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Adoptive Moms Adoptive Moms

Bio Siblings?

Posted by on Mar. 7, 2012 at 8:26 PM
  • 33 Replies

Just wondering, for those who have adopted, does your child have any biological siblings? Do you have (or plan to have) any kind of sibling contact?

This is a subject that has been on my mind quite a bit lately, as our 4yo does have a younger half-sister whom he met during some of his foster care bio visits. Because our adoption has still not been finalized, we currently do not have a plan in place for future contact with any of his birth family... But obviously this is something that is on our minds, as we consider what scenarios will be healthy and/or helpful for our son.

by on Mar. 7, 2012 at 8:26 PM
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Replies (1-10):
MKBoyle
by on Mar. 7, 2012 at 9:24 PM

We adopted siblings, and they also have siblings with other families. One family is very open with us and we have a great relationship. The kids see each other about once or twice a year, and it's been really good for my son, especially, too connect with his bio brother--even though they were all adopted at birth. The other family promised to keep in touch but hasn't, and we don't push it. We don't talk about that sibling, because that's upsetting to my son (can you tell he really feels the sibling bond--good thing he's with at least one bio sibling!); one day we hope they'll be open to communication.

raleyfamily
by Carla on Mar. 7, 2012 at 9:35 PM

We see siblings with both our adoptions.  Only recently with Luke's, but all along for Angel-Leah and Tommy.  It's been a great blessing for ALL of us!

Carla Raley, wife of Bill, mom of 12, foster mom of more than 50
Visit my blogs for stories of the life of an older mom raising a large family, foster/adoption and homeschooling
http://raleyfamilysfarm.blogspot.com/

http://bookreviewsbycarla.blogspot.com/



SarahSuzyQ
by Sarah on Mar. 7, 2012 at 9:43 PM

Carla, who has custody of Angel-Leah and Luke's siblings? You may or may not remember, but part of making a plan about future sibling contact for us hinges on who eventually ends up with custody of Baby Sister...

I really respect the way that you have made open adoption work so well for the sake of your kids. It is both inspiring and encouraging to me, and I appreciate all the advice you have been willing to give me throughout this process. :)

Quoting raleyfamily:

We see siblings with both are adoptions.  Only recently with Luke's, but all along for Angel-Leah and Tommy.  It's been a great blessing for ALL of us!


SarahSuzyQ
by Sarah on Mar. 7, 2012 at 9:46 PM

I'm so glad that you are able to maintain a healthy, open relationship with at least some of your kids' siblings. Hopefully the situation with the other family will change over time, as they might recognize the need for contact for the sake of all the kids.

Were these all private adoptions? How did you have the opportunity to meet/contact the other adoptive families, if you don't mind my asking?

Quoting MKBoyle:

We adopted siblings, and they also have siblings with other families. One family is very open with us and we have a great relationship. The kids see each other about once or twice a year, and it's been really good for my son, especially, too connect with his bio brother--even though they were all adopted at birth. The other family promised to keep in touch but hasn't, and we don't push it. We don't talk about that sibling, because that's upsetting to my son (can you tell he really feels the sibling bond--good thing he's with at least one bio sibling!); one day we hope they'll be open to communication.


MKBoyle
by on Mar. 7, 2012 at 10:12 PM

They were all private adoptions. Birthmom actually brought us together w/ the older brother; she asked to see all three kids together when our daughter was born. The younger sister we kind of found out about by accident and ended up fighting for custody (DCFS never searched for a sibling placement like the state law required); we didn't win, but we were able to meet her and her family. I can forgive them for not wanting contact w/ us, but I can't forgive them for promising my son he could visit her whenever he wanted ... and then breaking that promise.  We at least have some info to pass to our kids if/when they want to search for her in the future.

Quoting SarahSuzyQ:

I'm so glad that you are able to maintain a healthy, open relationship with at least some of your kids' siblings. Hopefully the situation with the other family will change over time, as they might recognize the need for contact for the sake of all the kids.

Were these all private adoptions? How did you have the opportunity to meet/contact the other adoptive families, if you don't mind my asking?

