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Regrets

Posted by on Mar. 4, 2012 at 9:05 AM
  • 28 Replies

Do you have any thus far in your adoption journey? 

My only regret is that we have no information for our daughter, although it is normal with a Chinese adoption. My baby girl told us yesterday in the car that she wishes we were all Chinese because she doesn't like being "different". Oh, it broke my heart... Her Daddy began asking her questions and told her that as she gets older she will realize that what makes us different is what makes us special. He told her that if we were all the same, life would be very boring. I think she feels better about it, but it is so hard to know she is experiencing loss- even at 6 years old and having been home for 5 years. I'm so glad that she is comfortable enough in our family to speak her mind and tell us how she feels. 

Claire

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" I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Phillipians 4:13

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by on Mar. 4, 2012 at 9:05 AM
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Replies (1-10):
jen1130
by on Mar. 4, 2012 at 9:19 AM
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I have no regrets...our adoptions are from the state so we do have info. One of my AD's is Cambodian. When she was 5 she started saying she wanted hair like the rest of the family. I was sad and told her all the time how beautiful her hair was. One day my 15 year old son with dark blond hair came out of his room with BLACK hair and a huge smile and said sissy I am like you now. Her and I were in shock at the Chang but she loved it!
He had BLACK hair for about 1 yr until she asked him to make it normal. Because when the roots grew out he looked like he had bald spots.lol
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SarahSuzyQ
by on Mar. 4, 2012 at 3:17 PM

The only regret I have is that I feel like I shared too much information about my son's case with our family, particularly early on in the process. I was still very new to the foster care scene, and I don't think I did a great job of protecting my son's privacy. Now that he is going to be a permanent member of our family, I am not able to take that information back, and I do really regret that.

Malley
by on Mar. 4, 2012 at 4:13 PM
1 mom liked this

 I don't regret adopting the boys, but I regret that my dd was unable to raise them herself. And sometimes I feel a little sorry for myself that I'm no longer a grandma.

cnoelc
by on Mar. 4, 2012 at 7:18 PM


Quoting SarahSuzyQ:

The only regret I have is that I feel like I shared too much information about my son's case with our family, particularly early on in the process. I was still very new to the foster care scene, and I don't think I did a great job of protecting my son's privacy. Now that he is going to be a permanent member of our family, I am not able to take that information back, and I do really regret that.

I have the same regret for our daughter.  I worry about ugly details making it back to her too soon as she grows up.  She was our first placement and we hadn't really prepared one side of the family for what we were doing.  We had all of six days from the time we were licensed to the time we were called with our daugther- with less than half an hour between the time we were called and when we had her in our car to take her home.  As family asked questions, I answered.  Now I wish I had protected her more.  We had assumed we'd foster for a couple of years maybe, and eventually end up adopting as the opportunity arose.  

I also regret maybe being too friendly with bio family early on.  That may sound strange.  But, I wish we had kept it more formal.  I wanted them to like us so much, and had taken to heart the stress that was put on maintaining a relationship with bio family by the county.  Friendly is fine.  I was too worried about being friends, though, and putting the brakes on later and having to enforce boundaries later was extremely uncomfortable.   I have a good friend who has expressed this same regret with her adoption, also a foster-adopt.

"Every child should spend a substantial amount of time with somebody who's crazy about them.  There has to be at least one person who has an irrational involvement with that child; someone who thinks that kid is more important than other people's kids, someone who's in love with them and whom they love in return."

Joe J. Christensen

Isaacsmom913
by on Mar. 4, 2012 at 8:27 PM

My only regret is that our BM didn't have more information on how an adoption works, and that she refused all but the basic councel from the hospital social worker a few hours after the birth. 

adoptiongoddess
by on Mar. 5, 2012 at 3:42 PM

Great question!  Hmmm...I guess I wish my four kids hadn't had such a rocky start to life. I wish I could give what they've lost back to them.  Of course, I can't.  Andif I go down that road of regret then...we would not be a family.  And I have never experienced anything more "right" in my life.  How could that be wrong? So.  No.  No regrets. I guess I'll take it all, the pain and the joy.  Elizabeth http://www.adoptiongoddess.com, 

arthistmom
by on Mar. 5, 2012 at 3:52 PM
Only that we should have adopted sooner. But if we did, we wouldn't have our boys. So I guess things were meant this way.
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lilylucy7
by on Mar. 5, 2012 at 4:27 PM

Like others I wish I had told less people less info. Instead of answering questions with more info than needed I wish i had simply smiled. We live in a small town and sometimes i feel like I did not protect her the way i should have it makes me feel so guilty. I also wish I had put much more distance between myself and her Bio mother. I was much more a part of her life than looking back I needed to be. I wanted her to like me so I allowed myself to get much more personal than it needed to be. Live and learn!

SarahSuzyQ
by on Mar. 5, 2012 at 10:10 PM

Elizabeth, I really hear you on this. Especially when I look at all that my son has already overcome, and all that he still remains, before he is functioning with same-age peers... I sometimes get discouraged and overwhelmed, especially when he spends time with the same-age kids of my friends. I can't help but think how differently those relationships would work if he had been parented by us or by any functioning adults from day one. It's very hard, and so incredibly unfair to our kids!

This is something that I have just had to truly let go... Along with any need to compare my son's progress to the kids around him, or the need to explain/defend why things are the way they are. This is just what his life has been, and we have moved past that and are now moving forward, TOGETHER. I hear you, too, in saying that there is nothing more "right" than my family in this moment in time, even if the journey that has led to this place was very painful.

Quoting adoptiongoddess:

Great question!  Hmmm...I guess I wish my four kids hadn't had such a rocky start to life. I wish I could give what they've lost back to them.  Of course, I can't.  Andif I go down that road of regret then...we would not be a family.  And I have never experienced anything more "right" in my life.  How could that be wrong? So.  No.  No regrets. I guess I'll take it all, the pain and the joy.  Elizabeth http://www.adoptiongoddess.com, 


Opie99
by on Mar. 6, 2012 at 12:42 AM

I wish we had them sign over custody BEFORE he was born. 

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