Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Raising Special Needs Kids Raising Special Needs Kids

Family Who Don't Seem to Understand

Posted by on Apr. 7, 2013 at 9:24 AM
  • 21 Replies

So I've been with my fiance for over a year and we're getting married in a little less than 2 months and ever since I've moved back here I've gotten the odd vibe that his brother doesn't like me or my kids.  Whenever we'd have family events he'd stay far away from us, whenever we'd visit fiance's moms house (where his brother lived for a little while) his brother would always stay in his room when we were over.  So yesterday his brother called my fiance to see if he could come help him put together furniture, but just him.

So my fiance comes home a few hours later and we sit down to talk after my kids have gone to bed...he talked to his brother and what his brother said has both pissed me off and devastated me.  He finally got it out of his brother that he would rather not hang out with us because of my kids.  When it comes to me my fiance said that his brother says he's "warming up to me" but knows that his brother gets in over his head in his relationships.  So this means that he doesn't think this will work between me and my fiance...geez thanks for the vote of confidence.

And he doesn't like to be around my kids because they are loud and a bit whiny.  I admit that at times I'd rather not be around my kids and I don't take them many places because of how my oldest meltsdown and my three year old meltsdown.  I figured I was safe with family but turns out I was mistaken.  How do I help him understand that my oldest has Aspergers and Sensory Processing Disorder?  We're doing all we know how to do but we can't stop all the meltdowns.  I don't want my fiance to miss out on hanging out with his brother just because he doesn't want to be around my kids.

His brother is in the wedding party; I feel like kicking him out of it just so my kids can be there...so I've told my fiance to tell his brother he has the option of not coming because my kids WILL be there.  This hurts my heart honestly; I had my suspicions but to hear my suspicions confirmed has hurt me greatly and I'm not sure how or where to go from here.  Anyways, I just needed to get it out; thanks for listening...er reading. 

by on Apr. 7, 2013 at 9:24 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
cheergurl84
by Member on Apr. 7, 2013 at 10:08 AM
Your kids have every right to be at your wedding. Good for you, for making this decision. If BIL doesn't like it, he can just stay home.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
arkansasmama08
by Gold Member on Apr. 7, 2013 at 10:44 AM
I agree. Your kids come before his brother. If he doesn't like them then he can either be an adult and deal with it, or he can stay away from them.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
letstalk747
by Joy on Apr. 7, 2013 at 1:32 PM

sorry you have to deal with this

darbyakeep45
by Darby on Apr. 7, 2013 at 4:23 PM

Oh my goodness mama!  I'm sorry!  

Bluecalm
by Silver Member on Apr. 7, 2013 at 4:31 PM
2 moms liked this

Before you get married, have a serious talk with your fiance. It may come down to him having to pick you and your children over his brother. You want to make sure he's totally on board with that and doesn't resent you later.

gma12.1
by on Apr. 7, 2013 at 4:47 PM

I am sorry that you have to go thru this. Some people just don't want to understand. Does he know that your son has Aspergers' and spd? He may just be someone who just doesn't want to know about anything different. I would give him the choice of being a man and dealing with it for the wedding and the sake of his brother or not be a part of it and act like a child.

As far as helping him understand, that I don't know because he has to be open to learning. Maybe get some literature from the internet, or the Dr to give him to read and be there to answer any questions he may have.

My Second time around & loving it!
boy n girl     toddler girlLina

The Twins R & A

mbalmerswife
by on Apr. 7, 2013 at 5:17 PM
We sat and talked about it a lot last night and throughout today and says that we come before his brother in this matter. I hope he means it.

Quoting Bluecalm:

Before you get married, have a serious talk with your fiance. It may come down to him having to pick you and your children over his brother. You want to make sure he's totally on board with that and doesn't resent you later.

Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
mbalmerswife
by on Apr. 7, 2013 at 5:19 PM
His brothers words were, "I know he's autistic and stuff but he's just out of control sometimes." Yes, yes he is out of control sometimes...its something I try to help my son through but it just can't be stopped sometimes.

Quoting gma12.1:

I am sorry that you have to go thru this. Some people just don't want to understand. Does he know that your son has Aspergers' and spd? He may just be someone who just doesn't want to know about anything different. I would give him the choice of being a man and dealing with it for the wedding and the sake of his brother or not be a part of it and act like a child.

As far as helping him understand, that I don't know because he has to be open to learning. Maybe get some literature from the internet, or the Dr to give him to read and be there to answer any questions he may have.

Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
gma12.1
by on Apr. 7, 2013 at 6:49 PM

That pretty much says that he doesn't want to learn anything at all. He is just a jerk. You and your fiance are going to have to have a talk about the family situation. In-laws can be a problem farther down the road and it is best to talk it all out now. If the brother really wants to act like a child then he can stay home instead of being part of the wedding in any way. It sounds harsh but maybe being put that way the man/child will get the idea that it isn't really about him.

Quoting mbalmerswife:

His brothers words were, "I know he's autistic and stuff but he's just out of control sometimes." Yes, yes he is out of control sometimes...its something I try to help my son through but it just can't be stopped sometimes.

Quoting gma12.1:

I am sorry that you have to go thru this. Some people just don't want to understand. Does he know that your son has Aspergers' and spd? He may just be someone who just doesn't want to know about anything different. I would give him the choice of being a man and dealing with it for the wedding and the sake of his brother or not be a part of it and act like a child.

As far as helping him understand, that I don't know because he has to be open to learning. Maybe get some literature from the internet, or the Dr to give him to read and be there to answer any questions he may have.


My Second time around & loving it!
boy n girl     toddler girlLina

The Twins R & A

mbalmerswife
by on Apr. 7, 2013 at 8:02 PM
1 mom liked this

It makes me really sad that he won't even attempt to understand or learn anything.  I don't know.  This is all a mess and I go back and forth between being angry and wanted to just throw him out of the wedding altogether and being compassionate and giving him the option to not come.

Quoting gma12.1:

That pretty much says that he doesn't want to learn anything at all. He is just a jerk. You and your fiance are going to have to have a talk about the family situation. In-laws can be a problem farther down the road and it is best to talk it all out now. If the brother really wants to act like a child then he can stay home instead of being part of the wedding in any way. It sounds harsh but maybe being put that way the man/child will get the idea that it isn't really about him.

Quoting mbalmerswife:

His brothers words were, "I know he's autistic and stuff but he's just out of control sometimes." Yes, yes he is out of control sometimes...its something I try to help my son through but it just can't be stopped sometimes.

Quoting gma12.1:

I am sorry that you have to go thru this. Some people just don't want to understand. Does he know that your son has Aspergers' and spd? He may just be someone who just doesn't want to know about anything different. I would give him the choice of being a man and dealing with it for the wedding and the sake of his brother or not be a part of it and act like a child.

As far as helping him understand, that I don't know because he has to be open to learning. Maybe get some literature from the internet, or the Dr to give him to read and be there to answer any questions he may have.



Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)