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sharing woes....I dont think a gift of any kind HAS to be shared

Posted by on Jul. 25, 2014 at 5:14 PM
  • 12 Replies

I am almost embarassed to be posting such a petty thing, but apparantely this is such a huge thing to my DH that he hasnt talked to me in 3 days. 

Am I wrong in thinking that it is a bad thing for kids to "expect" that EVERYTHING in the house is to be shared? YES, I do believe in sharing, and I enforce it!!! But, I dont think that it is a good thing to teach kids that every single thing that comes into this house MUST be shared. In this case, it is a small gift. My bio daughter was given a couple of lil bags of cookies from a friend of mine. SD wasnt with us at the time of the treat giving. I had the cookies in my purse (last place DD knew of them) but took them out before leaving for work . She was still asleep and I jotted her name of them and placed them in the cupboard w/ other treats (plenty of other goodies for SD to enjoy) Well, DH saw this and got so pissed at me. Says I was deliberately placing my DD name on them and putting them "at eye level for SD to see". This was NOT MY INTENTION!!! He is acting like I went out and bought the items and purposely didnt divvy them up and include SD. I think that since they were a gift to my DD, it is up to her to share. I know its just stupid lil cookies, and thats why I think its ridiculous for DH to be so upset over it. I explained to him that they were a "gift" and that I put them there for DD to find b/c last she knew I had them in my purse. I should also mention he was packing his lunch that morning and was about to grab one and put in his lunch box. I told him that the name on them was to also keep him from taking them, like he almost did, and my 18 yr old DD from eating them, not to just alienate my SD. But he sees this differently. He feels that EVERY DAMN THING needs to be EQUAL between my DD and SD. Oh, and SD always does the "mine" "mine" "mine" on toys, food, drinks, etc. and he doesnt enforce this equality when she pulls that...yet I get the cold shoulder and accusations of being so unfair to his daughter when I label damn cookies!! This is the first time I have ever done this and he is acting like I did the most horrible thing in the world.

Idk, maybe I am wrong for thinking that kids will develop this sense of self entitlement when they are given everything, even other peoples gifts.

I know I could have avoided this by just MAKING my daughter share, but I just dont think thats right!

by on Jul. 25, 2014 at 5:14 PM
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Replies (1-10):
sheramom4
by Member on Jul. 25, 2014 at 5:19 PM

I don't believe everything has to be shared (and I have four biological kids) but our rule is that anything that is not a shared item, food or drink has to be put in that particular child or adult's personal space. They each have a shower caddy, they each have an area of the fridge, and they each have an area of a cupboard for their particular items plus bedrooms for toys, electronics, etc. They are all teens and preteens so the issues over things can become WW3 if I let it lol. DH and I have the same for ourselves. 

Do SD and DD pick their particular items at the store? That might be a good step in the direction of shared and unshared items. I give the kids a limit on what they can select in terms of things like groceries and buy shared items. So we have equality without forced sharing. 

evilmom1975
by New Member on Jul. 25, 2014 at 5:24 PM

 

Quoting sheramom4:

I don't believe everything has to be shared (and I have four biological kids) but our rule is that anything that is not a shared item, food or drink has to be put in that particular child or adult's personal space. They each have a shower caddy, they each have an area of the fridge, and they each have an area of a cupboard for their particular items plus bedrooms for toys, electronics, etc. They are all teens and preteens so the issues over things can become WW3 if I let it lol. DH and I have the same for ourselves. 

Do SD and DD pick their particular items at the store? That might be a good step in the direction of shared and unshared items. I give the kids a limit on what they can select in terms of things like groceries and buy shared items. So we have equality without forced sharing. 

 I've tried doing the separate containers but it became noting but a headace for me. They constantly mixed things up and never put things back where they belong. They are DD8 and SD11.

I dont take them to the grocery with me, I just prefer to go alone...But I do make them understand that if there are 6 yogurt cups, then they each only get 3. And they follow that pretty good. The SD didnt even notice the cookies and didnt say a word about it, this is all my DH....

sheramom4
by Member on Jul. 25, 2014 at 5:44 PM


Quoting evilmom1975:

 

Quoting sheramom4:

I don't believe everything has to be shared (and I have four biological kids) but our rule is that anything that is not a shared item, food or drink has to be put in that particular child or adult's personal space. They each have a shower caddy, they each have an area of the fridge, and they each have an area of a cupboard for their particular items plus bedrooms for toys, electronics, etc. They are all teens and preteens so the issues over things can become WW3 if I let it lol. DH and I have the same for ourselves. 

