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Debbie's Adoption Journey

Posted by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 3:14 PM
  • 19 Replies

Let me start by saying Imet my now husband at 19, we have been together 30 years and married 16years.

I have the most supportive, husband ever.My extended family have helped immensly. We have always wanted to have childen. I unfortunately could not carry a child to term.I lost my twins in the 5th month of pregnancy. I felt so depressed, helpless. A year later we tried again but no success. We started the IVF process but I could not tolerate the medicine.I continued to have Gynicological issues. at the ageof 39 I had a total abdominal hysterectomy.  I sure felt like a failure, not whole and certainly could never have a child.

My husband was very supportive, even in my darkest days. I would be so jealous of pregnant women, even those I didn't know. I would go on Vacations with my husband and every where I go is families, happy, having fun. I shut down, didn't want to talk to anyone. I would cry saying I will never be a mom, I just want to be a mom.

by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 3:14 PM
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Replies (1-10):
stacey7710
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 3:21 PM

 I can understand those feeling. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who did feel this way. I'm praying for another baby and I still do get these feelings. Not as much as I used to but I do. I went off last night after reading about Michelle Duggar. Sometime life is unfair. I hope you have more to your story to come though.

DJAKoala
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 3:24 PM

Time past and my husband and I went to therapy to helpus grieve our losses. we did some hard thinking and decided to go the adoption route. I knew I was ready to be a mom.We contacted an Agency that works through DCF, my husband had 2 adopted sisters and his parents used them and had great results. We began our journey in February of 2002. We did the parenting classes, homestudy, background checks, physicals, referals from family, friends, home inspection. We completed all required lisencing and were approved to be a therapeutic adoptive home. So we waited and waited, no calls. About a year passes and we are called about 2 brothers age 5 and 7. They needed intensive therapy,medication. We said yes we can provide the support, love they would need. We were called by our Social Worker about a week later, we were not choosen by the team, they would go to another family. I felt so rejected, failure to be a mom again.  About 3 months pass and we are invited to attend a DCF waiting children seminar. We watched all the vidoes and choose a brother 9 and a sister 11, we met with their Social Worker and submitted our application. Two weeks pass, we get a phone call, we were not choosen by the team, they went to another family. I am now angry, I'm  not perfect enough to be a parent. What does all these other parents have I don't.

DJAKoala
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 3:35 PM

Discouraged, my family, co-workers, friends all support me. They all say, when it is meant to be it will happen, God has a plan for you. When you least expect it, it will happen.

Fast forward it is May 2004, my husband and I took a beautiful peaceful vacation. We went to the Florida Keys. Sitting on a boat together watching the sunset, we reflect on our lives together, how long we have been together and all the positives we have shared. It was a very enjoyable time away. Time to renew and reflect.

We arrive home and back to work as usual. I am on my break and check my cell phone. I have a missed call, with a voice message. It was my Caseworker from the adoption Agency. My heart starts pounding, I'm breathing heavy. I listen to the message. HI Debbie, I have a 2 year old boy, brown hair, brown eyes, healthy, on target. Pleasecall me by 2pm if you get this message. I looked at the clock it was 1:30.I immediately called her. Hi Debbie, are you interested in the boy. I say OH yes, absolutely. But when is the teaming, when will we know if we are choosen. She says you have already been choosen, if you want him her is yours. I started to shake, hold back happy tears. Yes, yes, I would love to have him. A little giggle at the other end, do you want to consult with Mark(my husband) first. I say no, he will acept. So she givesme the phone number of the boys Social Worker,sowe can set up a date to meet him. I call immediately, Pam is here name, she is very nice and helpful. She says when do youthink you and Mark are available to meet him.  Of course I say today! She laughs well it can'tbe today.He is in a foster home and she would have to contact the foster mom with a good day and date.

DJAKoala
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 3:42 PM

It is 1pm on June 9 2004.I am meeting my son for the first time. Thoughts running through my head, what if he doesn't  like me,etc..  Knees shaking I walk into the tiny apartment, this old women opens the door.She is very friendly.The placesmellslike cats and cigarette smoke. Yuck I think to myself. So there is Matthew sitting at the table drinking tea from a bottle and crushing animal crackers,laughing. The SW says Matthew would youlike to meet them. He runs to me, I pick him upgive him a greatbig hug, he hugsme in return, I start to cry and say quietly to myself, Oh Dear God I am a mom. That moment I knew he was meant for us. Just like all my supportive family said, when it is meant to be you will know. I now know what it feels like to be a mom. This incredible love, sense of peace.

DJAKoala
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 4:06 PM

Adopting through foster care and this being a "legal risk" adoption(parental rights not yet terminated)we had to set up 2 suoervised visits first with the SW. We did that on June 11, we went to a park, We brought our Bassett George to meet Matthew. Make sure they get along. They sure did, love and bonding at first site. Matthew would walk him, give him water and I have a picture of him trying to feed him wood chips.  The visit went well.This was the first time he had been to a park, on a swing, on a slide, running free ever in his whole life. He was so happy,laughing, running,playing, hugging. The visit ends, he falls asleep immediatley in his car seat, brought back to foster home. I hated that feeling of letting him go.I wanted him home with me.

