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Adoptive Moms Adoptive Moms

Perfect parent syndrome anyone???

Posted by on Sep. 12, 2011 at 12:24 PM
  • 8 Replies

I was reading about this in an adoption book and I was wondering if anyone who has adopted has experienced perfect parent syndrome. With a biological child you don't have to market yourself as a perfect parent. With adoption you basically are telling the world you will be a wonderful parent and you tell the birth parent why they should choose you over so many other interested couples. Do any of you feel guilt or sadness when you do something in your parenting that you wish you hadn't because of this reason. Does your parenting match what kind of parent you promised to be?

by on Sep. 12, 2011 at 12:24 PM
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Replies (1-8):
DJAKoala
by on Sep. 12, 2011 at 1:07 PM

I remember when we were going through the process of being "approved". Homestudy, home inspection, referral letters, physicals, back ground checks. I knew we had nothing to hide, but deep down fear that what if we are not "good" enough to be parents. Once placed with our  first child, during monthly SW visits, I tried to keep my house spotless. Do all the "right" things. Always thinking are we good enough.  Even now that we have adopted twice. After I have diciplined the boys, I feel guilty because I think they had been through enough before joining our family. I hate to see them cry.

3gifts.from.god
by on Sep. 12, 2011 at 4:45 PM

I did this, for the first 5 seconds...

I felt like I had to be extra perfect because they were older foster kids, and social services would take them away if I wasn't perfect.  It didn't take long for me to learn that I had NO idea what I was doing, and that the social worker didn't either. I had to learn to just trust my own instincts and not worry about what other people thought of it. Being a good parent has nothing to do with the choices your kids make. A good parent provides guidance and lets their kids learn from the choices they make. Good or bad, no matter how painful it is for the parent  to stand to the side and watch. Sadly, it took me several very difficult years to learn that.

Mweddle
by on Sep. 12, 2011 at 4:48 PM

I mostly just get angry because we have to jump through firey hoops and be the "perfect parent" while all the other people out there can just have a child at will. Every once in awhile I have a gripe fest about it.   But most of the time I just realize that I am a good parent and any homestudy person will see that. There are so many children out there that need us and God will make it happen and that in the long run, jumping through hoops is worth it.

clvahlberg
by on Sep. 12, 2011 at 5:02 PM

I made sure I was honest to S about what kind of person I am and the kind of parent I intended to be. I didn't want her to expect us to be perfect, so I let her know I make mistakes. But, I do the best I can with the knowledge I have at any given time. So when I do make mistakes, I don't need to feel guilty for not being the perfect parent.

meam4444
by on Sep. 15, 2011 at 11:38 AM

 bumpfor more mommas to see

Allison489
by on Sep. 15, 2011 at 4:19 PM

I struggled with the fear that I wouldn't be a good enough parent and agonized over every imperfection at first.  Then I looked around and noticed that no one else was lining up to parent my kids with all of their issues.  People even stopped giving me "helpful" (read "unsolicited") parenting advice after they got to know my kids.  Seems they didn't know how to get a seven-year-old to stop peeing into his brother's dresser drawers either.  We are the perfect parents because we are the only ones who were willing to stick it out with our kids until they started to heal.  And I've given them a great example of how to make mistakes, make amends, then pick up and keep trudging. 

ARgal
by on Sep. 15, 2011 at 11:13 PM

I think every parent feels guilty when they make a mistake.  We all love our kids so much that we feel like want to be the best parents possible.  I suppose adoption can add another dimension to that.  We understand that our childrens' birthmothers have entrusted us with their care and we want to live up to that.


"Any child you take for your own becomes your own if you give of yourself to that child."  -- Dale Evans

harmony7
by on Sep. 16, 2011 at 1:19 PM

We had no chance to be anything other then who we were...we had four bio teens at home when we started the adoption process and they were interviewed several times...lol...no hiding anything! Too afraid the boys would say otherwise!

We told them the good the bad and the ugly. Our bio letters were full of our failures and downfalls. DH was very honest about his past drinking problem from the get go also.We just did not want anything to bite us later. I think because we were such an open book it made the workers very comfortable with us.

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