Quoting MKBoyle:

We adopted siblings, and they also have siblings with other families. One family is very open with us and we have a great relationship. The kids see each other about once or twice a year, and it's been really good for my son, especially, too connect with his bio brother--even though they were all adopted at birth. The other family promised to keep in touch but hasn't, and we don't push it. We don't talk about that sibling, because that's upsetting to my son (can you tell he really feels the sibling bond--good thing he's with at least one bio sibling!); one day we hope they'll be open to communication.



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raleyfamily
by Carla on Mar. 7, 2012 at 10:27 PM


Quoting SarahSuzyQ:

Carla, who has custody of Angel-Leah and Luke's siblings? You may or may not remember, but part of making a plan about future sibling contact for us hinges on who eventually ends up with custody of Baby Sister...

I really respect the way that you have made open adoption work so well for the sake of your kids. It is both inspiring and encouraging to me, and I appreciate all the advice you have been willing to give me throughout this process. :)


Angel-Leah and Tommy have two grown brothers.  One is very handicapped and we haven't gotten to meet him yet.  I keep asking, but it hasn't been arranged.  The other one is 22, and we've seen him many times.  He's been to our house.  He grew up with his mother.  They have the father in common.  The father, my children's birth dad, according to the big brother, never did anything but come over and demand money from his mother and beat her up.  He has thanked me for adopting his siblings, and says when they are grown, he's going to tell them what I rescued them from.  :o)  He works so hard, and always looks so tired.  I wish I could adopt him, too!  :o)  He looks JUST LIKE Angel-Leah and Tommy.

The birth dad has a new baby coming in a few months with his new girlfriend.  She is also a former druggie, and has been in prison for hurting a child.  I worry about the baby.

Luke has eight siblings.  Three have aged out of foster care.  I write emails to the oldest brother, and we promise to meet someday, but so far, it hasn't  happened.  He's in the army.  The next sibling lives in another state with the birth grandfather.  The next one is the 15 year old girl we tried to adopt recently, but were turned down for being "too religious".  Then a brother who is in foster care who we cannot take, it wouldn't be safe.  The next one is very handicapped and was adopted by his foster family before I met the children.  Then is Luke, and since we adopted him, biomom has had another child who is five, and we also tried to adopt her, but since they turned us down for the older sister, we couldn't have her, either.  These two are living in a foster adopt family, and we see them pretty often.  Even though we weren't allowed to adopt them because we are "too religious", we are greatly encouraged to do respite, or just have the girls over "whenever we want" we are told.

Lots of siblings,  huh???

Carla Raley, wife of Bill, mom of 10, foster mom of more than 50
Visit my blogs for stories of the life of an older mom raising a large family, foster/adoption and homeschooling
http://raleyfamilysfarm.blogspot.com/

http://bookreviewsbycarla.blogspot.com/



Malley
by on Mar. 7, 2012 at 10:28 PM
My twins have a bio sister and brother. The grandma was raising the girl and the only info we had was her age and area of the state. A few years later I saw a girl in paper-they used to feature an available child each week-who looked exactly like my dd. I called the CW to see if it could be her sister but it wasn't. My dd has always wanted to find her.

Their bio brother is a few years older and was adopted by a family in our neighborhood. That was the reason we got the twins, I think. The SW didn't feel the amom could emotionally handle two more kids, but wanted the children to know each other. Our families became good friends and we got together alot, sometimes every day. Then the couple had a very ugly divorce and she moved away with her son and we never heard from them again. I do have pictures of the kids together.
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Isaacsmom913
by on Mar. 8, 2012 at 6:29 AM
1 mom liked this

My son has a 2 year old sister whom the birth parents are raising. 

At this point I think both are to young only being 5 months and 2 years old for that contact given that BM has chosen no contact-but when my little guy starts asking questions I will send a letter to the last known address and ask if its possible for the children to meet.  If that fails when he is 18 and she 20 then we will make a bigger effort to locate and possibly meet his sister. 

