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Adoptive Moms Adoptive Moms

open adoption -advice needed

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I am just finishing the adoption process with my 4 &5 yr old step children. They know who their mom is and there mom somewhat tried to be in their life. She was always in and out of their lives seeing and talking cpl times a year then off shed go. She came to us this spring and said she has changed and she felt adoption is what was best but wants an open adoption so if the kids ever want they can see her talk to her etc. So now we are here, process final for one, court on Thurs for the other. So here is my question.. she was wanting to get together this summer, hasn't seen the kids since oct of 2010, but has talked to them on phone this spring. I feel it is a good idea for them to be able to know her etc but I can't help feeling bad because she is still mom and I am still Nichole to them. Should we get together? Should we not? I am so confused, I don't want my feelings to get in the way of me making the best decision for them. Anybody else in this situation?
by on Jul. 21, 2012 at 1:04 PM
Replies (11-19):
Malley
by on Jul. 22, 2012 at 4:06 PM
I agree. I've been through similar problems with my dd who is BM. Last time I saw her I realized she has become an emotional terrorist trying to guilt me into letting her have them whenever she wants, mostly to show them off. I lost count of how many times she referred to them as "my kids".My feelings are she didn't want to mother them when she had them so she doesn't get to play mommy now.

Quoting StA123C:

Also want to add that I say my above comments bc when I adopted my daughter she had a strong bond w/ BM, and I thought I was doing the right thing by letting that continue. It took me a few years to see I was def doing the wrong thing for my daughter. The fact that your children see her as "mommy" and you as "nicole" makes me think you may be in a similar boat, which is why I think it'd be really important for BM to act like you are 100% their mother, and not her.
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doodlebopfan
by Bronze Member on Jul. 22, 2012 at 6:59 PM

 Thank you, Malley. I knew I was missing something.

So maybe she (or you, OP) is married to the bio dad of the 4/5 year old and the other 3 younger kids have a different dad(s)? I was wondering what separated these 2 kids from the other 3. Mom wants to continue being mom but allowed them to be adopted for what reason? Does she intend for her 4/5 y/o to have a mom that is absent in their lives or to be able to continue attaching and bonding to the mommy nichole that has been there this last 2 or more years? Wonder what dad thinks.... 

Quoting Malley:

I think these are her stepkids.

Quoting mcginnisc:

 


Quoting doodlebopfan:

 How old are all the kids and how did you get your 4/5 year old, at what age? Are you related to the bio mom?

These were my questions as well... Doodle just beat me to it! 

 

feralkitten
by on Jul. 22, 2012 at 7:08 PM

being a step mum even one that is adopting is not easy as the line are not clear cut in most cases step mum get no training and often have people telling them "your not there mum "  it like as a step mum your meant to help raise the kids but also have no say and you cant win as if you do to much your over stepping the mark if you do to little your an evil step mum , even being custodial dose not help and Meany people just see all step mum's as the same

but as i see it one you adopted your the mum and the birth mum is no longer mum the kids may still wont to call her mum but they must also see you as mum . so i teach them to say mum and her name and just call you mum that's what my kids do

Malley
by on Jul. 22, 2012 at 7:49 PM
1 mom liked this
Now I'm confused. Help, OP! I took it she is adopting her two stepsons. BM wouldn't let them have both at the same time, but they are now finalizing on the second one. BM also has two other kids not part of OP's family. BM hasn't seen the kids in two years but now that they are adopted wants visits.

Incidentally, that's what happened with D's bf. He didn't see him for two years, asked us to adopt him and then wanted all kinds of visits. It ended all talk and no action.

Quoting doodlebopfan:

 Thank you, Malley. I knew I was missing something.


So maybe she (or you, OP) is married to the bio dad of the 4/5 year old and the other 3 younger kids have a different dad(s)? I was wondering what separated these 2 kids from the other 3. Mom wants to continue being mom but allowed them to be adopted for what reason? Does she intend for her 4/5 y/o to have a mom that is absent in their lives or to be able to continue attaching and bonding to the mommy nichole that has been there this last 2 or more years? Wonder what dad thinks.... 


Quoting Malley:

I think these are her stepkids.


Quoting mcginnisc:


 



Quoting doodlebopfan:


 How old are all the kids and how did you get your 4/5 year old, at what age? Are you related to the bio mom?


These were my questions as well... Doodle just beat me to it! 


 

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NicholeEva
by on Jul. 23, 2012 at 7:12 AM
When I started dating my DH they were 6 mon and 18 months. Since then they have had the irregular contact with her but still talk about her as mommy etc.
NicholeEva
by on Jul. 23, 2012 at 7:18 AM
The 3 other chilred are hers and her now husband. My husband yes is bio dad of these 2. He doesn't trust her after many years of sayin one thing do another. But he also is afraid like I am that if we keep him from her as he gets older he will feel like we sabatoged his relationship with BM.




Quoting doodlebopfan:


Malley
by on Jul. 23, 2012 at 10:53 AM
You have to do what is best for your child right now.

Quoting NicholeEva:

The 3 other chilred are hers and her now husband. My husband yes is bio dad of these 2. He doesn't trust her after many years of sayin one thing do another. But he also is afraid like I am that if we keep him from her as he gets older he will feel like we sabatoged his relationship with BM.









Quoting doodlebopfan:


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Javamom00
by on Jul. 23, 2012 at 11:37 AM

you need to set up basis for WHAT will be allowed.

underHISwing
by on Jul. 23, 2012 at 12:24 PM
1 mom liked this

 The agency we adopted from suggested that we have no contact for at least a year, so that the new family dynamics could be established.  Perhaps this would be beneficial in your case as well? 

 

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