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Cutting the kids bio dad out of our lives for their own good. (long sorry )

Posted by on Mar. 30, 2014 at 8:25 PM
  • 4 Replies

  Background: Ok so have 12 and 10 yr old DDs with the ex.  Hes the kind of guy that always in public acts like an envolved good dad and talks like he is , but in reality when hes not being watched is a total reverse.  His wife just left him about 2 months ago, becuase of his temper and violence( he hadnt hit her yet but constantly hitting walls and other things)  and childish ways ( many of the same reasons I divorced him)  Our 10 year old has some major mental/behvavioral issues( lot of things really, high functioning autistic and easiest way to explain some of it where an average person would get an idea is that if she was older she would be diagonsed as bipolar, but at 10 it has other diagnosises) .. And even though she adores her dad, even has stated she wants to live with him, (btw in front of her and her counselor he told her he didnt want her and couldnt take good care of her and she was better off with me.. when we divorced he told me If they were boys he would take them , but since they are girls I can have them,, if thats any indication of how he really feels)  her behavior is 100x worse when over  with him.  I was told ( and from when they were little what i saw)  that when they were over at his house, his wife was the one who actually did the parenting while he played video games or worked on cars or napped.  Well both of my girls were sexually abused  ar a young ageby a realtive (who has about 19 more years in prision, I found out and had it handled)  but this does contribute to some of iour youngests issues and she is aware of what happened..  When she has one of her big melt downs and gets mad she can do and say anything.. In the past shes gotten mad at me and other fam members and went to school and lied and said things like "when shes bad we cut her with knives etc"  ( been investigated by dhs, its all unfounded , its part of manipulative, and attention seeking behavior as the theraphist puts it)  But now that his wife has left him , in order to protect him and keep her from getting mad at him and saying he touches her, we iniated where he doestn take them to his house, but to his grand mothers.   Ok enough background.. on to the current stuf and problem at hand.

  Well a month ago our 10 yr old had to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital for the 3rd acute treatment  for hurting herself and behavior.  This time its BAD.. it was supposed tobe 7 days .. it got extended to 14 day stay and then she got moved to a long term treatment hospital.. she will be there at least 3 months  and can be there for a year if necessary.    The ex has not even asked me where she is at (location), when he can call and talk to her or vistit,  even what the phone number is.    I have made a few basic posts on fb for families telling them that things arent good, that her stay has been extended etc.  nothing specific.. He hasnt asked for any info of what exactly is going on.. 1 time he did comment he would be praying but thats it..  Well every time I call and talk to her (at least 4 times a week.. every singel day Im allowed)  she cries and askes me when hes gonna call her etc..  Its really really hurting her.. it hurts her too that he doesnt  see her more when shes home also..       ( our court order only gives him summer break, spring break, and every other christmas but I have an open door, and have been letting him get them every other weekend or if he wanted to, anytime as long as he gave me a days advance  although he didnt take advantage of that part unless his soon to be ex wanted them)    Well come to find out when he has been getting them ( and now just  our 12 yr old since our 10 yr old is in the mental hospital)   hes been taking them to his grandmas and dumping the kids off and going and doing w.e (last week it was spent building a new car with his dad)  or else just sleeping on the couch while his gradma watches them..     

  Now I dont mind they spend time with great grandma.. BUT it defeats the purpose of HIM spending anytime with them.. Hell even watching a movie on the couch since he says hes soo broke.. And atm hes only getting them 1 day every 2 weeks and still cant manage to spend time, I have even offered ( he did to it one time) to let him come hang out at my house so that he could spend time with them., or he could even take them to the park on a nice day ( about 6 blocks away) ..  Our 12 yr old told me she doesnt want to go anymore cause he ignores her..   and since he cant even attempt to call our youngest , and its not a help in her situation      Im not about to let him treat one like that and then come continue getting 12 yr old.   Our 12 yr old is pissed at how he is treating her sister  too  and doesnt want to see him till he  treats her sister better  ( even with their problems they both are close to each other and best friends)  

 So when he stops by next sunday.. Im planning on telling him what hes done is not acceptable, hurting the kids and Im not sending 12 yr old with him, and she doesnt want to go .. And allow him to ask her if he wants  and she can tell him how she feels.     Its obvious from his behavior ( and way more stuff than Ive said in here or it would be even longers (sorry info was needed or else post not make sense)  that he doesnt really care,. He picks them up so it looks good to others, an obligation not a desire to spend time with them.    He can take me to court even if he wants.  With the documentation from their theraphist of issues that have arisen at his house  the judge is quite likely to formally take away visits too.. especially with 12 yr old saying she doesnt wanna go. 

