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Were stuck!! ADVICE please!

Posted by on May. 18, 2014 at 1:51 AM
  • 11 Replies
Im going to sum this up.

My in laws and us joined households because we were all financially struggling.

Our lease is up, landlord wants to sell we all gotta leave..and dh and I are no longer struggling so we want to look for a house just for us and ds. My mil lost her job within this year and fil is extremely lazy and will not look for a different job (only makes 800/month) mil collected unemployment and its now ran up leaving them obviously still in a bind, where WE are paying for everything and mil is now looking into foodstamps ><. She can not trade bananas to the electric company and its frustrating me that we have no extra money because we are carrying them. There would freedom splitting houses but mil is ASSUMING we are yet again, signing with them.. though its been talked about we realize this would screw them but I cant help but think selfishly. What can we do? Where are our options? On one hand I want to say, you know what get a job your capable still and you are holding us back and on the other I feel bad because mil worked for 28 years and got let go BUT she also had a 9month break now.. fil is weird and just refuses to work more than part time with zero side obligations and is very specific about the jobs he would do.

Im more than willing to take care of them when I know they are incapable, but now is not that time.

Help me. What can they do if we did split houses? Am I stuck? Please say no!
by on May. 18, 2014 at 1:51 AM
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Replies (1-10):
johnny4ever
by Mrs. Depp on May. 18, 2014 at 8:17 AM
2 moms liked this

Be honest and tell them how you both feel.

fudgybuddymom
by Linda on May. 18, 2014 at 8:28 AM

What the first poster said. Tell them how you feel. Does your dh agree with you? I hope so cause you are going to need his support! It is not selfish to want to break the ties that bind. It sounds like it is time for you & yours to go off on your own.That will make your fil(hopefully) & your mil(definitely) do what they have to to survive. And after awhile of them working to their own goals & rewards they will come around.

thewaitforfate
by Member on May. 18, 2014 at 2:14 PM
Thank you. I see a long conversation ahead of us. Its just hard I dont want anyone angry, or feeling abandoned, but they need a push.

Quoting fudgybuddymom:

What the first poster said. Tell them how you feel. Does your dh agree with you? I hope so cause you are going to need his support! It is not selfish to want to break the ties that bind. It sounds like it is time for you & yours to go off on your own.That will make your fil(hopefully) & your mil(definitely) do what they have to to survive. And after awhile of them working to their own goals & rewards they will come around.

opal10161973
by on May. 19, 2014 at 11:35 AM
1 mom liked this

I had to do this to my brother and I felt a bit bad at first, but it went away after awhile.  I did the right thing for my family.  He understood.  He was the same way as your FIL, he only wanted to work certain jobs or places and they didn't hire him, but he wouldn't apply just anywhere for a job and he had NO job and was on FS.  It's very frustrating dealing with someone like that.  I understand. 

However, they are able to work or work more and just don't, for whatever reason they have.  It's not YOUR problem and it's not your fault they got into the financial situation they are in now.  They are both adults and have less financial responsibilities than you do.  They will figure it out.

clairewait
by Member on May. 19, 2014 at 2:00 PM
1 mom liked this

Oh man. I would have never agreed to anythign like this in the first place. I say get out soon and don't worry about hurt feelings. You can't really control that anyway. You are all grown ups. While I think it is important to help out and take care of family, I also believe in FIRM boundaries on how to do this. 

You have to do what is best for your immediate family first. This sounds like a completely toxic situation to me and the more you distance yourself the better.

thewaitforfate
by Member on May. 19, 2014 at 3:59 PM
I guess I feel like im throwing them on the streets. What are the options they have? Section 8, doesnt that take forever? What if theres no guaranteed housing for them by the time we have to move? I hate having this guilty feeling in my tummy! What did your brother do?

Quoting opal10161973:

I had to do this to my brother and I felt a bit bad at first, but it went away after awhile.  I did the right thing for my family.  He understood.  He was the same way as your FIL, he only wanted to work certain jobs or places and they didn't hire him, but he wouldn't apply just anywhere for a job and he had NO job and was on FS.  It's very frustrating dealing with someone like that.  I understand. 

However, they are able to work or work more and just don't, for whatever reason they have.  It's not YOUR problem and it's not your fault they got into the financial situation they are in now.  They are both adults and have less financial responsibilities than you do.  They will figure it out.

thewaitforfate
by Member on May. 19, 2014 at 4:00 PM
My fil just got back from a career center, its hard to tell if he actually is telling the truth lol I could see him like sitting at a 711 for 3 hours just to look like hes trying, its that bad. Im keeping my fingers crossed!

Quoting clairewait:

Oh man. I would have never agreed to anythign like this in the first place. I say get out soon and don't worry about hurt feelings. You can't really control that anyway. You are all grown ups. While I think it is important to help out and take care of family, I also believe in FIRM boundaries on how to do this. 

