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Sometimes I HATE HATE HATE Biological Mothers....

Posted by on Aug. 19, 2011 at 4:39 PM
  • 70 Replies

 So, I am in a post in another group.  And, its a tragic story about a man who says he did not give consent to an adoption, and is fighting for custody of the child.  This child is now 3 years old and has been in the adoptive family since birth.  At minimum, it was months after the placement that the adoptive family even knew he was contesting.  It may have been longer.  In any case, the consideration period had long since passed.

I feel sorry for everyone involved, of course.  But I was really really hurt to see many of the women replying calling the adoptive parents in the scenario "***holes" for not relinquishing the child to the bio-Dad no questions asked.  Many women said the adoptive parents should hand over the baby because "its the right thing to do."

All this says to me is biomothers seem to think they corner the market on loving a child on sight.  And that somehow turning over an child you have adopted is somehow less than what it would be to give up your own biological child.  I adopted my children 9 years ago....but I would have fought to the death for them if some bio-Dad I never heard of crawled out of the woodwork saying he now wanted to be a parent.  They are MY children, and the pain for those adoptive parents is no less than someone coming and snatching a biological child out of the arms of its mother.

Just had to vent to some people who can hopefully relate.

by on Aug. 19, 2011 at 4:39 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Amy127
by on Aug. 19, 2011 at 4:43 PM
I'm torn on this. I can see both sides. If its your Bio child you would do anything you could to get him. But name calling is definitely not needed. And of course the adoptive family would be hurt and fight to keep the child that was now legally theirs through adoption. Do you know what the outcome was? I wonder if a birth father would even have any rights at that point.
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Twisted.Jester
by on Aug. 19, 2011 at 4:50 PM

 Its still pending.  And I do not dismiss the rights of the bio-Dad nor his feelings.  There are no winners here, not even the child.  But the general consensus was the adoptive parents should be willing and eager to give up the child because, frankly, it isn't "their child."

One mother even said "well, that's the risk you run as an adoptive parent."

What??????

I tried to explain until I was blue in the face that the adoptive parents had the EXACT SAME emotional attachment to the child, if not more, since they were raising it, as the bio-Dad. 

I didn't want them to choose the adoptive parents, I just wanted them to see them as EQUAL to the bio Dad, and they never got there.

Twisted.Jester
by on Aug. 19, 2011 at 5:01 PM

BUMP!

Twisted.Jester
by on Aug. 19, 2011 at 5:01 PM

BUMP!

Twisted.Jester
by on Aug. 19, 2011 at 5:06 PM

BUMP!

Amy127
by on Aug. 19, 2011 at 5:14 PM
I agree with you on that. That is not a risk adoptive parents should have. That is a very realistic risk that FOSTER parents have but When you adopt, you become their forever family.
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AAAMama
by on Aug. 19, 2011 at 5:32 PM
2 moms liked this

Sadly, many people don't really understand adoption and the fact is that adoptive parents are viewed by many as second rate, second choice, and not at all vital to the child's life.  I've also noticed on CM that a large number of birthmoms feel that adoptive moms are the reason adoptions happen and therefore must be hated.  Many DON'T feel that way but there are plenty who do.

What I've done over the years is stop going in groups and reading posts in which those hateful people are posting in.

Twisted.Jester
by on Aug. 19, 2011 at 5:58 PM

 I need to do that.  I quit CM a year or so ago because of an argument I got into with a woman who INSISTED I could never love a child that wasn't mine as much as a bio mom could.

I could not get it through her head that my children ARE mine.  And there are plenty of bio parents who do not love their children at all.

Sigh....

Quoting AAAMama:

Sadly, many people don't really understand adoption and the fact is that adoptive parents are viewed by many as second rate, second choice, and not at all vital to the child's life.  I've also noticed on CM that a large number of birthmoms feel that adoptive moms are the reason adoptions happen and therefore must be hated.  Many DON'T feel that way but there are plenty who do.

What I've done over the years is stop going in groups and reading posts in which those hateful people are posting in.

 

AAAMama
by on Aug. 19, 2011 at 6:10 PM

I don't take it personally - I don't need to defend my bond with and love for my children.  And I DO have one biological child and 5 more... and over the years we've raised plenty of others.  I love my kids.  Period.  Will everyone understand it?  No - and that's ok - they don't have to. 

I don't get into debates and I know who to avoid, for the most part.  Just like in physical, face to face life - I know who I'm going to talk to in a room of familiar faces and who I'm avoiding like the plague.  New people, I approach with openness and caution.

Like with anything in life - there are horrible adoptive parents/families - and there are horrible birth/first/natural parents/families -- and I don't just refer to those whose children were removed. 

Something I've found, especially on online forums - if someone is reading and interacting to learn and grow as a person - they're going to consider and weigh the point of view shared by others.  But there are those who just enter groups and forums to promote or tout their agenda - those people are NOT going to attempt to hear where you're coming from, they're just going to post their nastiness and be hurtful.  THOSE are the ones I avoid. 

Good luck, mama :) You'll find your safe zones - take refuge in them :)

Twisted.Jester
by on Aug. 19, 2011 at 6:13 PM

 So true, and thanks.

Quoting AAAMama:

I don't take it personally - I don't need to defend my bond with and love for my children.  And I DO have one biological child and 5 more... and over the years we've raised plenty of others.  I love my kids.  Period.  Will everyone understand it?  No - and that's ok - they don't have to. 

I don't get into debates and I know who to avoid, for the most part.  Just like in physical, face to face life - I know who I'm going to talk to in a room of familiar faces and who I'm avoiding like the plague.  New people, I approach with openness and caution.

Like with anything in life - there are horrible adoptive parents/families - and there are horrible birth/first/natural parents/families -- and I don't just refer to those whose children were removed. 

Something I've found, especially on online forums - if someone is reading and interacting to learn and grow as a person - they're going to consider and weigh the point of view shared by others.  But there are those who just enter groups and forums to promote or tout their agenda - those people are NOT going to attempt to hear where you're coming from, they're just going to post their nastiness and be hurtful.  THOSE are the ones I avoid. 

Good luck, mama :) You'll find your safe zones - take refuge in them :)

 

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