Should I close an open adoption with birth family?

[luvmybgtwins]

We have or had a very open adoption, but the birth mom is treating me very badly. Coming into my home and not saying 1 word to me. She did this because she is upset with me about anything and everything. She told me to shut the f up in one of many text to me. She has called me horrible names in text. All this drama is stressing me out and my kids can sense my stress. Should I close it completely with the birth mom, birth dad & birth grandma, etc. I say all those other people because they criticize my parenting and suggest how they would have done it differently. The birth uncle came over one time and handed my child to the birth dad and said, "Here go to daddy." I would feel so guilty if I were to close the adoption...but the way they me feel horrible as a person and a mom. I usually let these things go, but my kids are effected by my stress and that's where I draw the line. 

If you think I should close it, please give me suggestions on how I should go about that. However, if you think I should keep it open, leave suggestions on how I can deal with all this drama and how horrible they make me feel.

[Noahs_Mommy08]

I wish I could offer some type of advice, but my situation was an unusual one where I had no choice but to close the adoption. The birth mom was causing all kinds of trouble for us even went as far as calling cps on me for something she made up because she wanted our son back. After that, which was the last straw, trust me, we’d been through so much more than that with her, I felt as if I didn’t have a choice.

For a brief time I let her live in my home, and found her pinching my son’s arm, and telling him to call her mommy. I had to put my foot down.

Do what you think is right. I think you have a shot at talking to them and letting them know what you expect, or else. But the chances of that actually working are slim.

I had to protect my son, and that may be what it boils down to for you. Good luck and I wish you well.

[scaryfairy81]

I would definitely talk to them and let them know they are crossing the line and for the sake of the child there needs to be boundaries and respect. And if they can't abide and refuse to be civil, I would tell them you will continue to send pictures and keep them updated on major things, but that will be the extent of contact unless they change their behavior. I wouldn't cut off all contact or close things completely, but keeping it to a minimum might be the healthiest for everyone.

[clvahlberg]

Personally, I think you should do what you can to try and keep the adoption open, but the birth family should not be treating you this way. If it was me, I would write a letter to them expressing your feelings and setting limits, rules and consequences (if they don't abide by your rules). Put it in writing, so they get it all at once and it's not a face to face confrontation that turns into an argument. And stick to it! Let them know that they need to respect your family and your role as parent and if they can't do that, then they are just causing harm to the child. Ultimately, you have to do what you need to protect your family. Best of luck!

[danssugarbabe]

Harmony7 had it pegged.  They have no right to treat you this way.  Ultimately they had their right either terminated or they choose to sign them away.  That means they have no right to parent that child.  I commend you for letting them be that involved in your life.  Cody's mom is still apart of our lives and we share phone calls and are about to do a visit.  However, I would never let them come to my hosue so you are better than me. 

[maggiemom2000]

I think you should leave it open, but you need to set some really clear boundaries! First, I would no longer allow any if the birth family into your home. You need to maintain contact, but set some distance. Agree to meeting someplace like a park a few times a year, and e-mailing updates/photos a few times a year. That should be it!!

In other situations you might be able to have a relationship where BM and family could visit in your home, but I tell you what, that first "shut the f up" should have ended at the first one. You can no longer accept texts from her. period. You may need to set the rule of don't contact me, I'll contact you.

You need to arrange it o that they have no place to criticize you or your parenting. Limiting it to a few visits at the park may do that, if not you'll need to back away even further.

[MKBoyle]

Getting a mediator or some sort of neutral third person involved might be good, too. I have a feeling that sitting down and having a level headed, logical conversation isn't going to go over terribly well, and you might need someone who has experience negotiating these situations that are emotionally charged. Good luck!

[kingkongsmom]

IMO- Close it off for th eBest interests of your child/children, let them know why, BOUNDRIES Must be Kept for the best interest of children always, you can revisit the OPEN part once you re-establish your trust in them to act civil, and interact in loving ways around,towards kids which ofcourse includesPOSITIVE comments,interactions,...............

I get  aggravated, mad, hurt,..............often enough about how paternal family of my son acts when it comes to certain things However no matter how much we disagree, get angry,... No one ever says/does anything in front of/around my son that is negative to his well being. He is old enough now to figure out that I may not be happy sometimes at the moment with his dad, step mom,  others,.........but, he knows also that is grown up stuff and he doesnt get to know details, all he knows is that we all love him. -Bmom has only had one visit she agreed to finally, she refuses to stick to foundation of basics-what is best for son, she lies, instigates things,..............so I stopped trying with her but it took 5 yrs to get one visit, I was so happy that she agreed finally but she isnt going to use my son to instigate, be negative,.......maybe later down the road she will grow up but I have to put my child's best interests, his childhood first.

