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This mama needs a break but.....

Posted by on Jun. 18, 2017 at 11:44 PM
  • 16 Replies
I'm afraid to take one. I love my DH, he's a good dad, he loves our 20 month old so much. I'm a full time SAHM and I love it but it would be nice to take a mental break once in a while. I'm afraid to take one because I fear for the safety of my son when my DH is with him alone. Not taking abuse here, just a lack of common sense and awareness of what's safe and what's not safe. No matter how much I try to remind him of things or show him things my DH just doesn't get it. 20 months old and my DH still can't figure out that the straps on the car seat are too loose every time he puts him in the car. I always have to readjust the belt and tighten it up before we go anywhere which means if they go out without me my sons life is in danger. I show him constantly that the straps aren't tight enough but he proceeds to mess it up every time.
Just this morning we left the restaurant after breakfast and I've got the bags and the leftover container, no free hands. My DH proceeds to help our 20 mos old down off of the curb into the parking lot and then intentionally lets go of his hand and watches him run into the parking lot. WTF?!?! There's me with my hands full chasing him down and trying to grab his shirt somehow while yelling at my DH, "what is wrong with you?You need to hold his hand or pick him up!!" DH is about 10 feet away saying "I got him, he's fine, I'm right here." Really?! So when a car comes around the corner here or pulls out of their spot and runs him over is he still going to be fine???? Who lets a toddler run through a parking lot?! OMG! Sometimes I just want to scream and pull my hair out. I'm not an overprotective mom either, just one with normal common sense safety expectations. I honestly fear for my sons safety if he's alone, especially out somewhere, with my DH. I wish sometimes I could mentally check out but my sons life is too precious so therefore I'm always "on duty". Does anyone else have a DH who just doesn't quite get that the role of a parent is also protector, especially for our little toddlers?! Would love to know I'm not alone in my plight.
by on Jun. 18, 2017 at 11:44 PM
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Replies (1-10):
momof2555
by New Member on Jun. 18, 2017 at 11:53 PM

i understand! my husband is wonderful but sometimes i felt like he lacked some common sense in certain areas and/or was too laid back especially when the kids were very little. i just had to try to "train" him and show him things that need done and things to watch out for. my husband is extremely laid back so he never took offense to it. 

Jinxed8
by Gold Member on Jun. 19, 2017 at 10:31 AM

must be a common thing ... my ex husband was like that too. 

I remember the time that he insisted on taking DD to see his parents even though she was sick.  She had a fever spike while she was there and his stupid-bat-shit-crazy mother swaddled her in a blanket (because she was shaking) instead of trying to get the fever down and by the time he got home, DD was starting to have seizures in the car. (he had called me from the car)   I remember ripping her out of his arms and running in the house where I had prepared a cold bath to regulate her temperature - I could have beat him to a pulp for being such a moron.  I also never trusted his parents to babysit as long as I was married with him.  GAH !

clairewait
by Bronze Member on Jun. 20, 2017 at 3:07 PM

Ugh.

If your husband is really dangerous, I'm with you on your annoyance. That said, it seems like the real problem is that he isn't respecting you and your concerns. I'd start there.

On the flip side, I think a lot of men feel like mama's are super over-bearing and want to sort of undo the tight boundaries with the kids. This is a different level of annoying. It can go one of two ways. 

  1. husband isn't actually doing anything wrong, it is just that his parenting style and mom's parenting style don't match, and mom doesn't like that. I'd caution you to be careful if this is even somewhat true. There's a reason we are different and sometimes the differences are good.
  2. Husband isn't supporting mom and is intentionally undermining boundaries. This is the unpreferable of the scenarios. Parenting never works like this. Besides raising kids who may or may not respect one or both parents, it also immediately creates a lot of anger and resentment. 

Bottom Line: when it comes to co-parenting with my husband, we have to be a team. We have to have the SAME goals but maybe not the same approach to reaching those goals, you know? It is definitely a work in progress around here (and we have 4 kids!) but I do not regret the work and time we've put in to making this family work. 

And I fully agree that SAHM's need me-time. I take it a lot more than most of my friends and I think it makes all the difference in the world. But my husband and I have worked pretty hard to get to this balance. It isn't always perfect, but I've learned to let go of a lot more than I originally wanted to, and he's learned to do some things that he thinks are stupid just because it makes me happy!

gjetson33
by on Jun. 22, 2017 at 9:01 PM

Yes, SAHM need a mental break and some adult conversation every now and then. My husband was like that, but for me I had to let go and trust him to be the dad. Sometimes the things he said or did in the house worried me about him going out, but I knew that he loves our DS and that he will lay down his life for him. Once I was able to let go , it became easier for me to relax when they were out together. Hope you guys can find a happy medium. 

