence on them teaching them. Good luck momma. There is no wrong answer. It is your decision with your DH. No regrets. :)

by on Mar. 5, 2014 at 1:33 AM
My son came as a pleasant surprise for me and I wouldn't trade him for the world. Without him Id have a very boring life.
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