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Blaming Myself

Posted by on Nov. 26, 2013 at 11:55 PM
  • 14 Replies

 My oldest daughter has severe anxiety disorder.  She sees a counselor and a psychiatrist.  She has a 504 plan at school and is on 2 different medications.  I feel sooo bad for her.  I wish I could fix it and make her feel better but I feel so helpless.   She struggles with it daily and I've read all the advice and try to do the best I can but I cant help but be overwhelmed with guilt.  I feel like the symptoms were there when she was little and I didnt figure it out.    I worry I may have yelled too much, wasnt home enough, fought with my husband too much.  I was a teen mom when she was born so I blame that.     The dr says this is a biological issue but I cant help thinking I caused it somehow.  Do you ladies ever feel this kind of guilt?   I know this is nothing compared to what some of you are dealing with and she is not my only special needs kid but my other child has hearing loss and its something that can be treated easily and understood easily so for me thats easier.  Anyone else have a child with anxiety disorder?  Do you blame yourself?  Sorry for my rambling, having a rough night.

by on Nov. 26, 2013 at 11:55 PM
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Replies (1-10):
letstalk747
by Joy on Nov. 27, 2013 at 12:07 AM

welcome ,i know what you mean , since i dont know how  her past was i can only  say how old is she ?

what meds does she take ?

alot of our kids here have anxiety , lots of support here glad you found us

Lordgodempress
by Member on Nov. 27, 2013 at 12:12 AM



Quoting letstalk747:

welcome ,i know what you mean , since i dont know how  her past was i can only  say how old is she ?

what meds does she take ?

alot of our kids here have anxiety , lots of support here glad you found us

She is on Strattera and Citalopram.  She is 16 yrs old.  She is great kid, has lots of friends is on the student council and makes good grades.  She has bad panic attacks and school really stresses her out.   The Dr just upped her dosage on Citalopram but the older she gets the worse it seems.    She did tell me that I always help her and she relies on me a lot to help her work through it but I'm worried about when she moves off on her own


letstalk747
by Joy on Nov. 27, 2013 at 12:23 AM

im glad she has you to rely on

have you ever homeschooled ?

Quoting Lordgodempress:



Quoting letstalk747:

welcome ,i know what you mean , since i dont know how  her past was i can only  say how old is she ?

what meds does she take ?

alot of our kids here have anxiety , lots of support here glad you found us

She is on Strattera and Citalopram.  She is 16 yrs old.  She is great kid, has lots of friends is on the student council and makes good grades.  She has bad panic attacks and school really stresses her out.   The Dr just upped her dosage on Citalopram but the older she gets the worse it seems.    She did tell me that I always help her and she relies on me a lot to help her work through it but I'm worried about when she moves off on her own



LADYxGHOST
by Member on Nov. 27, 2013 at 12:52 AM

From what I know about anxiety disorder (having it myself) you may very well have "caused" this.  However your child would have had to have a predisposition to it. You yelling and the fighting could have been a trigger to get the ball rolling. But your guilt will do nothing but make the situation worse.  Children feed off tier parents emotional state. Regardless of if you did something that cause this or not is at this point irrelevant. You made mistakes and you obviously see that they where not ideal for your child and I presume are doing your best to change those behaviours, that is all you can do.

Think of it this way, you child is predisposed to this and most likely if you didn't do anything to trigger it, this would ahve come out when she was in college or at work.  Times where she would have no safety net and no mom to help her get through this and where the cost of deeling with the anxiety disorder cold be droppingout of college or loosing her job.  Right now she has you and you can help her get the services she needs to get the skills she needs to learn to deal withher anxiety. Sure it will not be easy and their will be negatives withdealing withit now, but none as negative as having to deal with this when she is out in the world all alone.

You need to make piece withyour guilt. My dd suffered with depression as a young child. Predisposes to depression but life situations where the trigger. My guilt only made things worse. If Ihadnot done this, if I had done this.....yeah she may not have had to struggle with depression from 4th -8thgrade but sooner or later she would have had to deal with it.  She is in 9thgrade now and is doing great. She recovered and is stronger for it and has the skills to deal with her emotioanl highs and lows that her peers lack.

Ideally we do not want our children to suffer, but that isn't the reality. Ideally we do not want to do anything that is even remotely related to causing anything negative to our children, that too is not reality. We do the best we can and if we mess up, we do the best to fix it.  That is all you can do. You didn't set out to hurt your daughter, you didn't want to hurt her and you surly didn't enjoy doing it. You did the best you could, you are doing the best you can. Guilt is for when we do something wrong and do not fix it. You have nothing to be guilty over. You need to come to terms with what you did or didn't do. Thin about why you did those things and if you intended to cause your child harm and if you could honeslty see that those things are what caused this. No one knows for certain what causes anxiety disorders, any number of things could be a trigger and it isn't just 1 things, it is a bunch of things all piled together. Puberty itself is enough to cause anxiety in some.  You have no way of knowing what caused your child anxiety and certainly no way of knowing at the time it could cause anxietyin your child. And you had no way of knowing what those signs as a young child ment. Hind sight is 20/20. Of course it makes sence looking back, put you didn't have that luxury, you where looking forward as you should be doing now.

