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Adoptive Moms Adoptive Moms

Step-parent adoption.

Posted by on Sep. 23, 2012 at 10:26 PM
  • 9 Replies

 I am loving this group, it has given me so much insight on communication and how to discuss adoption with my sons. I adopted both my stepsons this last year ages 5 &6.  That said I would love to hear from some other step parent adopters out there and hear about their stories, struggles, anything to make me feel like I am not alone in this.

I know down the road what is best for my sons is to be able to know their birth mom and be able to have a relationship, I just struggle right now with them having contact her. I feel that  contact is no different then how their relationship was before the adoption. I have raised my sons since they were ages 6months and 17 months. Throughout their lives they have had contact with Bio Mom and visitation just nothing consistent. I have been the one there for them through everything, first steps, words, school, potty training. Everything. I don't want to sound selfish and I realize this will probably come off to some as selfish but I cannot wait for the day they call me mom. I have been a stepparent for so long , and now I can't wait for the day when I am no longer a step parent in their eyes but instead their mom. They can take as long as they want, and I understand it may not happen for a long time. Any others in my sistuation??

by on Sep. 23, 2012 at 10:26 PM
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Replies (1-9):
feralkitten
by on Sep. 24, 2012 at 4:06 AM
1 mom liked this

this is the sort story and it 100 times worse than this lol

i meet my man and his wonderful kids just over 5 years ago 

we will call them ss and sd 

that's them when i meet them at 4 and 6 years old . my man had had them since they were 2 and 4 

bm neglect,  starved and everyone suspects hit them 

when i meet them there bm was still allowed contact i think it was meant to be supervised by a family member but i don't think she was doing it . after a few week i begin to know something was very wrong with contact. there was a few things that made me finale talk to the social worker . and bm was put on to supervised by a social worker contact 

a few months after that i was suprised to find out i was pregnant with my mans baby at 6 month pregnant we got married 

around the same time bm got married in Pakistan to her man who had been deported from the uk for overstaying his Visa . this was her 2nd marriage since her split from dh and last guy was rommerd to also just wnat to stay in the uk , oh and bm and dh were never married not for lack of bm trying she booked a church and everything  dh just did not want to marry her 

and in july 2007 i gave birth to my son . soon after that the ss refused to see bm anymore and started calling me mum 

sd started school i was with her bm was not 

bm continued to cause problems in every way . she tell the kids stuff she should not in the bath room eg i'm gon a igve you dad cs make shore he spends it on you  . i should add there in an older sister who is not my dh's kid but we did care for a few years who was at contact with we will call her ct 

just after sd started calling me mum she came back from contact saying she had two daddy's. i was really annoyed as she did not even see bm husband and he  was not even in the uk . sd and ss and ct did know him a few years ago but not since they were in dh care 

bm also started saying bad stuff about me like i hit the kids and was forcing them to call me mum and not feeding them. she hid messages in book for ss he still refused to see bm and said he hated her 

ct went to care as her and ss kept fighting and she had a lot of problem including rad . we love her and continue to see her but she need one on one care with no Young kids . she not a bad kid life just not been fare to this girl . our son was only a few month old at the time . 

ss was diagnosed with rad in 2009 

and after a year in foster care ct went to live with grandparents ( bm parents )

in jan 2010 i found out i was pregnant with my 2nd son , and then a week later found out bm was pregnant i was due sept and her oct . bm got pregnant as soon as her man was back in the uk 

is was diponed i was not giving her a sister lol 

around this time bm could no longer cope with the contact and put them down to twice a month 

but on the other hand was telling everyone she was getting the kids back and she still continued to make my life hell !!!. i even had a women come up to me and say " bet your happy there going back to live with bm again and you will only have them at weekends " i told her over my dead body and walked off 

bm told sd at contact she could not breath and how hard pregnancy was and tried to get sympathy out of her . i on the other hand suffer from bad morning sickness for 9 month  and am really ill yet i tell kids " dont worry I'm fine just baby making me a bit sick but that means baby is good 

also bm told sd it was a girl she was having because she had bleed and she only bleeds with girl even the hospital said so bm  she was not far along for a scan and at the scan found out it was a BOY !

