Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

A Wedding Vent--Do My Best to Keep It Short

Posted by on Nov. 8, 2014 at 6:57 PM
  • 19 Replies

Now before I start this I want everyone to understand that I will do my best to keep a long story short. I also want you to understand that I am not passing judgment on anyone within my post. I am just concerned as a friend.

My BFF got engaged last night and will be getting married for the second time. I think it's great and I wish her all the best, but here's my concern.

I had no idea until her first marriage started to fall apart just how badly her first DH had treated her.  He actually set her up with a stranger on line, neither one had known or met before in their lives, and forced her to go meet him and have sex with him. She then had to come back and tell him all about it.

Well, after meeting this man they started to date. She and her first DH ended up divorcing and she got involved with the man he set her up with.  She had several children within the first marriage.  Not too long ago she had a child with the current fiance.

But I am concerned for her as I know for a fact she has caught her fiance cheating on her with anyone who will have him.  He goes onto these sex sites and gets involved with women there. She has hard proof of it and it bothers her as it should.

He has yet to put up the house he lives in for sale and lives with her in her house.  He has done very little to help her with the care of the child they had together when it comes to finances.  He does very little with her and her previous children as a family.  He makes us feel very uncomfortable whenever we go for a visit.  It's as if we are invading his space.

Now I am not passing judgment.It's her life and like I said I really do wish her all the best and I will back her in any decisions she makes, but I worry for her. As I see her as the little sister I never had. I don't want her going into this knowing what has happened with him already to only end up heart broken in another marriage.

She has a successful career and doing very well for her and her family.  I wouldn't dream of saying anything to her as I know it's her life and I respect that. I just don't want to see her hurt all over again and feel trapped in the marriage.

What would you do?


by on Nov. 8, 2014 at 6:57 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
momofnatalie
by Silver Member on Nov. 9, 2014 at 10:19 PM

To be honest with you, there is not much you can do.  If you try to tell her gently as possible that you are concerned about her guy, she is going to get protective and defend him.  That is what happened with my best friend.  She married this controlling guy who only allowed her to go places when he was at work.  She got mad at me that I wasn't available to hang out with her.  I told her what I thought of him and she was so upset that she said she couldn't be friends with me if she doubted her future husband.  Fast forward six years later with 2 kids, she is sending me a FB message apologizing. 

Sounds to me that if she complains about him, then you can use those opportunities to strengthen her concerns.  I would then suggest maybe she should get counseling to help sort out her feelings, a therapist is great and nonjudgmental and can help her see what she feels is best.

hugss
Report
Take some *Time Out* for You, Join our Friendly/Supportive group :)
Yesterday at 11:44 PM
Time Out For You Group - CafeMom

Need some Time for You? Feeling stressed? Kick back, relax & take a break. If you're a woman who just wants to have fun, here's the place :)

by on Nov. 10, 2014 at 12:11 AM

Aww sounds like she is asking for trouble ;(
Although not much you can do but be there for her ;)

Noelle40
by Bronze Member on Nov. 10, 2014 at 5:35 PM

That's what I hate. I wish I could do more than that, but I know I can't. I will be there for her just like I was the first time.


Quoting hugss:

Aww sounds like she is asking for trouble ;(Although not much you can do but be there for her ;)


Noelle40
by Bronze Member on Nov. 10, 2014 at 5:39 PM

Sounds like her first marriage. That's exactly what I did then.

Quoting momofnatalie:

To be honest with you, there is not much you can do.  If you try to tell her gently as possible that you are concerned about her guy, she is going to get protective and defend him.  That is what happened with my best friend.  She married this controlling guy who only allowed her to go places when he was at work.  She got mad at me that I wasn't available to hang out with her.  I told her what I thought of him and she was so upset that she said she couldn't be friends with me if she doubted her future husband.  Fast forward six years later with 2 kids, she is sending me a FB message apologizing. 

Sounds to me that if she complains about him, then you can use those opportunities to strengthen her concerns.  I would then suggest maybe she should get counseling to help sort out her feelings, a therapist is great and nonjudgmental and can help her see what she feels is best.


hugss
Report
Take some *Time Out* for You, Join our Friendly/Supportive group :)
Yesterday at 11:44 PM
Time Out For You Group - CafeMom

Need some Time for You? Feeling stressed? Kick back, relax & take a break. If you're a woman who just wants to have fun, here's the place :)

by on Nov. 10, 2014 at 5:41 PM

With a bit of luck maybe she will see the light before .. in time :)

Quoting Noelle40:

That's what I hate. I wish I could do more than that, but I know I can't. I will be there for her just like I was the first time.