I aplogize for writing so much, it is just that carring the guilt will cause harm to you and your family. Guilt is distructive and has no place in a healing enviroment.  You child needs you to be a rock for her, she needs you to be a strength for her to carry her through this, guilt with prevent you from doing this. 

Work with her dr and see if he/she can identify the cause of her attacks.  make time to spend with her in an enviorment that is calming to her and helps her relax.  Giving her plenty of time to relax and recover is the best thing for anxiety.  it is draining and can build and build to lead to attacks.  Look into alternate education for your child that requires her to not go to a classroom. Removing her from the place and environment that is the primary source of the anxiety or where she has the most attacks is a first step that will allow her to work on skills and as she develops the skills she can work on reintegration into the ares that previously where a source of the attacks.  If removing her from school is not an option ensure there is a plan in place fro her to have a "safe" place to go and distress and go if she is feeling stressed. For my ds it was the nurses office and she was very helpful at letting her go there to calm down. Talk tot eh school nurse, they have the ability to put these plans in place for medical conditions and anxiety disorder is a medical condition or have it added to her 504 Plan.

Be there for her, be her advocate. Do that and you have nothing to be guilty for.

mandee1503
by Amanda on Nov. 27, 2013 at 1:41 AM
*hugs*
darbyakeep45
by Darby on Nov. 27, 2013 at 5:50 AM

Welcome to the group and hugs mama!

Linagma03
by Gold Member on Nov. 27, 2013 at 8:40 AM

 Welcome to the group. The best thing you can do for you and her is find a way to stop blaming yourself. Easier said than done I know. Have you ever seen a therapist? Having anxiety disorder is a vicious circle and can become wearing on everyone because you don't know why this day it is worse or what has triggered an attack. I suffer from anxiety disorder and there were times I'd have an attack out of the blue just from a commercial on TV on a day that I'd been feeling great. Kids feel things and know when we're upset and blaming yourself isn't good for her or you. The biggest thing is that you are a human being and like everyone we make mistakes.

I think you are taking blame on for something that you can't change and you need to get some counseling for yourself so that you don't keep the guilt inside and make yourself ill. It's not easy I know how very hard it can be to let go of guilt.

Lina is my granddaughter, I've had her since she was 8 months old and after she was finally diagnosed I felt guilty for not pushing harder to get her seen sooner and into the birth to 3 program where she could've gotten help sooner. It took me a while with my therapist to get past that and realize that in my situation I'd done the best I could've done and there was nothing I should feel guilty about because I didn't give up and did get her the help. I think you need to do the same. I'm not saying this in a mean way even though it may sound that way because you can't type emotions.

Here is a big hug and a good luck for you.

Lordgodempress
by Member on Nov. 27, 2013 at 10:07 AM


Thank you for writing this.  I have recently started seeing a therapist because our lives have suddenly gone crazy.  Illness and then death  of family members, medical diagnoses, starting a new job, losing another one.   My daughters therapist tells me this is biological and was there at birth ( we even saw signs as a toddler, we had to switch daycares 3 times before she was able to adjust to one) I may cause triggers but I didnt cause the anxiety unless you look at genes ( it does run in my family).    To answer another persons question, we didn't homeschool but she goes to a small charter school with a difficult curriculum but they are awesome there.   All of her teachers know whats going on and the principal is really good at talking Andrea down.  They even learned to recognize whether shes going to have a good or bad day and they prepare.  I couldn't ask for a better school and she loves her school and has an excellent group of friends that even recognize when shes going to panic.   The support group she has is better than I ever expected.   I just get tired sometimes and tend to get overwhelmed.  I have 2 special needs kids and 1 gifted child ( which is special needs all on its own).   I absolutely realize what I am doing wrong and work very hard to correct those.  I am feeling much better this morning but at night when DH is working and Im alone I get overwhelmed with guilt and stress.  

Quoting LADYxGHOST:

From what I know about anxiety disorder (having it myself) you may very well have "caused" this.  However your child would have had to have a predisposition to it. You yelling and the fighting could have been a trigger to get the ball rolling. But your guilt will do nothing but make the situation worse.  Children feed off tier parents emotional state. Regardless of if you did something that cause this or not is at this point irrelevant. You made mistakes and you obviously see that they where not ideal for your child and I presume are doing your best to change those behaviours, that is all you can do.