Pastalove
by New Member on Jun. 27, 2017 at 7:31 PM
He is just so ultra laid-back to a fault. Just five minutes ago he's outside with our one and a half year-old son and our son is running down the driveway towards the road and there's my husband sauntering like a snail about 15 feet behind him. There's me opening up the door yelling at him "he's going in the road! move!!!" It's ridiculous that I can't even mentally check out for five seconds. After I yelled at my husband to move his ass he turns around and just rolls his eyes at me. he agrees with me on how we raise our son and discipline, things like that. But he absolutely has no respect for my concerns regarding safety and he is just so ultra laid-back that now that our son is moving very quickly my husbands laid-back attitude has become a safety issue for my son. Sooner or later if I don't start seeing an attitude change from my husband there's going to be a big fight in my home and it's going to get nasty. We have a wonderful marriage, I love my husband to death but I am losing my patience with his laid-back attitude that is putting our one-year-old in danger.

Quoting clairewait:

Ugh.

If your husband is really dangerous, I'm with you on your annoyance. That said, it seems like the real problem is that he isn't respecting you and your concerns. I'd start there.

On the flip side, I think a lot of men feel like mama's are super over-bearing and want to sort of undo the tight boundaries with the kids. This is a different level of annoying. It can go one of two ways. 

  1. husband isn't actually doing anything wrong, it is just that his parenting style and mom's parenting style don't match, and mom doesn't like that. I'd caution you to be careful if this is even somewhat true. There's a reason we are different and sometimes the differences are good.
  2. Husband isn't supporting mom and is intentionally undermining boundaries. This is the unpreferable of the scenarios. Parenting never works like this. Besides raising kids who may or may not respect one or both parents, it also immediately creates a lot of anger and resentment. 

Bottom Line: when it comes to co-parenting with my husband, we have to be a team. We have to have the SAME goals but maybe not the same approach to reaching those goals, you know? It is definitely a work in progress around here (and we have 4 kids!) but I do not regret the work and time we've put in to making this family work. 

And I fully agree that SAHM's need me-time. I take it a lot more than most of my friends and I think it makes all the difference in the world. But my husband and I have worked pretty hard to get to this balance. It isn't always perfect, but I've learned to let go of a lot more than I originally wanted to, and he's learned to do some things that he thinks are stupid just because it makes me happy!

Wellygrrl
by on Jun. 27, 2017 at 7:43 PM
So if you die, you will see you baby in heaven within days of your arrival? Start training your husband! Do you want your kid to grow up even if you are not around! Heaven forbid you ever divorce you'll drop of your kid with daddy and never see him alive again!
abra
by Member on Aug. 11, 2017 at 6:30 PM

How is that helpful?!

Quoting Wellygrrl: So if you die, you will see you baby in heaven within days of your arrival? Start training your husband! Do you want your kid to grow up even if you are not around! Heaven forbid you ever divorce you'll drop of your kid with daddy and never see him alive again!


abra
by Member on Aug. 11, 2017 at 6:32 PM

It is hard to say given that I don't know you all personally so haven't seen all this in action. I know we moms tend to be overly-cautious with our children to the point of driving ourselves crazy with anxiety. I also know that a lot of dads have the opposite problem. Have you spoken to your husband about your concerns in a calm and clear manner? I know with my DH and I both had to change and work together to find a "happy" medium we could both work with. 

Wellygrrl
by on Aug. 12, 2017 at 12:08 AM
My comment is helpful, teach husband to care for the children. Momma can't possibly be there 24/7 things happen all the time! Train him, he has a job right? He had to learn that ,so he should be able to learn how to be a better parent!

Quoting abra:

How is that helpful?!

Quoting Wellygrrl: So if you die, you will see you baby in heaven within days of your arrival? Start training your husband! Do you want your kid to grow up even if you are not around! Heaven forbid you ever divorce you'll drop of your kid with daddy and never see him alive again!

Pastalove
by New Member on Aug. 13, 2017 at 9:56 PM

I've spent the last 2 months since I posted the original comment trying to thoroughly "train" him and some things have gotten a little better but he still let go of his hand in the parking lot at Pet Smart last night.  I'm gonna have to just deal with it and pray for the best.


Quoting Wellygrrl: My comment is helpful, teach husband to care for the children. Momma can't possibly be there 24/7 things happen all the time! Train him, he has a job right? He had to learn that ,so he should be able to learn how to be a better parent!
Quoting abra:

How is that helpful?!

Quoting Wellygrrl: So if you die, you will see you baby in heaven within days of your arrival? Start training your husband! Do you want your kid to grow up even if you are not around! Heaven forbid you ever divorce you'll drop of your kid with daddy and never see him alive again!


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