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Raising Special Needs Kids Raising Special Needs Kids

what do you think ?

Posted by on May. 2, 2014 at 2:53 PM
Joy
  • 8 Replies


Why Time-Outs Are Hurting Your Kid & What You Should Do Instead

The two biggest reasons to skip time-outs? They're not healthy for your child's emotional well-being (now or later), and they're not effective in terms of curbing "bad" behavior. (If you're constantly giving your child a time-out, that tells you something, doesn't it?)

Let's take a closer look at this form of discipline.

When toddlers "act out," there's generally a reason for it. They're trying to express something, even if it's in a way you don't like. "It's usually emotional or a call for attention," explains Klein. "They lack impulse control, so they act on their feelings with their bodies, mouths, and actions. To a child who is already upset or acting out, the time-out makes them even more mad and less understood. It says to the child that they are bad for what they are feeling or needing."

A time-out will make your child feel "unloved" at a crucial moment. Time-outs are a "power play by the parent to take control of the negative behavior, and that makes the child feel bad, shameful, and causes them to worry that the parent does not love them at the crucial time when they are building the trust that the parent is there for them in good moments and bad." When your child needs you most, he'll wind up feeling misunderstood and like you don't want to be around them unless they are anything but happy and well-behaved. If time-outs are used regularly, your child may stop talking with you about their feelings altogether, certain that you won't listen. (A lesson they will take well into the teen years!)

Time-outs have negative long-term effects on your child's emotional well-being.


Some experts believe that time-outs enforce the message that one should bottle up uncomfortable emotions, which, in turn, causes children to repress their painful feelings down the road. Time-outs can also thwart parents' efforts to create children who are equipped to take responsibility for their actions. "That can't happen if they learn their emotions are seen as bad," says Klein. "Instead, children need help knowing that they have good and bad feelings; that sometimes they listen, sometimes they don't." Also, if a parent uses control methods, the child doesn't learn how to regulate themselves and handle their own emotions in the long run. "They learn to avoid punishment or to increase their behavior to get more attention," adds Klein. "But they do not get practice in learning to understand their feelings and handle them, a process which takes time and lots of practice with adult help."

Time-outs won't address the real problem. Parents typically use time-outs when their toddler is "out of control" and needs to calm down. But banishing a child to the corner to regain control of their emotions hardly ever works. “Toddlers are just figuring out who they are and what their emotions are about,” notes Klein. "They are far from being able to handle these emotions on their own and count on adults to help them." If you're thinking time-outs are "working" for your child, think again. While your child may stop misbehaving in front of you, the problem isn't really solved. Siblings may stop fighting in front of Mom and Dad, but a time-out won't make them get along. Similarly, your kids might behave like angels in front of you but "misbehave" behind your back. The behavior will continue; the kids just try to avoid getting "caught."

There are healthier forms of discipline that will serve your child's emotional needs now -- and make them emotionally intelligent later. Children, of course, need to learn there are consequences for inappropriate behavior, but these consequences should be explained, understood, and never done out of anger or rage. "When a ‘bad’ behavior occurs, address the feeling underlying it by naming it, and giving the child another way to express it," suggests Klein. "Putting words to feelings is part of how children learn to regulate or handle them." For instance, say, "I know you're angry that we can't do that now, but I won’t let you hit me. Here is a pillow to hit." By meeting the behavior and letting your kid convey it in a more acceptable way, "the child does not have to worry that they have lost their parent's love and approval," says Klein. Zak Zarbock, M.D., pediatrician and founder of Zarbee's Naturals, recommends you practice "positive parenting" techniques with your kids. "Positive parenting is

something that takes a conscientious effort and builds over time," says Dr. Zarbock. It involves building a relationship of love and trust with your child and letting him know that feelings like anger, frustration, and sadness are normal and okay. (How would you like to be put in a time-out whenever you argued with someone?) The bottom line is to teach kids how to express their emotions in a healthy way that works for everyone rather than suppressing them. After all, loving our kids and raising them in the most positive way we can is what it's all about.

How do you manage your child's inappropriate behavior?