Adults have to stay within certain boundries and that should be based on how something said/done will/can effect the best interests of the child.

Your the Mom raising children, you have to learn to be firm, no matter how much you want to be open if its hurting kids' emotonally it is Not a good thing. There is always later when everyone is more mature,...

--Though I don't understand how an uncle stating' go to daddy' is a bad thing, Open means all are known..... even Bmom to my son whom never wanted to even look t him for 5 yrs. is known as 'tummy Mom' and if she ever grows up and becomes part of his life, He can certainly call her mom too, he has an auntie-mom, step mom or momma L..... and Im just mom unless they tease him and say "im your mom...." then he always says "no, I want my real mom', he calls dad/step mom his real parents and me his real mom.- they are real parents cause they are same race as him ( though he is actually mixed) and Im real mom cause I raise him, we just think its funny/cute. what he calls each of us may change in years to come but its me he is always gonna holler for  and we all know it, he's a momma boy.

[scaryfairy81]

I'm guessing the "Go to Daddy" remark stood out for her because it may have been a pointed comment, meant to belittle the role of the adoptive parents, just judging on how they have criticized her parenting and otherwise disrespected them. But I could be wrong, and it may very well have been an innocent thing, although I can see why it could have hurt/bothered them. Our son's birthfather has never been in the picture, he repeatedly abused the mother, physically and sexually, he stalked her and controlled her, and with absolutely no regard to the fact she was pregnant. He didn't want a child, he was clear about that. One time when DS was a few months old, I texted some pics to his bmom, and got a response back saying just "He looks like his daddy." I doubt she meant anything more than there is a resemblance, but at the time, the word "daddy" being used related to the grown man who got her pregnant when she was barely 15 and abused her and our unborn son and hasn't been there for her or for him, it felt like a stab in the heart. My husband is Daddy through and through. He has been there since day 1, he shared getting up every 2 hours, he rocked and fed and bathed and sang to him, he would never dream of harming him. But I know that she knows this, and it was just an offhand comment that she didn't mean an deeper than what it was.

Quoting kingkongsmom:

IMO- Close it off for th eBest interests of your child/children, let them know why, BOUNDRIES Must be Kept for the best interest of children always, you can revisit the OPEN part once you re-establish your trust in them to act civil, and interact in loving ways around,towards kids which ofcourse includesPOSITIVE comments,interactions,...............

I get  aggravated, mad, hurt,..............often enough about how paternal family of my son acts when it comes to certain things However no matter how much we disagree, get angry,... No one ever says/does anything in front of/around my son that is negative to his well being. He is old enough now to figure out that I may not be happy sometimes at the moment with his dad, step mom,  others,.........but, he knows also that is grown up stuff and he doesnt get to know details, all he knows is that we all love him. -Bmom has only had one visit she agreed to finally, she refuses to stick to foundation of basics-what is best for son, she lies, instigates things,..............so I stopped trying with her but it took 5 yrs to get one visit, I was so happy that she agreed finally but she isnt going to use my son to instigate, be negative,.......maybe later down the road she will grow up but I have to put my child's best interests, his childhood first.

Adults have to stay within certain boundries and that should be based on how something said/done will/can effect the best interests of the child.

Your the Mom raising children, you have to learn to be firm, no matter how much you want to be open if its hurting kids' emotonally it is Not a good thing. There is always later when everyone is more mature,...

--Though I don't understand how an uncle stating' go to daddy' is a bad thing, Open means all are known..... even Bmom to my son whom never wanted to even look t him for 5 yrs. is known as 'tummy Mom' and if she ever grows up and becomes part of his life, He can certainly call her mom too, he has an auntie-mom, step mom or momma L..... and Im just mom unless they tease him and say "im your mom...." then he always says "no, I want my real mom', he calls dad/step mom his real parents and me his real mom.- they are real parents cause they are same race as him ( though he is actually mixed) and Im real mom cause I raise him, we just think its funny/cute. what he calls each of us may change in years to come but its me he is always gonna holler for  and we all know it, he's a momma boy.

[jen1130]

I would stop the bio family from coming to your home. Your home is your/child's safe space. Open adoption can be letter contact or visits.......I would think about what you can live with. Maybe 1 visit a month or 2-4 a year. at any child friendley place. Let the family know any more nasty stuff and it will be done.

I like a Chuck E cheese type place due to the safety of it. If you do something like that get there first and make sure you don't go in with the bio family as a group, then you and your child would be the only ones to share the # stamp so no one else can leave with your child. Just to be safe.

Best of luck