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When will someone offer to help me?...vent

Posted by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 10:52 AM
  • 17 Replies

I dont post here too much but my daughter has multiple special needs. Nissen and gtube, urinary reflux, acid reflux, asthma, speech delay, orthopedic issues, comunication issues. My day is draining to say the least. But Im becoming so frustarted because everyone comes to me for help. My friend going thorugh a seperation wants my help watching her kids (a 7 year old and almost 3 year old twins) I already babysit my 5 month old nephew for my sister every day for no pay at all because she is dead broke and can afford to pay me. I want to help my friend out too but I think I would go crazy with that many kids to tend to plus I cannot take them all with me to apointments and stuff. I would have 6 kids with just me watching them. Everyone comes to me for something but no one ever offers any amount of assistance to me. I cant even go grocery shoping with my youngest because her sensory problems are so severe that a trip to the store turns into her head butting and biting me and screaming. I have to take care of my house and dinner for my husband and kids, and not to mention were fighting a CPS investigation because of my daughters FTT and medical issues (that is for the most part a non issue because CPS is not worried about me and knows my daugher issues are not caused by me but its still on my mind daily)

I just wish someone would stop and think "Hmm maybe she needs a break for a few hours" I never get a break, ever. I know most moms of children with special needs dont get breaks, Im just starting to feel like Im going to explode. I cried myself to sleep last night becase Im so overwhelmed and everyone just keeps asking me to do more and more. I cannot get respite care unless we can prove her FTT is caused by pshycological reasons (her feeding therapist says they are but she is not currently seeing her right now because of the CPS stuff) I cannot afford private care for her and my older daughter so its not an option. I just wish I had more friends around me who understood what Im dealing with. Thanks for letting me vent.

by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 10:52 AM
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Replies (1-10):
letstalk747
by Ruby Member on Jul. 31, 2013 at 11:04 AM

 tell them what i say to people-''i got mt hands more than full with my own kids' no

girlymom26
by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 11:08 AM

lol thats part of my problem...I dont know how to say no. Ill wear myself thin just to be nice and help others. I need to learn how to say no.

letstalk747
by Ruby Member on Jul. 31, 2013 at 11:11 AM

i know , JUST DO IT , JUST SAY NO , i realize its hard for you but you need to take care of you which in turn is taking care of your kids and not other kids

Quoting girlymom26:

lol thats part of my problem...I dont know how to say no. Ill wear myself thin just to be nice and help others. I need to learn how to say no.


mlogsdon
by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 11:48 AM
I'm sorry momma. I think it's time that you added the word "no" to your vocabulary. Or. Ask them to reciprocate. If you're helping them, ask them to help you.
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dawncs
by Dawn on Jul. 31, 2013 at 12:10 PM

You need to be honest with her that you have appointments on a regular basis to take your daughter to, and you have no room in the car for her kids. However, have you thought of getting in touch with your service provider to see if you qualify for respite care? Have you tried applying for SSI under the Katie Beckett plan and SSI? It is always worth a try.

Dawn


Group owner of Different Learners Support Group (http://www.cafemom.com/group/118648)

mandee1503
by Amanda on Jul. 31, 2013 at 12:14 PM
I'm so sorry. But have you asked? Maybe they think you have it under control because you don't ask for help.
girlymom26
by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 1:41 PM

I have not asked. I really try to put up a good front that Im handeling it all ok on my own. For the most part I do but there are times I wish I could just call someone to escape.

I have looked into respite care a little but it seems you have to be severly mentally disabled to quallify. It looked like the comunity of mental health is who takes care of respite care in my area. Im not sure if there are other places or not that do it. Im not even sure where to ask. I guess the social worker at our hospital maybe? I read that if we can get her diagnosis of failure to thrive due to mental issues then she would quallify but Im not sure if any of the doctors are willing to even try since they believe there is nothing "wrong" with her. Its frustrating knowing your daugher has multiple genetic markers along with defects in a lot of areas but your told there is nothing wrong. I also started the SSI application but never finished it. I keep trying to lie to myself that she isnt that disabled so why take it away from people who are like wheelchair bound and what not. Im not even sure if I can try again since I never finished the process.

Linagma03
by Platinum Member on Jul. 31, 2013 at 2:09 PM

Putting on a happy face is good but makes people feel like they CAN come to you because you DO appear to have it all together. It makes them feel good that a person like you that can do everything with out any problem can care for their kids or help them in some way that they aren't worried. It also makes them not feel bad about taking advantage of you. 

If you have a problem saying "NO" then let them see that you DON'T have it all together that you are a normal person and not Wonder Woman who has all the answers. Maybe once they see that you struggle just like they do things will change. 

I just read what I wrote and it sounds harsh. I don't mean it to be I have been in your shoes and I know how hard it is to say "NO" to someone who does need help. Everyone thought that I was the greatest of people because I seemed to have it all together, I was able to take care of everything and everyone. When I finally began to show that I was a normal person who struggled just like they did I began to get offers of help from them. 

That happy face is both a blessing and a curse! Good Luck! 


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cnsmom
by Bronze Member on Jul. 31, 2013 at 3:11 PM

I've had to say no to a couple of people now, and I am ok with it.  My little girl goes to 3 theropies each week, and for a while we were having numerous unexpected dr, and hospital visits.  (she was having UTI's, and getting sick, and having seizures, we didn't know what was happening at the time, so it was a trip to the ER, some hospital stays, and even hospital transfers 2 hrs away, everytime this happened) 

Sometimes when you are a stay at home mom, people just assume that you have time to babysit for them, and when you have a sn child that usually isn't the case.  You actually need help most days yourself. haha

I would just say that because of your daughters needs, appointments and everything you just can't watch 3 more kids.  It is to hard to load up a bunch of kids and take to appointments with you.  When you go on these appointments (and that you don't feel comfortable taking kids with you to apts)  you need to be focused, not chasing after kids.  Express your appologies, and leave it at that.  That is how I handeled it, when faced with a similar situation.  Good luck, I know that it is hard to say no, but sometimes it has to be done.  If the person is a good friend they will understand.

Bluecalm
by Silver Member on Jul. 31, 2013 at 4:10 PM
"I'm sorry, that arrangement doesn't work for me/ my family."
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