Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Adoptive Moms Adoptive Moms

Vent a little...

Posted by on Apr. 20, 2012 at 8:17 AM
  • 29 Replies

Yesterday was our first adoption class. It was pretty informative but it kind of felt like they were pushing us to have a completely open adoption and we do not want that. When we get home my husband had a facebook message from bm saying that if I am not happy with our daughters medical issues we can give her back and that I am completely ungreatful. Our birthparents want to see her every chance they can get. We feel as though right now is a crucial time for us to bond with our child and I am a new mom.(she is my first child, dh has 3 boys from a previous marriage) I don't know what to do anymore and I am tired of all of the empty threats.(neither of the bp have any parental rights, they surrendered them voluntarily) I am going to talk to our lawyer about what can be done in the situation, because I have enough stress going through and adoption, raising 4 kids, we are in the process of buying a house and we both work all of the time. What would be your suggestions for this situation? Has anyone experienced anything like this?

by on Apr. 20, 2012 at 8:17 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
mcginnisc
by Claire on Apr. 20, 2012 at 8:30 AM
1 mom liked this

Please don't think I'm "picking" at you, but is there a reason you don't want an open adoption? Was there abuse involved? Is this a FC adoption or domestic infant? How old was your dd when she was relinquished? 

I ask this because open adoption is the best option for the adoptee. It is not about the parents at all. Put yourself in their shoes- if you had a child and relinquished that child, would you want to see that child as much as you could? My bet is you would. 

There does have to be a boundary though. Open adoption is not co-praenting. It is best for adoptee to feel secure with the adoptive parents, however it is vital for that child to know his/her genetic roots as well. 

It sounds like your dd's first parents are still grieving heavily for their loss. 

I guess I have a different perspective as I've been an adoptive parent for 5 years and our dd's adoption is closed completely. There is NOTHING worse than seeing the pain in your child's eyes because they have no information and no contact with their first family. It is so very difficult to walk the closed adoption route. If I could give my dd anything she wanted- contact with her first family would top the list as #1. She is adopted Internationally so it will never happen though. 

Maybe some of the other ladies will have more advice for you. 

Claire

Moderator: Healthy Weight Loss & Adoptive Moms

" I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Phillipians 4:13

Join theAdoptive Moms group

feralkitten
by on Apr. 20, 2012 at 8:47 AM

i'm sorry sounds like your bm wants her cake and to eat it

i'm not shore what medical problems your child had that bm is talking about .

i go to a lawyer and ask to draft up something for bm setting out what your willing to give her

eg

1. we agree to keep bm up to date via email about medical problems that we feel are relevant

2. we agree to send photo to bm and updates on how xxxx is doing

3. we agree to 3 visits a year with one of us present at all times ( if you want vists and put the number you like )

4. we will allow birth families to send gift on occasion such as birthday and xmas , these will be checked 1st if gifts , card or anything eales sent is unsuitable or have something unsuitable written on them  they will not be giving to xxxx

5, birth family will be allowed to send xxx emails that will be checked . if emails are not ok they will be keeps till xxx is an adult , if there ok they will be read to her

Isaacsmom913
by on Apr. 20, 2012 at 8:53 AM
3 moms liked this
You have EVERY RIGHT to not want or to be required to have an open adoption. I know that is unpopular, but I don't want nor do I have one!

In our state if no written agreement was entered into prior to finalization then the birth parents have zero right to contact UNLESS the adoptive parents wish it. If this is the case in your state I suggest blocking her from facebook and any other social media as well. Write her.a letter explaining that you are grateful for your daughter BUT you feel XYZ is in her best interest. Be honest with the amount of future contact you are comfortable with-if any and then move on.

Do not let anyone. Are you feel inferior or ungrateful because you wish to parent without birth parent involvement.

Hugs!
SarahSuzyQ
by Sarah on Apr. 20, 2012 at 9:11 AM
I tend to agree with Claire in this instance... Any decision made should primarily focus on what is best for your child, not on what makes us as aparents comfortable.

That said, perhaps you have some safety concerns around open adoption for your daughter. I don't really know or remember your situation, I'm sorry.

One thing I think about ALL THE TIME is how I would explain my actions and decisions to my son when he grows up. I believe that I will have to answer to him as to how I treated his birth parents, why I allowed or didn't allow contact, etc.