Do SD and DD pick their particular items at the store? That might be a good step in the direction of shared and unshared items. I give the kids a limit on what they can select in terms of things like groceries and buy shared items. So we have equality without forced sharing. 

 I've tried doing the separate containers but it became noting but a headace for me. They constantly mixed things up and never put things back where they belong. They are DD8 and SD11.

I dont take them to the grocery with me, I just prefer to go alone...But I do make them understand that if there are 6 yogurt cups, then they each only get 3. And they follow that pretty good. The SD didnt even notice the cookies and didnt say a word about it, this is all my DH....

DH needs to grow up! Mine being older probably helps with the separate containers thing. My youngest will be 11 in two weeks and my oldest is almost 19. 

Tiff22Faith
by Member on Jul. 25, 2014 at 5:46 PM
1 mom liked this

He is in the wrong. Your DD has the right to choose if she wants to share HER gift. If anything, you should call him out about how he favors the SD when it comes to sharing. He can't have it both ways. Let him know he is acting childish over this and when he is ready to be an adult the two of you can talk.

evilmom1975
by New Member on Jul. 25, 2014 at 7:51 PM

 

Quoting Tiff22Faith:

He is in the wrong. Your DD has the right to choose if she wants to share HER gift. If anything, you should call him out about how he favors the SD when it comes to sharing. He can't have it both ways. Let him know he is acting childish over this and when he is ready to be an adult the two of you can talk.

 I too think he is being childish, I did call him out and now he is just in ultimate pout mode. Sends me an email telling me how much I was in the wrong, then ends it w/ "SD is going home tomorrow, then you dont have to worry about it" that just really pissed me off!!! So, I guess he's sitting back waiting for ME to apologize to him, welp, I'm not! I told him I stand by what I did and accept no wrong doing.

momofnatalie
by Bronze Member on Jul. 25, 2014 at 9:12 PM
Dh is being a little sensitive, it wasn't like you bought the cookies. I hope he realizes you aren't trying to make SD feel bad.
Tiff22Faith
by Member on Jul. 25, 2014 at 10:03 PM

Good. I say let him pout. Also, make sure he understands how you feel about SD because I think he is going to want to fight and say you don't love her the same or whatever just to be mean.

Quoting evilmom1975:


Quoting Tiff22Faith:

He is in the wrong. Your DD has the right to choose if she wants to share HER gift. If anything, you should call him out about how he favors the SD when it comes to sharing. He can't have it both ways. Let him know he is acting childish over this and when he is ready to be an adult the two of you can talk.

 I too think he is being childish, I did call him out and now he is just in ultimate pout mode. Sends me an email telling me how much I was in the wrong, then ends it w/ "SD is going home tomorrow, then you dont have to worry about it" that just really pissed me off!!! So, I guess he's sitting back waiting for ME to apologize to him, welp, I'm not! I told him I stand by what I did and accept no wrong doing.


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by Silver Member on Jul. 26, 2014 at 12:04 AM
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It was up to your dd not your dh,
and why does he not have his own dd share then?
Two way street :)

SarahSuzyQ
by Bronze Member on Jul. 26, 2014 at 8:33 AM
1 mom liked this
I don't think you are being unreasonable, but I understand why your DH was upset at first... It might be more appropriate to keep things that aren't to share in a separate/private space. Putting something in the family cupboard with a label and no explanation could easily come off the wrong way.

As for him not enforcing sharing with SD, I think you should talk to him about that. Maybe just sit down and say, "It seems like we have different expectations for what it looks like for the girls to share. Can we talk about this so we are on the same page in the future and can avoids further disagreements?"

Not talking to you, and holding a grudge rather than being honest, is childish. I hope your DH moves past that attitude quickly.
AllieKat
by New Member on Jul. 26, 2014 at 8:36 AM
1 mom liked this
My ex mil does that because at times she has 4-6 grandchildren around and none of the kids are scared. And the neighbor passes out treats like your friend does. Never heard of a fight or a jealous kid crying. Your husband has his panties twisted over nothing.
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