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other siblings being affected..

Posted by on May. 3, 2012 at 12:07 AM
  • 11 Replies

hello all..........  i am sorta new here and havn't posted much but something has been racing thru my head... 

A little about our family...   I have two wonderful girls ages 13 and 12..  the 12 yr old has Adhd and is on a gluten free diet.   I also have two wonderful boys ages 2 and the other will be 6 at the end of May.   My 6 yr old just recently has been being tested for essential tremors.   He is under going numerous test like sleep study, sedated MRI, genectic blood testing.. and has started OT to help with his writing and coloring plus other daily activities that he seems to avoid. 

So here this is what has been running thru my head..    With your guys SN children and if they have siblings ..  does it affect the siblings??  

The reason why i ask is because there is so much tension between my girls.   The 12 yr old is a big battle especially with the school district.   Both girls go to the same middle school at this current moment and the difference between the girls is like night and day.  The 13 yr old does very well in school.   She receives numerous awards, good grades,,, does very good in extra activities like band.   All the teachers think she is wonderful in the school and unfortunely has put alot of weight on her shoulders due to her sister's behavior.   I put my foot down to this telling the school district that she is not the parent and they needed to contact me.  Teachers would make comments to her like  "your mother needs to come have a conference with me about ur sister"     I was very upset about them doin this and told them it was NOT acceptable.  Plus the 13 yr old is very embrassed about her sisters actions and behavior.   

Then there is the 12 yr old who is very jealous of her older sister as she walks behind her 2 years in grade level.  The teachers always ask her why she doesn't behave like her sister.. etc..   Again i put my foot down.   She tells her sister that she is very lucky and has it easy...      she is currently seeing a counselor every two weeks to help with these feelings but i only see it getting worse. 
I am at a total loss with this subject of how to be able to praise and help both children..  It also doesn't help that the 13 yr old is favored by the ex and his wife..... plus my parents.   They dont' admit to it but its true. 

I also question about my boys now that i see how my 12 yr old special needs affect her sister.   There is 3 years between my boys ...  and i see things that i wonder how will it play out in the end.   We have just started learning about my 6 yr olds special needs and trying to figure out how to help him.  The school district just did a retention testing to see if he should stay in kindergarten which he was fair on so we are pushing forward to first grade.  But some of the stuff on the test kinda has me confused like they say they feel he possibly has a emotional disorder.   I could see this in him... or possibly some kinda sensory issue.   So now that i see the affects of the girls and the differences ..  i question how do i help the boys not get into this position if it starts to show... 
Any suggestions, ideas, examples etc.. are welcomed..  even if its just to ease my mind.   I know siblings have rivary alot of times but with the girls i feel that its alot more then just that.  

by on May. 3, 2012 at 12:07 AM
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by Amanda on May. 3, 2012 at 12:34 AM
*hugs* I hope someone has some ideas because I struggle to give dd time and attention and it shows. She is very spoiled by everyone else and a complete terror. She loves her brother to death, but is so jealous of him it's ridiculous. Eventually my dd will understand but for now it's an uphill battle.
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by Elyssa on May. 3, 2012 at 10:32 AM
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My older brother is a (literal) genius. He was always "perfect" and growing up I was compared to him constantly. I was smart, but he made me look like an idiot child because of his insane intelligence- because of this, I did everything I could to be the opposite of him. Acted out, did drugs, dropped out of school etc. I can really empathize with your 12 year old. I think it would be very helpful to find something she is good at, and make it a big deal. If she likes to draw, sign her up for some cool art classes. If she likes to sing, get her involved in a jazz group, or soccer or gymnastics... Something where the whole family can go and cheer for something that is uniquely hers!

My oldest has special needs, and his younger brother does get jealous sometimes of all the attention, so having special times and activities just for him is super important for our family dynamic.
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by on May. 3, 2012 at 1:24 PM
Our oldest is our special needs kid and his siblings are only 18 mons old so they don't get jealous yet. If anything our oldest needs more attention bc he used to be the only kid for so long til we had the twins. We try to do things individually with each kid and encourage activities they're good at so they still feel special. I hope things get easier for you soon!
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by on May. 3, 2012 at 1:47 PM
My sister and I are 2 years apart. I was the brainy one and she struggled in school (I think she had an undiagnosed learning disability). My dad made the mistake of constantly comparing us. It caused a lot of problems, which I wont get into. I see you are trying to do the right thing by keeping their differences separate and trying to get the school to cooperate.

All my kids have special needs, but of varying degrees. I try to make things fair as possible with attention and discipline. It is tough and I think it is impossible to make everything fair all the time.

One thing I remember the most is That my sister got most of the attention and I got most of the praise. I felt very lonely and disconnected for many years. But then again I am much more independent than my sister. There is good and bad to all of it. All you can do is try your best and hope They turn out ok.
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by Silver Member on May. 3, 2012 at 1:53 PM

 My youngest two are SN.  One with an anxiety/mood disorder and one with chronic pain.  My son is 10 and a gem.  But it does affect him. The girls get a lot of attention as we try to help them, and I hate to admit it but sometimes T bears the brunt of things when they are frustrating or stress levels are high.  We try very very hard to make sure he gets extra attention with things.  He and my husband will spend time putting together models from time to time. We try to give them each a day where it's just a boys day or just an Emily day, something like that.  We also encourage them to try things that are unique to them.  It's hard to give equal attention but once we realized what was happening, we've tried to keep it in the forefront and do what we can. 

by on May. 3, 2012 at 3:37 PM

honey i totally understand i have two boys 10 and 7 my 7 year old is the one with special needs and my 10 year old gets super jelous all the time and what i do is try to do something special with him every week like just me and him go to the movies or get ice cream.... it helps alot because then we have a chance just him and i to talk ONLY about him!! since i have done this there has been alot less fights and he know that no matter what he and i have a special date just for us!! good luck and i hope that things get better!! (((HUGS)))

by Darby on May. 3, 2012 at 3:49 PM

Welcome to the group mama!  I only have one child, and he's special needs so I honestly can't really relate, but wanted to send you hugs!

by on May. 3, 2012 at 11:19 PM

There is this book called-Siblings Without Rivalry-How to help your Children Live Together so You Can Live Too--by Adele Faber

by on May. 4, 2012 at 10:24 AM

thanks ladies....
you know u guys all pointed out some good things........   and come to think about it the girls are so much alike but so much different.   Since they were so close together when they were younger i always did things equal.  The same things.. same clothes etc..   They have become their individual selfs..  but still like the same thing.    both in girl scouts.. both in soccer.. both in band...  of course they have competition between the two of them..... like oldest telling youngest she sucks in band etc..    But i think someone hit it on the nail the 12 yr old needs something herself to be praised about.    Its just really hard to get her to excel in something besides misbehavior.  Its hard to praise and trust her when she shows numerous times she can't be trusted because of her behavior.   But i am goin to think of something that she can be an individual at... maybe ask her for some suggestions.   its really hard though cause we live in a rural area...  so hard to find things like art classes etc.    Although i am goin to be worried at what we pick because the girls have so many likes together.  

As for the school district it might not be so hard because the oldest will be out in high school.   The comparing might fade some ..  well hopefully. 
thanks again ladies for bring some light to the table on the subject.. 

by on May. 4, 2012 at 12:58 PM

 It is hard, hands down.  The siblings will definitely be impacted, but that's not always a bad thing. I know that I had a bunch of resentment growing up with two seriously hanciapped brothers, but in the end, I'm a better person for it. 

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