We set up another visit on June 13.this time to another park but with a beach. Matthew was so amazed by the water.I have a priceless picture. He got sand on his hands, he didn't know what to do with it, he has never gotten dirty. Daddy shows him to brush it off, he copies, then looks excited at his hands.

Matthew did not have any language skills, he did not have any stimulation, holding, or socializing while with fostermom. He called my husband dada right away, me it was uh, uh. Not sure if he was confused or not know the word mom. Well after the two initail suorevised visits, the SW knew he was going tolive with us. We continued visits and transistions. He moved in with us on July 13, 2004.

DJAKoala
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 4:11 PM

Everything going well.Matthew adjusting well, happy, bonding to me like glue. I bought him a proper bed. He only knew to be restraind in a crib all day.He would get on, get off all by himself. We looked at each other and he smiled, I said yes youcan run, play, you are free to have fun. 

Dec 2 2004 I get a phone call from SW Matthew was leagally free for adoption.Patrental rights had been terminated. I then cried in phone, he is mine, he is really going to be my son forever. I wasso happy.

Our family gaveus awelcome to the family party for Matthew. Cake, presents, balloons, lots of happy times.

 

DJAKoala
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 4:21 PM

It is May 2 2005, one month shy of Matthews 3rd birthday. It is ADOPTION DAY! 

My in-laws, are there to share our day. the mood is happy, the day is sunny, the Rhodadendria is in full bloom.

Everything goes as planned. I am happy, proud, and I have this beautiful feeling inside,I must be a mom.

Matthew hugs me and says mommy. This was meant to be.

I later put together a scrapbook for Matthew all about his journey. I have a saying in there

I didn't give you the gift of life, life gave me the gift of you.

Matthew is now 9 and doing well, he is kind,loving, helping, always trying to please. He also makes an awesome cup of coffee.

To be continued.... adoption story #2

DJAKoala
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 4:37 PM


Quoting stacey7710:

 I can understand those feeling. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who did feel this way. I'm praying for another baby and I still do get these feelings. Not as much as I used to but I do. I went off last night after reading about Michelle Duggar. Sometime life is unfair. I hope you have more to your story to come though.

I'm glad I'm not alone. Us adoptive moms really can relate. I'm so happy I found this group.

Occationally I feel sad or jealous when I am talking with my sons friends moms, they share birth(hosp) stories, that I can not respond to.

My opinion about Michele Duggar is she is selfish and how can she possibly give each child equal attention. I feel kind of angry.

DJAKoala
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 5:34 PM

Time passes and we are a happy family.I am enjoying my son watching him grow and progress every day. My husband approached me, would you like to adopt again? I think Matthew would like a brother. We talk with him at length, make sure he understands what we want to do.Matthew is happy and willing. Learning along the way, he understands what we went through to get him.   Since it was more than two years since Matthews adoption we had to repeat all the same paperwork, process, classes, licensing again. We were looking for boy age 2-6. it was taking a long time. It was nearly two years before we heard anything.I was getting discouraged, old feelings again, I am not good enough to be a mom, what was I doing wrong. I'm about to give up, cancel the whole thing. I was an older mom than most, maybe it wasn't meant to be.

I get a call February 2010, My same SW we used for Matthew, Hi Deb I have a 3 year old boy in a foster home who needs an adoptive family, are you still interested? I said well yes, tell me more about him. He is Blonde hair, blue eyes, developmentally on target, relatively healthy(Asthma)well mannered, good language skills.

I called Mark right away, we have another son. We set up a meeting with the SW to go over his case. We see a picture and talk about his birthmom. We agree with the terms of his placement.

February 19, 2010 we meet him for the first time, bringing Matthew along. It is a nice Condo with a well to do older women, you could clearly see he was well taken care of. The boys hit it off right away.Playing like they knew each other for years. We talked, hugged, asked lots of questions. The little boys name is Clayton, he is absolutely adorable. He was so funny, happy, smart. I started to feel this was meant to be. We started the transition process. This time he got to have sleep overs, I really loved this role of mom to boys. I was active and happy.  The boys really started to bond. Although all the preschool toys I put away, and brought out again, Matthew wanted toplay with them. Matthew kind of regressed a little to a younger age. This was expected and I knew their would be jealousy.

DJAKoala
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 5:39 PM

It is March 1 2010 and Clayton moves in forever. The boys are sharing a room and seem to like it. When Clayton is older we plan to  move him to his own room.  The boys act like any brothers would, fighting, jealous, love, share.

We go to court hearing for TPR, it is granted June 6, 2010. Everything is going well, Clayton is bonding and calling me momma.  He is such a joy.

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