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The forgotten children in the adoption "Triad"

Posted by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 11:17 AM
  • 9 Replies

We recently went to an adoption family camp, and one of the many important things that I learned was that the adoption Triad excludes too many important people.  There was an adopted child and sibling panel. All adults that were adopted as children, or had adopted siblings. One thing that was discussed was how left out and unimportant the biological children felt when it came to the adoption. Their lives are affected by adoption just as profoundly as the adoptive parent's lives are, but they often get overlooked. 

Do you have a biological child and an adopted child in  your family?

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by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 11:17 AM
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STVUstudent
by Member on Aug. 17, 2011 at 11:28 AM

All of mine were adopted, and they are all very close in age.  One child, however, looks markedly different from the other two, who look much like my spouse and myself.  My little brown girl will never look like she came from my womb, even if I did want to hide the fact that she was adopted. 

My son, age three, told me the other day that his brother was growing in Jesus' heart and would come to us when he is big enough. 

harmony7
by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 12:05 PM

I have 7 bio children with three of them still living at home. Yes it has affected them profoundly and sometimes they are not as gracious or as kind as they should be but neither is any sibling rivalry. I think the difference with us is we introduced the idea of adoption when they were younger and it was not until they come to us when our youngest was 12 and as a group they said they were ready to adopt a waiting child. We had a family meeting and listened to their input. Age limits were defined as not older then the youngest but older then five...they did not want a preschooler although I would have loved one. They wanted all boys, there was a list of issues they felt they were not willing to deal with. The boys sat in on our meeting with the caseworkers and even went to some of our classes. So they knew as much as we did as to what we would be getting into and what we would be taking on. I have to say they have more then stepped up. The first months were hard and DH and I would have thrown in the towel after realizing the boys had many more issues then we were told of. (they were 9, 11 and 13 when they moved in 15 months ago.) but it was our bio children who held in and said no way are we giving up on them, they are our brothers. We had many family meetings in those days that did not include the new children ....fast forward to today...They share a room, all six of them. They play soccer together in AYSO, they play soccer at the house, they wrestle both club, school and at home,  they sit at the table and do homework together and the older boys help the younger ones to catch up. The 17 year old who is all about playing takes them swimming, to the park, to Arbeys for a sandwich he pays for, The older boys do correct the language, attitudes and actions of the children and we allow it under cetain guidelines as they have been in this family much longer and know the rules. Also the younger boys have absolute hero worship going on and bit of leadership from your heroes always helps. We have a small home and the kids ...none of them are ever alone. Someone is always with you..loving on you, playing with you, correcting you or helping you. The boys have come from crazy strange behaviours and antisocial skills that many kids with RAD and other diagnosis exhibit to pretty normal kids in a very short time. I attribute this to much prayer, lots of talking, no time to think and mull things over, their embracing our home and new way of life and the older boys stepping up and doing what they feel is a calling on their lives. Sometimes they get angry but they said they would not give up on them and no way were they ever going to be anywhere else, they are their brothers.

billssweety
by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 3:32 PM

We have 2 bio and 2 adopted, we included our girls in the entire process, always consulting with them when a child (ren) were presented to us and they had a say in the decision we made, we turned a set down because of them and felt good with that decision.  Now people have no idea that we have adopted children, they are so close it is incredible!!  We still consult with our girls on discipline ideas, they are true blessings!!

mcginnisc
by Claire on Aug. 17, 2011 at 4:35 PM

We have one adopted and one biological. 

We are one of those couples that it happened to.... adopted and then got pregnant. Talk about a shock. After 11 years of marriage, and then adopting, we somehow got pregnant 8 months after coming home from China. 

Our girls are 2 years 9 months apart. They are very close and they bicker like all siblings do. I am sure that we will experience more issues as they mature. Right now, Lilly is very "secure" in her 5 yr old world of adoption. Karli doesn't get it yet- she says that she is from China like Lilly and we tell her that she is not from China. Luckily, we are very open with both of the girls and we are willing to talk about adoption whenever it comes up. 

Claire

danssugarbabe
by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 4:41 PM

We have 2 adopted kids.  Shaleigh knows she came from mommy Annie's tummy and that Cody came from mommy Charlotte's tummy....but they were both born in our hearts.

 

coonanmom
by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 7:34 PM

We have 6 kids 3 are adopted.  The first 2 helped with picking our first infant we adopted, a girlnumber 3.  They were with us all the way through the journey.  We adopted through foster care.  I had our 4th child a boy 1 1/2 years latter.  Oldest went off to collage.  We were at a friends who also dose foster care.  Played with a 5 month old boy.  On the way home oldest daughter asked if we could adopted him.  He came to our house to stay 1 month latter.  8months latter the social worker told us birth mom was pregnant.  We brought home number 6 when he was 3 days old.  All the kids no matter how old have helped and walked this journey with my husband and I.  We are a family.  Most people can not tell which our adopted and which I had.  They are all close and would not give anyone back.  We always included them in the plans.    

doodlebopfan
by Bronze Member on Aug. 18, 2011 at 11:00 AM

OP, are talking about the bio children in the home, or the bio/birth siblings that each adopted child may hav? I have heard stories of the older siblings (and sometimes younger siblings) of the adopted child who know that the younger child was adopted by another family are sometimes excluded and told that they are no longer siblings to the adopted child.

meam4444
by on Aug. 18, 2011 at 2:50 PM

 My husband and I are hoping to adopt in the future, and I have always wondered how we can best create for a smooth and easy transition when it comes our time for the adopted child along with our own bio children.  It is really interesting to read these replies.  I look forward to many more with regards to this topic.

3gifts.from.god
by on Aug. 18, 2011 at 4:38 PM

Both really. They are siblings, adoption or not.  No one can take that away from them.

Quoting doodlebopfan:

OP, are talking about the bio children in the home, or the bio/birth siblings that each adopted child may hav? I have heard stories of the older siblings (and sometimes younger siblings) of the adopted child who know that the younger child was adopted by another family are sometimes excluded and told that they are no longer siblings to the adopted child.


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