Think of it this way, you child is predisposed to this and most likely if you didn't do anything to trigger it, this would ahve come out when she was in college or at work.  Times where she would have no safety net and no mom to help her get through this and where the cost of deeling with the anxiety disorder cold be droppingout of college or loosing her job.  Right now she has you and you can help her get the services she needs to get the skills she needs to learn to deal withher anxiety. Sure it will not be easy and their will be negatives withdealing withit now, but none as negative as having to deal with this when she is out in the world all alone.

You need to make piece withyour guilt. My dd suffered with depression as a young child. Predisposes to depression but life situations where the trigger. My guilt only made things worse. If Ihadnot done this, if I had done this.....yeah she may not have had to struggle with depression from 4th -8thgrade but sooner or later she would have had to deal with it.  She is in 9thgrade now and is doing great. She recovered and is stronger for it and has the skills to deal with her emotioanl highs and lows that her peers lack.

Ideally we do not want our children to suffer, but that isn't the reality. Ideally we do not want to do anything that is even remotely related to causing anything negative to our children, that too is not reality. We do the best we can and if we mess up, we do the best to fix it.  That is all you can do. You didn't set out to hurt your daughter, you didn't want to hurt her and you surly didn't enjoy doing it. You did the best you could, you are doing the best you can. Guilt is for when we do something wrong and do not fix it. You have nothing to be guilty over. You need to come to terms with what you did or didn't do. Thin about why you did those things and if you intended to cause your child harm and if you could honeslty see that those things are what caused this. No one knows for certain what causes anxiety disorders, any number of things could be a trigger and it isn't just 1 things, it is a bunch of things all piled together. Puberty itself is enough to cause anxiety in some.  You have no way of knowing what caused your child anxiety and certainly no way of knowing at the time it could cause anxietyin your child. And you had no way of knowing what those signs as a young child ment. Hind sight is 20/20. Of course it makes sence looking back, put you didn't have that luxury, you where looking forward as you should be doing now.

I aplogize for writing so much, it is just that carring the guilt will cause harm to you and your family. Guilt is distructive and has no place in a healing enviroment.  You child needs you to be a rock for her, she needs you to be a strength for her to carry her through this, guilt with prevent you from doing this. 

Work with her dr and see if he/she can identify the cause of her attacks.  make time to spend with her in an enviorment that is calming to her and helps her relax.  Giving her plenty of time to relax and recover is the best thing for anxiety.  it is draining and can build and build to lead to attacks.  Look into alternate education for your child that requires her to not go to a classroom. Removing her from the place and environment that is the primary source of the anxiety or where she has the most attacks is a first step that will allow her to work on skills and as she develops the skills she can work on reintegration into the ares that previously where a source of the attacks.  If removing her from school is not an option ensure there is a plan in place fro her to have a "safe" place to go and distress and go if she is feeling stressed. For my ds it was the nurses office and she was very helpful at letting her go there to calm down. Talk tot eh school nurse, they have the ability to put these plans in place for medical conditions and anxiety disorder is a medical condition or have it added to her 504 Plan.

Be there for her, be her advocate. Do that and you have nothing to be guilty for.



Pukalani79
by on Nov. 27, 2013 at 1:26 PM
1 mom liked this

 Welcome to the group.  I think at one time or another, we all carry guilt in regards to our kids. I have one daughter who has communication delays among other things. I've worried that it was in part due to the birth control I was on for two months of the pregnancy, or that I didn't get her to the hospital fast enough when she first got sick and her oxygen counts were so low.  My other daughter has anxiety as well, and while we knew she was "different" from the time she was a toddler, we didn't realize how hard things were for her until she wanted to kill herself at 8.  I've held so much guilt over that.  But I've come to realize that the guilt isn't helping anyone.  It drags me down, and makes me less of the kind of mom I want to be for my kids.  It's certainly not helping my daughters.  The "would'ves, could'ves, should'ves" will haunt us for the rest of our lives, I have no doubt, but you can lessen the impact of those things - both on yourself and on your daughter by doing what you can to set aside that guilt and concentrating instead on helping her cope day to day.  ((HUGS))

Momof4AEMW
by Silver Member on Nov. 27, 2013 at 8:08 PM

Welcome Mama!

My 2 boys both have anxiety.  My oldest 10 I see it also effect his self confidence and ability to see when he does something good.  My little one (5) has it along with ASD and SPD so trying to take him out of the house is always a fearful scary mess.  Neither are medicated, it has not been suggested.

No, I don't feel guilty.  I have 3 SN kiddos plus my oldest son.  There are a lot of diagnosis in my house.  I didn't do anything to cause them, and you didn't either Mama.  Being a young mom may have given you a harder start, but parenting is hard no matter the age of the parents.  Love your kids, do everything you can to help them, and go on with life.  But let the guilt go.  You're a great mom, it's not your fault. 

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