It's not about feeling inferior or ungrateful, it's not really about making you feel any way at all. It's about the reality that every adoptee has another family, and we cannot erase that. It is part of who they are, and it very well may matter to them. Certainly it matters how we treat the birth family, because they are a part of our child. If limits or boundaries need to be set for the sake of your child, don't apologize for that. Be the parents your child needs you to be. But if you simply don't want to "share", I'd just encourage you to check your heart and motivation, and perhaps read more about why open adoption is so encouraged these days.

Regardless of what you decide, make sure it's something you can live with and adapt as needed for the sake of your daughter. Then communicate clearly with the BPs, as it sounds like you have different expectations... It's only fair that you're straightforward and honest with them; they have entrusted you to parent the child that was born to them.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Isaacsmom913
by on Apr. 20, 2012 at 9:18 AM
Absolutely all adopted children have an original family-no doubt. However the BS that they have to be involved with that family is just that-bs. I will be able to explain to my son why I wanted a closed adoption and will then allow him to decide how to proceed. His psyche will not be damaged because he didn't know the woman who Dave birth to him.

It's politically correct to have the puffy loud every day is a picnic involvement but there are still some very old school opinions on adoption and those need to be given credibility too.


Quoting SarahSuzyQ:

I tend to agree with Claire in this instance... Any decision made should primarily focus on what is best for your child, not on what makes us as aparents comfortable. That said, perhaps you have some safety concerns around open adoption for your daughter. I don't really know or remember your situation, I'm sorry. One thing I think about ALL THE TIME is how I would explain my actions and decisions to my son when he grows up. I believe that I will have to answer to him as to how I treated his birth parents, why I allowed or didn't allow contact, etc. It's not about feeling inferior or ungrateful, it's not really about making you feel any way at all. It's about the reality that every adoptee has another family, and we cannot erase that. It is part of who they are, and it very well may matter to them. Certainly it matters how we treat the birth family, because they are a part of our child. If limits or boundaries need to be set for the sake of your child, don't apologize for that. Be the parents your child needs you to be. But if you simply don't want to "share", I'd just encourage you to check your heart and motivation, and perhaps read more about why open adoption is so encouraged these days.

Regardless of what you decide, make sure it's something you can live with and adapt as needed for the sake of your daughter. Then communicate clearly with the BPs, as it sounds like you have different expectations... It's only fair that you're straightforward and honest with them; they have entrusted you to raise their child.

SarahSuzyQ
by Sarah on Apr. 20, 2012 at 9:24 AM
I wanted to add... I know it's not easy. I have really struggled with trying to grasp what is in my son's best interest. DH and I don't always agree. And we still don't have a formal agreement because BM won't be available to make one until June.

None of us know the future, and nobody in this group really knows the truth of your family's situation. I really believe that if we are honest with ourselves and make the best decision we know how for our kids, that's all anyone can ask. You love your daughter; you want what's best for her. I hope that you can determine what that is, and what that means for you as Mom.

I think you'll get a lot of feedback to sift through with this. I hope you're able to learn more about adoptive parenting from this conversation. I'm sure I will. And I hope that you find information that will help your daughter.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
seaniesmommie87
by on Apr. 20, 2012 at 10:08 AM

Her medical issues are she had bleeding in her brain and excess fluid around it when she was born bc bm dropped a tv on her stomach when she was 7 months pregnant. Although the bleeding has stopped and the fluid is gone she still is showing signs of damage to her brain. She relinquished her rights when Avery was 11 days old. We have taken care of everything with the hospital and our lawyer. I don't want to make it sound like I am being selfish but I feel it is in Avery's best interest to not see her bp at this time. I want her to be able to make that choice and not be forced to do so. She will know as soon as she understands that she was adopted and I don't want to push things on her. It is very unclear at this point if she will suffer with issues for the rest of her life or if she will be completely normal. Either way my husband and I love her and want whats best for her.

Malley
by on Apr. 20, 2012 at 10:30 AM
1 mom liked this
I think having an open adoption SOUNDS much better than it actually IS. No papers were filed when I adopted so there is no valid postadoption agreement. I tried to let my dd see the boys which just led to problems. I'm on the way to take my boys to the doctor, but I have more to say. I know it's not the popular belief, but open is not in the best interest of the children, at least not my children.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
feralkitten
by on Apr. 20, 2012 at 10:49 AM

i have to say I'm a stop mum and I'm going for a semi open adoption and well what can i say its hell dealing with bm and I'm only allowing emails . and i'm not shore my skids getting emails are befitting them at all

and i also do some contact with bio family (not bm )

seaniesmommie87
by on Apr. 20, 2012 at 11:08 AM

Avery has contact with her bio mom's mom.

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)