mamagoose831
by on Mar. 8, 2012 at 8:11 AM
Our oldest 3 are a sibling group and have no other bio siblings that we know of. But we are very close with birth moms family. (Grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins)
We vacation with them every year. The grandparents are only 15 minutes away so we see them quite often. They come for ALL my kids birthdays and consider all my kids their grandkids. They say they adopted us as much as we adopted their grandkids. All my kids call them grandma and grandpa, count the bio cousins as their own and the same with the aunts and uncles. We couldn't have asked for a more ideal adoption situation. The kids have had a little bit of contact with the bio mom at their choosing. (Graduations, wedding etc.) but with each visit they are realizing they don't really want a relationship with her.
My next adoption we had no plans for him to have contact, but I ran into his bi-aunt at the pharmacy where she worked,(had no clue he had an aunt). She recognized his name and asked his birthday (like they usually do) and was looking at me really funny. I told her his birthday and she teared up and said he's my nephew. I was shocked!! We both stepped aside so we could talk and we were crying and hugging. I brought back some pictures for her while I was waiting for his prescription to be filled. A week or so later I was picking up a new prescription in the drive thru and saw her there. I happened to have Nate with me and asked if she would like to meet him. She said YES!! So we brought him in. It was awesome. She has a little boy about 3 that he still needs to meet. But the aunt and I are facebook friends.
Then about 6 months ago I was shopping in the grocery store when I came face to face with the bio mom!!! She had her 3 kids with her and we recognized each other right away! We hugged and cried. We are now fb friends. (She was inly 12 when she gave birth to my son, she h
as since married and had the 3 sibs and seems to be doing very well. At sometime in the future we plan on them meeting.)
My last 3 adoption are a sibling group as well and not nearly as lucky as the others. Their bio mom has 8 bio kids that she does not have custody of. She is nowhere near capable of having any kind of relationship with my kids and the one sibling that they could have contact with comes with bio grandma that does not respect the boundaries (tried it for quite a while and was not working) kept pushing bio mom onto us and even met with bio mom a couple times and both were upsetting and nightmarish! So we had to cut off contact and that unfortunately included bio sister.
They have older twin brothers that were adopted at birth and younger twin sisters who we wanted to adopt but we were turned down and were adopted at birth by an unknown family.
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raleyfamily
by Carla on Mar. 8, 2012 at 8:25 AM

I will add here that being in an open adoption isn't ALL butterflies and roses.  One time, at the beginning, I had met Angel-Leah's grandmother, aunts and cousins at the park.  As we were getting ready to leave, the birth grandmother was helping Angel-Leah tie her shoes.  Suddenly, the cousin blurted out: "Why don't you live with S**** anymore?  Don't you love her anymore?"  Angel-Leah just sputtered, then said, "Of COURSE I love S****!"  All of us were horrified, and I quickly stepped in and told the little cousin that it wasn't Angel-Leah's fault that she couldn't live with S****, that S****was sick and couldn't take good care of Angel-Leah or keep her safe, so she came to live with me so she could be safe.  Later, I gave the mother of this little girl a child's book that explained why some children couldn't live with their birth parents.  The name of the book was "Sometimes Families Change" (I think...)

Then, more recently, when we were trying to adopt Luke's sisters, we had some trouble with the little one.  She is five years old, and she is a mean child.  She has been through a lot, and was the only child by birthmom and her boyfriend together that they still had custody of.  The older sister said they doted on her and never said no to her, to the expense of the children who were not boyfriends children. (I am so, so grateful Luke never lived in that family)  She would only be nice to Luke in the beginning, the brother she was never told about until her mother lost custody of her and we began the adoption process.  She would sit on the couch with Luke and whisper to him "We are special only to each other.  You are my real brother.  Only we are special to each other."  Another time, they were outside playing, and she grabbed his hand and said, "Come on.  Let's leave them." Meaning Tommy and Angel-Leah.  She said, "Let's pretend we are running away and going to find I**(birthmom)".  I was really upset when I heard that story.  I told Luke that night as they told it to me at bedtime:  "I** cannot take care of her children and keep them safe.  All of her children have had to find other homes, no one lives with her anymore.  When you were born, she could not take care of you.  So I picked you up and brought you to my house, where you are safe, and you have been my little boy ever since."  He reached out his arms and grabbed me, and we hugged each other.

I just want to say that so that no one will have the idea that it's been all good.  It takes work, understanding and explaining.  But these are little things, and I think overall, having this very open adoption with the family of Angel-Leah and Tommy, and reaching out to the siblings of Luke, will be good.

Carla Raley, wife of Bill, mom of 10, foster mom of more than 50
Visit my blogs for stories of the life of an older mom raising a large family, foster/adoption and homeschooling
http://raleyfamilysfarm.blogspot.com/

http://bookreviewsbycarla.blogspot.com/



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