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Adoptive Moms Adoptive Moms

Would like some more info from you lovely ladies

Posted by on Aug. 7, 2012 at 9:35 AM
  • 7 Replies

 I was on here the other day talking about DH and I starting the process of fostering and possibly adopting through the state. I have some more questions for you.

Regarding foster care: how many and how often do you have kids? I know that the goal of foster care is to work toward reunification with the bios. Is there an average length of time that you have kids in your home? And here's the big one: How hard is it when they leave and go back to their bios? I would imagine that it could be as heart-breaking as a divorce or death. How do you prepare yourself - and even the kids - for that?

Regarding adoption: Have any of you adopted and then had bio kids of your own later? How did that go for the older kid(s)? As I mentioned previously DH and I still hope to have bio kids of our own but we don't know when or how long that is going to take and we see no reason not to help out other kids, too.

We still want to do this but we want to be able to prepare ourselves for the emotions that will come along with it.

Any suggestions?

by on Aug. 7, 2012 at 9:35 AM
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Replies (1-7):
aprilz1225
by Silver Member on Aug. 7, 2012 at 10:36 AM

I am an adoptive mom not foster...well not yet any way ( we are waiting for our next match for infant adoption first)... but i think the kids reaction would all depend on how you and hubby react to the situation and that you explain how and why they came to the family they will be just as excited.. we have a very big rule in our home that is we will not adopt any child older than our adopted son... since there is not a snowballs chance that i will ever have a bio child we want our son to have the specialness (i know not a word couldn't find the word i was looking for coffe has ot kicked in yet..lol) of being the oldest and the first child to come to our family thru adoption.. My question to you is do you have a fear that you may treat them diffrently?

luvslilacs
by on Aug. 7, 2012 at 11:46 AM

 No, not that I would treat them differently but that they would feel that we didn't love them as much because they aren't our bio kid. Say we chose to adopt an older child and then I became pregnant I would be concerned that the adopted child would feel like s/he wasn't good enough for us so we decided to have a child of our own instead. I would do everything I can, of course, to dispell those fears and feelings for the child. I've been reading on our state's website about several of the kids who are already available for adoption and many of them say that they would do better if they were the only child(ren) in the home. I assume that is because many of these children have been neglected and need more love, time and attention than other children. While I would not intentionally neglect them again would they feel that way anyway if a new baby came on the scene?

aprilz1225
by Silver Member on Aug. 7, 2012 at 1:40 PM

 it is quite possible (human nature) to feel that way.. even children that are bio children get a bit upset on not being the one and only...I did... my punishment not one but two little brothers>..lol just make sure to add some special things...a longer mommy or daddy time things should be ok... I was afraid with this next one i would not be able to balance my time between two... now that we are adopting (well waiting) for number two we talk to conner often about being a big brother... being six he was mostly worried about share'n toys... but once he learned that a baby sleeps alot and cannot play with big guy toys, now it's a whole new ball game! wants to buy two of everything one for him one for a new baby brother or sister.  i think your doing a great job being intuned with what emotional needs could come up.... mom...

Quoting luvslilacs:

 No, not that I would treat them differently but that they would feel that we didn't love them as much because they aren't our bio kid. Say we chose to adopt an older child and then I became pregnant I would be concerned that the adopted child would feel like s/he wasn't good enough for us so we decided to have a child of our own instead. I would do everything I can, of course, to dispell those fears and feelings for the child. I've been reading on our state's website about several of the kids who are already available for adoption and many of them say that they would do better if they were the only child(ren) in the home. I assume that is because many of these children have been neglected and need more love, time and attention than other children. While I would not intentionally neglect them again would they feel that way anyway if a new baby came on the scene?

 

SarahSuzyQ
by Sarah on Aug. 7, 2012 at 2:03 PM
I will definitely add my thoughts to this when I get on my computer... I just wanted to say that I think it's so good you are thinking about these concerns about now. The training classes will also help you to think through foster care-related issues. Of course we can never plan for every contingency, but fostering brings some unique challenges and it's good to prepare for that. I think you'll be a really caring and thoughtful foster mom.
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TheMrs.S
by Member on Aug. 7, 2012 at 8:17 PM

We are doing both right now...We have Princess Noodle and she is almost  months old. Her case is moving towards adoption. We also just fostered a little baby that went to live with family members while his mom works her case plan. When we got the call for him we knew it was going to be pretty temporary, but still showered him with so much love. I would say we were attached, but we always knew that he wouldn't be staying with us. That made it so much easier when his CW called us and told us he was leaving. It is very important to prepare yourself ahead of time. Even with our little princess, we have to keep in mind that nothing is final until TPR is done and we have those adoption papers signed.

jen1130
by Bronze Member on Aug. 8, 2012 at 10:44 AM
We had 3 bio sons and then adopted our daughter she was 2 days old when she came home and tpr was at 12/13 months she was adopted at 15 months. She is amazing she is our daughter I have no concern about our bio kids And our adopted kids they are all ours. YES I said adopted KIDS. We have gone on to adopt 3 more. An older sib group at the time we met them they were 12,9 and 3 our other kids were 22,20,14 and 9.
They all get along good it has worked out well!
They judas are now 24,22,16,14,11,11 and 5.
It's a good life: )
I will tell you I did worry with my first 2 bio kids. When I was pregnant with my second son i worried about ,if I would love him as much as my first son. Believe me it was fine : )
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maggiemom2000
by Bronze Member on Aug. 11, 2012 at 12:47 AM

I'd like to  address the issue of adopting then having bio kids. 

I had 2 bio kids, then adopted, but I know lots of families who have done it the other way around. I was raised in a family where the birth order was bioDS, adoptedDD, adoptedDD, bioDD, bioDS. In our family it was a non-issue. There was no question that we were "equal" in every way.

My cousins were adoptedDD, adoptedDS, bioDS. Same as my family. They were all equally loved and treated the same, no problems with the fact that some were adopted, some not.

My cousin has adoptedDD then bioDD. It is obvious that the girls are equally loved and love each other very much.

I recently talked to a person who told me something that really surprised me. She was watching me with my kids. She said it warmed her heart to see how I clearly treated the bio and adopted kids the same and loved them equally. I was kind of surprised because I was thinking, "of course!!". She told me that she and her sister were both adopted, then her parents had a bio son and it was clear that they preferred the bio son. Once he came along their lives really changed for the worse.

That story made me really sad, and all I can think is, what crappy parents! I think most people honestly love their adopted and bio children equally and that is what they feel. Every other situation I know with a mix of bio and adopted kids that is not the case.

If you are loving and handle it well and make sure that you show your children that they are not being replaced, or that you "finally" have the bio child, which is what you "really wanted" in the first place, then there is no problem. It sounds to me like you want to adopt regardless of whether or not you have any bio kids, which suggests that it will not be a problem in your family :-)


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