We have an open adoption with my son's birthfamily. He is currently 21 months old. We set out some minimum guidelines prior to the adoption regarding frequency of letters, photos, phone calls and visits. She wanted visits every 2 months for the first year and at least 2 visits per year after. Even though we live 3.5 hours away, we agreed to the arrangement. It has worked out well for us. We send photos and letters on a flexible schedule, but I try to send pics around the holidays (Thanksgiving/Christmas, Easter/Mother's Day, Birthday, Halloween). I also post pics to Facebook and send some via text message when she has minutes on her phone. We include my son's older siblings, as well as grandmother, aunts, and cousins whenever we can. It's really important to us that we maintain that connection to his first family.
Open adoption is not for the faint of heart but I have really learned to embrace it - warts and all. It's not always easy, at times it can be downright hard - but I cannot imagine not having an ongoing relationship with my son's other family. The positives have outweighed the negatives, by far.
I suggest talking to other families in open adoptions and reading articles about it. Personally, I think that open adoption is a wonderful thing. I have family members from all sides of the adoption triad and have seen the pain of relinquishing a child in a closed adoption, as well as finding out that one was adopted later in life.
I hope that my son can always have that connection. I value it and love all that are participating in our lives.
We have an open adoption with our daughter's birth family and it is wonderful. My husband was very leary at first because he didn't want it to be like co-parenting or a custody arrangment. Our daughter's mother has not been ready to have visits with her yet (she is 18 months old), but we send pictures, emails, message on facebook and text. She has two half siblings and we feel it is very important for her to be able to know them. We also feel very strongly that she will understand she was not placed for adoption due to lack of love. It was a because of love for her.
I am in a different position as far as openness because I am adopting from foster care, but I just want to encourage you to be very honest with the expectant mom. Definitely learn more about open adoption and do some soul searching before you make any promises. If your desires and hers do not match up as far as open adoption, let her know from the very beginning. I know that the promise of future contact can be really compelling to women who are considering placing a child for adoption, and it can be tempting to agree in order to move forward. But as an adoptive mom already, you know that the circumstances surrounding your child's adoption have lifelong repercussions for the children. This is no different, and I'm glad that you are taking the time to really think it through so that you can make an informed decision and speak honestly with this expectant mom.
Open is just keeping "some" form of an ongoing relationship between ap's, the natural parents, and the minor adopted child. And IMO, the most important thing would be to be identified to each other in full- so that there is an avenue to continue contact throughout the child's life.
It's taking control of the child's history identity origins and keeping it for them until they are old enough to have a say what they want to do with the info and any relationships.
Do not trust that the child's State of birth & adoption, or the agency will give them access (as an adult) to the legal documents that pertain to him if there should ever be a want or need to know where he comes from. The majority of States keep that info away from the very person it belongs to...the adoptee. Please give and take identifying info for your child. Don't assume that there will never be a need for it someday and sign it away possibly forever in a closed adoption.
Even with open adoption the documents can remain sealed, but the adoptee will have the ability to go seek answers if they wish.
You will give them the gift of not having to go before a judge to prove good cause. They will not have to be evaluated by a SW for the agency their ability to handle 2 paragraphs of non identifying info. (mom was blonde, 5'6, and one of 4 children). They won't have to stand before some secretary reading from their file saying 'no, you are not privy to this info.' 'You can't handle it and g*d awful, criminal things would happen if you did have it.'
Please consider open.
That is not the same as what you would be doing. My only real advice would be come up with a plan as to what you can/ will do and as long as it is always in the child's best interests and stick with it. Don't agree to something your not willing to do while deep down pretty sure you don't want to. I have heard of many families doing this. A firm plan is best. Then just like with foster care you can not let your self feel guilty and get kind of pushed into anything you are not comfortable with.
Boundaries would be key for me if I were in your shoes.
Good luck: )
Gift Idea?
- MamaLena5
on Jul. 8, 2012 at 8:27 PM