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Adoptive Moms Adoptive Moms

What age do you tell child they are adopted ?

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 We did Foster Parenting and got our daughter when she was 4 months- She does not remember her birth mom since she was and still is in and out of jail. We adopted her eventually once case plan never was worked-

Our daughter is biracial and my husband and I both are white so its obvious we are not the birth parents... She has made comments in the past year about her skin color and ours. She sees a difference BUT has never ask why- We always tell her what BEAUTIFUL skin tone she has. Most would die for her color... seriously.

Anywho... She is 5 almost 6 about to enter 1st grade. I think MY fear is either a student or Adult making a comment about her being adopted. I dont want her coming home and asking I would rather her know and not finding out that way. My husband thinks she is too young. I dont know what to do.

At what age is a good age?

When you do discuss this, exactly what should they know or should you tell?

Our daughter asks A LOT of questions... I really dont want her asking about the birth mom and I KNOW she is too young to get into the deal of her beinga drug addict, ect. So any suggestions on IF WE SHOULD do this or not- and if we should how to handle it is appreciated.

by on Jul. 13, 2012 at 9:23 PM
Replies (31-32):
the_kids_mom
by on Jul. 18, 2012 at 7:39 PM
Thank you. I'm a member of the Birthmom's group, but I've never heard of the other one. I'm mobile, so if you have a link to the Adoption for the Adoptees Point of View, I would greatly appreciate it if you could share it with me. I have a search angel, Amanda, she's wonderful, however most of my court papers say NOTHING! They change spellings of names several times, and there's no non identifying information included. No ages, races, medical history. Nothing! Thank you for the well wishes and for replying to me.

Quoting SarahSuzyQ:

Thank you so much for sharing your perspective with us. I think the bottom line is that we as amoms do not really know the experiences of the adoptee, but we so desperately want to do the right thing by our adoptee children. I appreciate your insight into this.

I'm sorry to hear that you've been manipulated and that your search for truth has been dismissed. I don't have a lot of information about how it would work, but have you thought about contacting a "search angel" to help you find your siblings? I think the ladies in the Birthmoms or the Adoption for the Adoptee's Point of View groups could probably give you some ideas about working with search angels, if you are interested... Good luck in your search, I hope you are able to reconnect with your siblings.


Quoting the_kids_mom:

I know the other side of this coin. I am an adoptee who my adad is still trying to control what he thinks I know even now. I found out due to a cousin telling me I didn't belong in the family when I was 7. There was nothing spoken about it before then, and other than what little "damage control" was done, it wasn't spoken of EVER! My adad says that by acknowledging that I have a family that I was a member of 1st, that I am disrespecting my amom by pursuing any information. I can't ask my amom's opinion because she died 14 days after I turned 11! I have my sealed court file, and am pursuing the sealed file that Austin, Texas has as well. I know from my file that I am the youngest of 5, and that the older 4 were taken away from my parents before my birth. I'm not sure if I want to search for my parents, but I DO want to find my siblings! The state of Texas is a joke when it comes to helping adoptees, I can't get a straight answer from anybody, even court. Nobody has any interest in helping me find information. I'm 45 years old, I think I have the RIGHT to know where I came from, who I look like, what my heritage is. Sorry it's a book, but PLEASE share ANYTHING you know with your children, don't make them feel like a "dirty little secret"! I'm still working through things, one biggie is learning to trust others that they aren't lying to me, and another is believing that I'm worth anybody's time and love. Please don't let your child feel this way! Be truthful, your child will grieve their loss, but will trust you more in the long run for being honest. If you want to talk more, ask away! I don't mind answering anything.


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SarahSuzyQ
by Sarah on Jul. 18, 2012 at 9:33 PM

That sounds so frustrating! And I'm sure it's an understatement. I hope you can find the information you need. Here's the adoptee group I mentioned -- I tend to just be a "lurker" as an amom, but there are some really supportive and experienced ladies in there: http://www.cafemom.com/group/32221

Quoting the_kids_mom:

Thank you. I'm a member of the Birthmom's group, but I've never heard of the other one. I'm mobile, so if you have a link to the Adoption for the Adoptees Point of View, I would greatly appreciate it if you could share it with me. I have a search angel, Amanda, she's wonderful, however most of my court papers say NOTHING! They change spellings of names several times, and there's no non identifying information included. No ages, races, medical history. Nothing! Thank you for the well wishes and for replying to me.

Quoting SarahSuzyQ:


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