 

by on May. 2, 2014 at 2:53 PM
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Replies (1-8):
darbyakeep45
by Darby on May. 3, 2014 at 5:54 AM

I think that ALL children are different.  We, as parents, do what is best for OUR child.  Period.  What works for my kid might not work for another kid.  

Cindy18
by Silver Member on May. 3, 2014 at 7:18 AM
1 mom liked this

I think all children are different and what works for one doesn't work for the others. 

So, IMO, there is no one right way to discipline.

SamMom912
by Silver Member on May. 3, 2014 at 11:06 AM
1 mom liked this

Ive been parenting likethis article suggests for 4 years now.. And I wholeheartedly agree with it. I dont do time outs, I dont do any form of punishment or spank. I am always talking with Sam.. Helping him to do better. To access his feelings, to express himself, to respectfully listen to others. IMO its working great. Do we still have struggles, you bet. But I really respect myself parenting this way, and I LOVE who Sam is turning into!!!! 

mandee1503
by Amanda on May. 3, 2014 at 11:10 AM
All kids are different.
letstalk747
by Joy on May. 3, 2014 at 11:43 AM

this i agree

Quoting darbyakeep45:

I think that ALL children are different.  We, as parents, do what is best for OUR child.  Period.  What works for my kid might not work for another kid.  


letstalk747
by Joy on May. 3, 2014 at 11:44 AM
1 mom liked this

excellent

Quoting SamMom912:

Ive been parenting likethis article suggests for 4 years now.. And I wholeheartedly agree with it. I dont do time outs, I dont do any form of punishment or spank. I am always talking with Sam.. Helping him to do better. To access his feelings, to express himself, to respectfully listen to others. IMO its working great. Do we still have struggles, you bet. But I really respect myself parenting this way, and I LOVE who Sam is turning into!!!! 


SamMom912
by Silver Member on May. 3, 2014 at 7:45 PM

 IM really lucky Sam is so verbal and can tell me what he is thinking/feeling. IN a time out when he was like 3-4 he once said.. Mommy, dont leave me, I need you now!... and it hit me then that in a time when he most needed help calming down, regualting his emotions (part of his disorder) I was leaving him to "fend for himself".. and that time out... wasnt teaching him what TO DO... it only let him know I was unhappy with what he did do... but I could just say "Please dont do that because..." there have been many times that Ive really woken up about WHY I wanted him to listen... When he was playing with his car seat while driving, I pulled over and I said "Sam, when you play with that I' concerned your not safe. I cant concentrate on the road thinking that your not safe. It makes me feel better when I KNOW you're safe in your car seat. That is why its important that you leave it alone when we are driving."... 40 seconds later he says.. "Mom, I play with the car seat because it hurts my neck and my sholder. When I move it around, it doesnt hurt so much" Shortly after that, I bought one of those soft peices of foam to go over the seat belt.. and he no longer plays...
But how many parents would still be telling their kids hands off seatbelt.. or punishing them or putting them in time out?
DONT misunderstand, I KNOW I am blessed to have a verbal kid who understands.. I think that is why this works well for him. I have MANY friends I know who this would NEVER work with...and I certainly dont believe it works for everyone...
I do think however, this way has taught me to ASK.. To LISTEN.. to TRUST and BELIEVE in the goodness within ALL children. When they arent "behaving" or "doing whats asked" something IS keeping them from doing it... and the good problems solvers, the grown ups need to help.. and listen.. :)   

Quoting letstalk747:

excellent

Quoting SamMom912:

Ive been parenting likethis article suggests for 4 years now.. And I wholeheartedly agree with it. I dont do time outs, I dont do any form of punishment or spank. I am always talking with Sam.. Helping him to do better. To access his feelings, to express himself, to respectfully listen to others. IMO its working great. Do we still have struggles, you bet. But I really respect myself parenting this way, and I LOVE who Sam is turning into!!!! 

 

jjamom
by Michele on May. 3, 2014 at 8:15 PM
This is so true. ALL children are different. Even what works for one of my own children doesn't necessarily work for another. They are all individuals.

With that said, I was never big on time out. I never really felt it did much for any of my kids.

Quoting darbyakeep45:

I think that ALL children are different.  We, as parents, do what is best for OUR child.  Period.  What works for my kid might not work for another kid.  

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