Finding out I have 2 special needs children!
As I have posted many times about my ADHD son who is special needs. We are now in the evaluation process for ds4 and his autism evaluation. We had our preliminary screening appointment last Thursday to determine if he needed to go thru the testing process and they have scheduled us another appointment for the completion of the evaluation. The "preliminary" diagnosis is High Functioning Autism. The first part of the evaluation process was a total nightmare for ds4. He had a meltdown and wouldn't cooperate with the psychologist.
Anyway, I have just completely dealt with ds7 and his dx and being able to map out a treatment plan and feel secure that I can take care of him and teach him how to grow up to be a fully functioning adult even with his disabilities. Then, I open my e-mail in October to find out that ds4 pre-k teacher has noticed "quirks" that I thought just made him him and it was his personality as an issue. Eventhough she didn't call it an issue she just said that it was behavior that wasn't typical of a 4 y/o. He tends to chew and lick things and doesn't do certain activities that involve anything squishy, dirty, or social aspects. He doesn't talk to other children in the class and tends to line everything up and so on. So, I take him to the pediatrician only to hear him say I had suspicions over the past few months because he has become more introverted and his spinning and flapping have become apparent. So, off to the Autism center we went (almost 6 months later). Now, we are in the throws of a series of evaluations to figure out exactly where ds4 places on the spectrum and begin therapies. As we were going thru the initial evaluation I wanted to slap myself for not realizing sooner that this is what was wrong with him all along.
So, here I am a week later and still coping with the fact that I have 2 children that have special needs now and trying how to cope with it. Not that I don't want my children because I wouldn't give anything for my babies and all of their quirks and such, but I find myself angry that my children have to suffer thru the trials and the cruelty that comes with these diagnoses. I know that people can be extremely cruel and there is nothing like having a child have a meltdown in the middle of the grocery store for me to see just how cruel and nasty they can be. I am not ashamed of my children and their inability to control certain aspects of themselves. I just need to work thru the anger that seems to come out of no where and is most certainly followed by an intense sadness and hopefulness.
Luckily, I have been blessed with an amazing man that told me that God chose me for my boys because I am the only one fit for the job and that he isn't going to give me more than I can handle. I just have to find my peace and hope within all of the turmoil that consumes my life at this very moment. I know with a concrete diagnosis and a plan of treatment will come acceptance and the peace that I currently yearn for, but right now in this moment it is maddening to know that I have been blessed with 2 special needs children.
I realize that part of this post sounds really cruel, but I needed to get it out and figured that where better than with other moms who I'm sure have felt or are feeling the exact same things I am! Thanks for letting me vent. Now, my babies are home and it is homework and chore time which always comes with meltdowns and temper tantrums.