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I just don't know

Posted by on Jun. 29, 2014 at 6:57 PM
  • 8 Replies

So my fiancé and I have been having a lot issues lately and we are both under a lot stress. My brother and his wife just recently passed away and I became the guardian of my four nieces, and I'm getting promoted at work come fall and I'm taking on a lot. My fiancés family doesn't approve of the fact that I took my nieces when their parents passed away, his sister especially. My fiancé said it doesn't matter to him what his family says about me being the guardian of my nieces, he loves them and they love him as their uncle. But lately he's been working a lot and been traveling a lot, then when he get home he just seems irritated with me. He talks to the girls and helps with everything around the house but he just seems really distant right now. We have been to counseling for all of us to help with loss of my brother and sister in law. But I just don't know why he's been acting so distant lately.

by on Jun. 29, 2014 at 6:57 PM
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by on Jun. 29, 2014 at 7:53 PM
by on Jun. 29, 2014 at 7:56 PM
I am too tired to speak on this right now, but I will later. For now... Hugs for your entire family and the loss you all and those children have faced and are dealing with.
by on Jun. 29, 2014 at 8:01 PM

That would be scary taking 4 kids in ANY situation especially since you're not even married yet. He may be a bit overwhelmed now that it's settlng in.  What about when you/HE wants to start a family of your own?

by on Jun. 29, 2014 at 9:26 PM

That is a lot to take on right at first, maybe it's just a bit of feeling overwhelmed with it all.  And one thing I know with my family is if they disaprove they won't stop telling you how much they disaprove.

by on Jun. 30, 2014 at 1:32 AM
1 mom liked this
His family can disapprove as they want. These truly orphaned children need their FAMILY that is you and DF. So it doesn't 't matter what his family thinks at this time.

As far as the TEMPORARY distance between you and DF is basically, your lives have been and are in for a whirlwind of changes.

Multiple family deaths, four new children have been brought into your life ( nieces no less )
An upcoming promotion for you , a new job for him.

It would be more disturbing if you all WEREN'T have a relationship rough patch.

You are keeping your nieces together, as they should be instead of separated into different family or foster homes. A true, loving family member does that . Your future inlaws have no say. HELL , when you marry they STILL have no say... Just your fiancé should be able to express any concerns with you.

His new job is spreading him thin right now plus doing what dad's do with these girls.

The impending stress of your promotion is weighing on both of you with your new responsibilities and how the schedule for the household will work.

If it were me, and it isn 't.... I schedule a "kitchen table talk " meaning no phones or tv or electronic devices... One where you hold hands or touch in someway for the whole talk
Explain that you've noticed him distancing himself from you and that's okay in the short you both have been through a huge emotional upheaval. BUT that you are not a mind reader and women are notoriously known to always assume WE did something wrong or WE are the cause of the distance and that just 15 min of authentic communication just even just twice a week right now would really help you know where he is with you.

Then listen. Don 't talk. Give him a chance to collect his thoughts then say. " if you do not know what to say NOW. It's fine. How about (pick two days from this convo) get something sweet to share that day ( men talk better when permanent eye contact is no required) and start with " is there anything I can do to reestablish our connection or is it me at all ? If it just the momentous changes we are going through? What fears do you have ?" And listen.

No getting upset, it's not personal until he SAYS SO. Maybe his fam is whispering in his ear. You don't know until he breaks his silence.

Wow. Again I am so very sorry for such a horrible loss you've endured...., so happy you took in your heart children. No one can prepare for that. I really hope that the distance is temporary ( probably) and you can update with better news in a couple of months!
by on Jul. 1, 2014 at 8:02 AM

Maybe he feels the pressure of looking after so many kids suddenly. And he thinks he has to work all the time to take care of everyone. We have four and my husband is always working and he acts like it would kill him if I even got another cat lol. But you should ask when he's relaxed if there's something worrying him. And when he returns from a trip or whatever don't swamp him but give him room to breathe and relax a bit. I applaud you for looking out for your nieces and I hope everything works out great for you all. 

by on Jul. 1, 2014 at 10:46 AM
((Hugs)) strain and stress is super normal and acceptable!
You're incredible and strong to take all that on.
How old are the girls? How are they doing?
by on Jul. 1, 2014 at 11:33 AM
The girls are doing great the youngest two are fourteen, then sixteen and twenty. The eldest ones wedding is next weekend. The middle one hurt her knee last week and is on crutches right now, they are all happy and loving life.
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