Quoting hugss:

Aww sounds like she is asking for trouble ;(Although not much you can do but be there for her ;)


momofnatalie
by Silver Member on Nov. 10, 2014 at 6:23 PM

It's a really hard place to be, it likes you see the train wreck before it happens.  She won't get out of that pattern until she learns how to stand on her own in their relationship and know her boundaries and won't let a guy walk all over them. 

Quoting Noelle40:

Sounds like her first marriage. That's exactly what I did then.

Quoting momofnatalie:

To be honest with you, there is not much you can do.  If you try to tell her gently as possible that you are concerned about her guy, she is going to get protective and defend him.  That is what happened with my best friend.  She married this controlling guy who only allowed her to go places when he was at work.  She got mad at me that I wasn't available to hang out with her.  I told her what I thought of him and she was so upset that she said she couldn't be friends with me if she doubted her future husband.  Fast forward six years later with 2 kids, she is sending me a FB message apologizing. 

Sounds to me that if she complains about him, then you can use those opportunities to strengthen her concerns.  I would then suggest maybe she should get counseling to help sort out her feelings, a therapist is great and nonjudgmental and can help her see what she feels is best.


Noelle40
by Bronze Member on Nov. 10, 2014 at 7:59 PM

I hate it that I see the train wreck before it happens, but I also understand it's her life.Maybe he will change, who knows? It would be great if he did, for her and the kids, but if after all this time he has yet to change, well....

I know when she called me in the past all upset that he was cheating on her on those sex websites I told her then that a leopard never changes his spots.  It is what it is. I ask her if his house was up for sale yet and she said no, still not up after all this time.

All I can do is support her in her decisions and be there when she needs a friend. I don't know what else I can do.


Quoting momofnatalie:

It's a really hard place to be, it likes you see the train wreck before it happens.  She won't get out of that pattern until she learns how to stand on her own in their relationship and know her boundaries and won't let a guy walk all over them. 

Quoting Noelle40:

Sounds like her first marriage. That's exactly what I did then.

Quoting momofnatalie:

To be honest with you, there is not much you can do.  If you try to tell her gently as possible that you are concerned about her guy, she is going to get protective and defend him.  That is what happened with my best friend.  She married this controlling guy who only allowed her to go places when he was at work.  She got mad at me that I wasn't available to hang out with her.  I told her what I thought of him and she was so upset that she said she couldn't be friends with me if she doubted her future husband.  Fast forward six years later with 2 kids, she is sending me a FB message apologizing. 

Sounds to me that if she complains about him, then you can use those opportunities to strengthen her concerns.  I would then suggest maybe she should get counseling to help sort out her feelings, a therapist is great and nonjudgmental and can help her see what she feels is best.


earthangel1967
by on Nov. 11, 2014 at 5:41 AM

I feel bad for you because it sounds like you care about her more than she does which is sad. It's obvious she is setting herself up for disaster and heartbreak for herself and her kids. I hope she comes to her senses before it's too late but whether she does or not is her choice. She is a grown adult and often adults will relive the same mistakes until they finally absorb and learn the lessons they need to learn from them. When we know better we do better.. Apparently she hasn't learned yet and doesn't know better yet.. like others said, the best thing you can do is be there for her even when the chips all fall in time as they certainly will. I'm sure it's painful to see her go through this. I'm sorry HUGS

View Full Size Image YVONNE

bhow
by Bronze Member on Nov. 11, 2014 at 7:56 AM

I think in your heart you know you need to do something to stop this relationship but,  just don't know what.  I can't tell you what it would be either.  This girl is Messed Up!!  Some where, some place when she was very young she must have been abused or abandoned or something to make her think she deserves nothing better than scum bag men.  Wow.  I guess just pray that she will find the strength to wake up and realize what she is doing by allowing her kids to grow up with this filth as an example.

bcauseimthemom
by on Nov. 11, 2014 at 8:03 AM

I was in a similar situation.  I won't go into the details but I couldn't just keep my mouth shut. I loved my friend enough to "let her go" so to speak when I gave my opinion.  SHE asked my opinion, knowing that I don't sugar coat what I have to say.


I shared what I thought and she was upset so she ended the friendship.  Well, about a week before the wedding, she walked in on her "DF" kneeling behind her cousin in their bed.


Needless to say, her eyes were finally opened. 

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)