  If it was you, what would you do..  I dont  have any particuarlar bad feelings towards him, EXCEPT that its hurting my girls.   

by on Mar. 30, 2014 at 8:25 PM
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Replies (1-4):
Linagma03
by Platinum Member on Mar. 30, 2014 at 10:07 PM

I think I'd have to agree with you. You need to do what is the best thing for your girls. Have you talked to their therapist about all of this? I ask because the 10 year old may think that it is your fault her father isn't in her life. 

I hope that she gets better soon and can come to understand that not all people are cut out to be parents. 

Good Luck with all of this. 

saphiraka
by Member on Mar. 30, 2014 at 10:21 PM


Quoting Linagma03:

I think I'd have to agree with you. You need to do what is the best thing for your girls. Have you talked to their therapist about all of this? I ask because the 10 year old may think that it is your fault her father isn't in her life. 

I hope that she gets better soon and can come to understand that not all people are cut out to be parents. 

Good Luck with all of this.  

10 yr old knows up to this point ive been willing to let him come and see, call or take them whenever as long as given some notice.  While shes at the facility this time, and he hasnt called her.   And she is asking me why he hasnt talked to her I have told her he hasnt asked  for the number and when i offered didnt take it.  I havent told her yet about my decision. While shes there at the mental facility I dont think its a good idea and her counsler/theraphists there dont think its a good idea either.  but they are not happy with the things that have been told to them , regarding his behavior.  my 12 year old gets it and is all for not going with him.

Linagma03
by Platinum Member on Mar. 30, 2014 at 11:26 PM


Quoting saphiraka:


Quoting Linagma03:

I think I'd have to agree with you. You need to do what is the best thing for your girls. Have you talked to their therapist about all of this? I ask because the 10 year old may think that it is your fault her father isn't in her life. 

I hope that she gets better soon and can come to understand that not all people are cut out to be parents. 

Good Luck with all of this.  

10 yr old knows up to this point ive been willing to let him come and see, call or take them whenever as long as given some notice.  While shes at the facility this time, and he hasnt called her.   And she is asking me why he hasnt talked to her I have told her he hasnt asked  for the number and when i offered didnt take it.  I havent told her yet about my decision. While shes there at the mental facility I dont think its a good idea and her counsler/theraphists there dont think its a good idea either.  but they are not happy with the things that have been told to them , regarding his behavior.  my 12 year old gets it and is all for not going with him.

I wish people like him would realize what they do to their kids and probably everyone else around them too. 

I am glad that the 12 year old is able to understand things. I am sorry that you are in the position of having to tell your 10 year old that he hasn't asked anything about her. I hope that you can get him out of their lives until she is old enough to understand just how he is. 

This is nowhere near what you are dealing with but as far as getting a kid to understand how little a parent cares is hard especially when you are being the bigger person and not bad mouthing them. My step daughter doesn't want her kids but like a child with a toy she doesn't want anyone else to have them either. By that I mean custody. I have been raising her 3 kids for over 10 years now and in the last 18 months she hasn't made any effort to see the kids. She talks to the oldest 2 thru facebook IM, but hasn't even asked about the youngest one. The older 2 know that she doesn't really want them but then she will get the vibe that she is losing their sympathy so she will put a guilt trip on them and a sob story and they want to believe her but her actions speak louder than her words so she keeps pulling them back and forth. The youngest really doesn't know her mother and really doesn't understand much about the situation because she has always been with me and she has medical, physical and mental delays. The only reason I mention this is that I know what it is like to have to deal with a person that doesn't want their kids unless it benefits them. My situation is nowhere near what you and your girls have to deal with. 

I really hope this whole mess with him gets taken care of in the girls best interest. Stay strong for your girls! 

darbyakeep45
by Darby on Mar. 31, 2014 at 5:55 AM

You have to do what's best for your children mama...don't second guess yourself.  You are a great mom and you know them best!  Hugs!

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