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open adoption -advice needed

Posted by on Jul. 21, 2012 at 1:04 PM
  • 19 Replies
I am just finishing the adoption process with my 4 &5 yr old step children. They know who their mom is and there mom somewhat tried to be in their life. She was always in and out of their lives seeing and talking cpl times a year then off shed go. She came to us this spring and said she has changed and she felt adoption is what was best but wants an open adoption so if the kids ever want they can see her talk to her etc. So now we are here, process final for one, court on Thurs for the other. So here is my question.. she was wanting to get together this summer, hasn't seen the kids since oct of 2010, but has talked to them on phone this spring. I feel it is a good idea for them to be able to know her etc but I can't help feeling bad because she is still mom and I am still Nichole to them. Should we get together? Should we not? I am so confused, I don't want my feelings to get in the way of me making the best decision for them. Anybody else in this situation?
by on Jul. 21, 2012 at 1:04 PM
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Replies (1-10):
aprilz1225
by Silver Member on Jul. 21, 2012 at 3:27 PM

 wow... that is a pickle your in... I would ask the kids if maybe they would like to come up with a special name to use for you when you get together with their mom. you are by all things their mom.

feralkitten
by on Jul. 21, 2012 at 3:42 PM

i always think building up to direct contact is best i would suggest she starts with emails . as if she cant do emails / letters then she just gona jump in and out of kinds life and it may not be best for them to do direct contact

Malley
by on Jul. 21, 2012 at 4:45 PM
I adopted intrafamily and after we went to court I started going by Mom. My oldest was 4 then and I told him the judge made us his mom and dad. I would wait until BM calls and asks for a visit, make her take the initiative. She hasn't seen them in two years so she may not choose to even if she says she wants to. Let the kids call you mom in front of her because that is what you are to them. Why were the adoptions finalized separately?
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SarahSuzyQ
by Sarah on Jul. 21, 2012 at 5:05 PM
I agree that it's entirely appropriate for them to start calling you mom. Can you just make this change after you finalize the second adoption next week? They could start calling you "Mommy Nichole" and their BM "Mommy_______" if you're looking for a gradual transition... But you ARE their mom now.

As for the visit, I agree that I would let her take the initiative. I would also not mention it to the kids until you are sure it's going to happen, like maybe the day of or the day before.

You might also talk with your DH about what kind of boundaries would be necessary at the visit. Things like staying all together, topics that might be taboo, etc. Better to have clear expectations with BM before you get there, if at all possible.
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NicholeEva
by on Jul. 22, 2012 at 10:05 AM
Thanks ladies. We talk almost weekly she texts/calls to see how boys are doing. She has changed and wanted to be around more then got pg, didn't want to have to try and raise the boys while raising another kid. ( she has 2 more with her. She always says she wants to see them but only if they are up for it and if they are up to it she will see them as many times a year as I will let her.

She has some mental health issue that are getting much better. At first it was you can adopt one but not the other way of getting under mine and DH's skin I'm sure. So we did the one then she let us do the other. Uff dah.
StA123C
by on Jul. 22, 2012 at 10:41 AM
Idk... personally, I wouldn't do it. If she hasn't seen the kids in 2 yrs, I don't see why she needs to start now. I agree email/phone calls IF the children want it and IF she can be appropriate and act like YOU are the mother, because you are, and she's not.
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StA123C
by on Jul. 22, 2012 at 10:44 AM
Also want to add that I say my above comments bc when I adopted my daughter she had a strong bond w/ BM, and I thought I was doing the right thing by letting that continue. It took me a few years to see I was def doing the wrong thing for my daughter. The fact that your children see her as "mommy" and you as "nicole" makes me think you may be in a similar boat, which is why I think it'd be really important for BM to act like you are 100% their mother, and not her.
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doodlebopfan
by Bronze Member on Jul. 22, 2012 at 2:31 PM

 How old are all the kids and how did you get your 4/5 year old, at what age? Are you related to the bio mom?

mcginnisc
by Claire on Jul. 22, 2012 at 3:52 PM


Quoting doodlebopfan:

 How old are all the kids and how did you get your 4/5 year old, at what age? Are you related to the bio mom?

These were my questions as well... Doodle just beat me to it! 

Claire

Moderator: Healthy Weight Loss & Adoptive Moms

" I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Phillipians 4:13

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Malley
by on Jul. 22, 2012 at 3:57 PM
I think these are her stepkids.

Quoting mcginnisc:



Quoting doodlebopfan:

 How old are all the kids and how did you get your 4/5 year old, at what age? Are you related to the bio mom?

These were my questions as well... Doodle just beat me to it! 

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