You have to do what is best for your immediate family first. This sounds like a completely toxic situation to me and the more you distance yourself the better.

mamakin616
by Member on May. 19, 2014 at 4:12 PM
1 mom liked this
Just be honest..you can't be afraid of hurting others feelings when their actions are causing you hurt/pain or other problems.
opal10161973
by on May. 19, 2014 at 4:21 PM

The best thing to do for them is to tell them as soon as possible, so they can prepare for it.  Section 8 does take a long time and there is usually a list, but they would need to apply for it first.  However, it doesn't sound like they would need to if they both got FT work.  Any reasons they don't is up to them and not your responsibility.  They could move into a smaller place now that it is only them, as well.  If it's just a couple, they could get a studio.  They may not like that idea, but it's a choice they have, like when they made the choice to work part time or not at all.  It is something that you have no control over.  They are making choices that affect all of you by not working or not enough and you shouldn't feel guilty for them being essentially lazy.  People tend to do what they HAVE to do and if you move and take them with you, they won't ever leave.  Then, you will be dealing with these issues for years.  Now is the best chance you have of getting your own place.  Take it. 

My brother lived with his friend for awhile, then helped my mom out last year and moved in with her for a time, and IDK where he is now, but he isn't with us.  My other brother and his GF and her 2 kids lived here for 4 months after that and we made sure to have everything in writing, including how long they would be staying, ect.  After that, DH said no more family living with us- ever again.  LOL 

Quoting thewaitforfate: I guess I feel like im throwing them on the streets. What are the options they have? Section 8, doesnt that take forever? What if theres no guaranteed housing for them by the time we have to move? I hate having this guilty feeling in my tummy! What did your brother do?
Quoting opal10161973:

I had to do this to my brother and I felt a bit bad at first, but it went away after awhile.  I did the right thing for my family.  He understood.  He was the same way as your FIL, he only wanted to work certain jobs or places and they didn't hire him, but he wouldn't apply just anywhere for a job and he had NO job and was on FS.  It's very frustrating dealing with someone like that.  I understand. 

However, they are able to work or work more and just don't, for whatever reason they have.  It's not YOUR problem and it's not your fault they got into the financial situation they are in now.  They are both adults and have less financial responsibilities than you do.  They will figure it out.


thewaitforfate
by Member on May. 19, 2014 at 6:43 PM
Oh crap hahaha of course you got rid of one just to replace him with even more, and kids at that! I like the writing thing, good for you. FIL has an interview and im incredibly excited!! I have made my decision. If hes still only making 800 at the end of our lease, then that is exactly what they have to work with. I am more than willing to help them find a small place but they have to be willing to help themselves and give a little darn it. Nobody needs cable and such, thats a luxury they can have when they decide to work for it. And its like I want so bad to find a 3bed 2 bath, for dh ds and I but then they would be insulted that we had wasted space. But I need growing room as were ttc and if I want to waste space, that shouldn't be any concern of theirs. Anyways hopefully fil can get this job and I can quit worrying and feeling like a horrible daughter in law lol.

Quoting opal10161973:

The best thing to do for them is to tell them as soon as possible, so they can prepare for it.  Section 8 does take a long time and there is usually a list, but they would need to apply for it first.  However, it doesn't sound like they would need to if they both got FT work.  Any reasons they don't is up to them and not your responsibility.  They could move into a smaller place now that it is only them, as well.  If it's just a couple, they could get a studio.  They may not like that idea, but it's a choice they have, like when they made the choice to work part time or not at all.  It is something that you have no control over.  They are making choices that affect all of you by not working or not enough and you shouldn't feel guilty for them being essentially lazy.  People tend to do what they HAVE to do and if you move and take them with you, they won't ever leave.  Then, you will be dealing with these issues for years.  Now is the best chance you have of getting your own place.  Take it. 

My brother lived with his friend for awhile, then helped my mom out last year and moved in with her for a time, and IDK where he is now, but he isn't with us.  My other brother and his GF and her 2 kids lived here for 4 months after that and we made sure to have everything in writing, including how long they would be staying, ect.  After that, DH said no more family living with us- ever again.  LOL 

Quoting thewaitforfate: I guess I feel like im throwing them on the streets. What are the options they have? Section 8, doesnt that take forever? What if theres no guaranteed housing for them by the time we have to move? I hate having this guilty feeling in my tummy! What did your brother do?

Quoting opal10161973:

I had to do this to my brother and I felt a bit bad at first, but it went away after awhile.  I did the right thing for my family.  He understood.  He was the same way as your FIL, he only wanted to work certain jobs or places and they didn't hire him, but he wouldn't apply just anywhere for a job and he had NO job and was on FS.  It's very frustrating dealing with someone like that.  I understand. 

However, they are able to work or work more and just don't, for whatever reason they have.  It's not YOUR problem and it's not your fault they got into the financial situation they are in now.  They are both adults and have less financial responsibilities than you do.  They will figure it out.

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