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Adoptive Moms Adoptive Moms

What kind of contact do you have with birth family?

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We are starting to move into the adoption process with our FS, and as part of that, are beginning to give more serious consideration to what kind of ongoing contact we might have with his birth family. I've gotten lots of great advice from so many places on CM, though things aren't settled for us yet. In the meantime, I was just curious...

What kind of contact (if any) do you and your children have with their birth family? Also, if you don't mind, what kind of adoption was this (private, foster care, international, intra-family)?

by on Jan. 9, 2012 at 1:51 PM
Replies (21-28):
SarahSuzyQ
by Sarah on Apr. 10, 2012 at 8:39 PM
1 mom liked this

I hope you will feel comfortable being honest with the birth parents about this expectation on your part. Sometimes I think there can be pressure to pretend that you are more comfortable with openness than you actually are... But being led into an agreement with which you do not feel comfortable is only hurtful for everyone involved.

Additionally, while you do not want any contact with birth family, your child may not feel the same way as he or she ages... So it's definitely something to be aware of, that your child's needs may be different than yours. I have heard both sides from adult adoptees IRL (both in favor of and against open adoption), so I do think that the best thing we can do as adoptive parents is not to make too many decisions on behalf of our child without flexibility for their input.

GL! There are definitely some aspects unique to adoptive parenting that can be very challenging. Hope you don't mind me sharing my thoughts on the subject.

Quoting mrsminter:

This is so selfish of me, but I hope to have little to no contact with our kid's birth parents. Adoption is the only option for us to have kids and I don't want to have to share them. 


SarahSuzyQ
by Sarah on Apr. 10, 2012 at 8:41 PM

Your son is ~12, right? How does he deal with visits? Does he ask about them? Enjoy them? How does he seem to respond?

Just curious. Our son will be 4 when we finalize, after ~2 yrs of fostering through visits, failed RU, etc. I know every kid is different, but I also know that some aspects of our situations are similar... So I really like hearing from folks who have that perspective, if you don't mind sharing! :)

Quoting Javamom00:

State Dcyf adoption, open. Matter fact one this Sunday. Will be harder as he gets older. However he is black I am white. He needs to know his roots. This way he can get answers as they arrive. Bm n I have a great relationship!


Isaacsmom913
by on Apr. 10, 2012 at 10:49 PM
1 mom liked this

I for one very much appreciate your honesty in this regard!  I think to many people expect adoptive parents to be all warm and fuzzy and WANT to have an open and ongoing relationship with the birth parents.  Still, I have to say be open to the idea that your child(ren) will someday want to know of, if not get to know their birth parents.  While this prospect terrifies me I know that it is my job as MOM to facilitate the request.  I try to remember it in this way--its biology that makes someone a mother or a father but its LOVE and nurturing that makes someone a Mom or a Dad.

PM me if you ever wish to chat w/out judgement about these feelings!

Quoting mrsminter:

This is so selfish of me, but I hope to have little to no contact with our kid's birth parents. Adoption is the only option for us to have kids and I don't want to have to share them. 


tammie679
by on Apr. 11, 2012 at 9:51 AM

We adopted 2 children out of foster care. two very different senerios. Our daughter will have NO contact with her birth or foster families (both abused her) until she turns 18 and can understand what they did to her. Our son's birth mom was just 18 and not ready for a child. She wrote him a letter of how she loves him but knows this is best for him. So when he turns 18 he can make the choice. (birth dad was in a gang so not sure yet about that.) I have found Son's parents on fb but only "stalked" them NOT friended them.

was friends on fb for a while of daughters foster dad but then deleted him. (like I said they lost her for a reason. 3 days before adopting.)

I think it depends on kind of adoption, state you live in and being that you are fostering and age of child.

Just my opinion.

twin girlsboy n girl 

Javamom00
by on Apr. 11, 2012 at 2:16 PM
Yes he will be 12 next month. He looks forward to the visits n seeing his sisters. He sees for himself though how her way of life is so different from ours, her personality do different. Yet, he learns bits of his culture n background. I let him talk on the phone if she makes an unexpected call. She is not a angry or discourteous Bm. He does get "upset" after. However I have told him a little white lie that get n I have agreed on....
"she was familiar with who I was when she had him, and as he got alittle older-2-, she realized she could not provide for him as a mother should so she asked me to raise him n give him the life he deserves". Makes Her a good person in his eyes, n won't hate me for "taking him away". She has 3 daughters after him that she has custody of. You can ask me anything more than happy to help u.


Quoting SarahSuzyQ:

Your son is ~12, right? How does he deal with visits? Does he ask about them? Enjoy them? How does he seem to respond?

Just curious. Our son will be 4 when we finalize, after ~2 yrs of fostering through visits, failed RU, etc. I know every kid is different, but I also know that some aspects of our situations are similar... So I really like hearing from folks who have that perspective, if you don't mind sharing! :)


Quoting Javamom00:

State Dcyf adoption, open. Matter fact one this Sunday. Will be harder as he gets older. However he is black I am white. He needs to know his roots. This way he can get answers as they arrive. Bm n I have a great relationship!



Posted on CafeMom Mobile
tmmom2
by on Apr. 12, 2012 at 3:49 PM

 Our adoption was through foster care and we do visits with her half sister a couple of times a month (take them to the park or a childrens museum or mcdonalds to play). That is about the only contact. I do allow the half sisters father to send the bm pictures, but thats it.  Ours was a very hard case though, they fought us all the way on the adoption.

seaniesmommie87
by on Apr. 12, 2012 at 11:28 PM

Our situation is very different from all of yours. BM is a friend of ours. She went into premature labor due to a very bad temper and caused our baby to have brain issues. She signed over her rights when the baby was still in the hospital and had no contact with her until she came home. She had no idea that she had had any type of issue until we told her. At this point, I feel as though our adoption is closed. There is no type of paperwork that states either or. It may be a selfish act on my part but I feel at this moment this is the best for our child.

iuangina
by Member on Apr. 13, 2012 at 8:13 AM

I would classify our relationship as somewhere between semi-open and open (DIA).  We see bmom about every 2-3 months, but she does not know where we live.  I am aware of where she lives because I drove her to the hospital on the day of DS birth.  We also do letters and pictures every so often and we frequently text.  

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