bm sat at a meeting and said " I'm so ill " social worker new how ill i was and told bm to be quite before i opened my mouth lol

i had my 2nd son 

when i tried to tell the skids bm baby was born ss did not want to know and sd was like ok . after a month ss agreed to see a photo of baby h and bm sent a blurry photo you could hardly make out yet i seen photo on face book of him that wear clear !. ss looked at it and said " it blurry can i go now "

in dec 2010 sd meet baby h for 1st time  along with bm hubby for the 1st time since she was tinny . and bm then stopped all direct contact and went to email only because she could not cope ! i was to update her on everything and sd was to email bm a few times a year . bm said she wright to sd every month and send ss emails for when he was ready 

in feb 2011 after social work has signed off the case bm tried for over night stays with kids HA. her lawyer backed off pretty fast when i told him i had a letter from bm saying she no longer wanted to see them direct wrote to the social worker hahahah 

bm email started to cause concern as she started to say thing to kids that were not ok to say . and she started to use ct as a weapon rubbing it in sd face she still seen ct  lucky i was allowed to edit emails. also bm would say over and over how much h look like them  he don't my kids are white white with blue eyes and blond / dirty blond hair and look like there dad . h was half Pakistani and had dark skin dark eyes and looked like his dad i'm not trying to be nasty that's just the facts . bm aslo would talk about money and how sick she was in emails

and she email me trying to tell me what to do with the cs money funny but is she pays very little and is in so much deat with the cs 

 ss still refused to even read the emails or her bm name and say she not his mum i am and h is not his brother . but is a fascistic brother two his two wee brothers 

in about oct 2011 bm asked me to adopted the kids she asked for email and everything to stay the same 

in dec she changed her mind as she was mad at me . she like a yoyo she likes me she hates me she likes me she hates me .  i never  know what will set her off  and her flipping out at everything and you never know what she will say or do . eg i send a week telling her all ss problems and how he could not even hear her name without flipping out . she said she understood .then next week said  she wanted us all to come to her birthday party !!! the kids were email only 

after only a year in the grandparents care the gran said she could no longer cope with bm and gave ct back to foster care. i felt so sorry for the gran 

are lawyer was filing for contact to be wrote up to nil or email only with rules and the adoption it was two separate Case 

bm told me she was dieing then told me she maybe bipolar . a social worker report for ct said  bm was on aunty depressants 

july 2012 bm was put to NIL!! contact at court bm did not fight it and agreed to it i was really shocked and very happy lol . i told bm as I'm a soft hearted person i would update her twice a year and allow her to keep sending emails that i would keep to kids are adults . bm email clearly show she dose not know what nil means :/ and social work report she her mental health maybe getting worse 

month after my kids were put to nil i was told bm had thrown a fit over poor ct and now was cutting her off from h and herself . the foster care all so handed in her notes saying bm had put her off fostering for life !

bm is allowed email only with ct but a soical worker must check the emails 1st 

and that up to now the adoption it moving forward we see bm parents and sister there nice and they no longer talk to bm . 

sd and ss are now 9 and 11 and my boys are 2 and 4 

I'm in every way the 4 kids mum and the adoption will just be the iceing on the top of the cake. its not been an easy road but my kids are worth it . and bm has made me life hell . 

i just went back to college to do photography and to my horror a 17 year old who is bm friend is in my class TYICAL ! lucky she seams nice . also i have problems with one of my knees taht causes me a lot of pain but bm has no idear . i love to say its all gona be fine now but allready looks like she trying to make that 17

i dont know is ss will ever want to know about bm he still seams to really hate her  

RoddaMom
by on Sep. 24, 2012 at 10:35 AM
1 mom liked this

I have four adopted step children :) They started calling me Mom right away because I think they were so DESPERATE for a mother and their cousin (5) pointed out to them that I would be a Mommy when their Daddy and I got married :) Their bio-mom hasn't been consistently in their lives either but is coming around a little bit more now. She is Kootenai (native american tribe) and the word for Mom in Kootenia is Kama... so they call her Kama and me, Mom... which is way less confusing! We were both having a hard time with the kids calling us both Mom because she never sees them unless I am there so we would both be answering them lol so I'm glad we figured something out. Now that they are adopted and I don't have to worry about custody battles (which she would lose since she has been addicted to drugs for the last 10 years), or the kids not thinking I am their mom (they know who is there for them and loves them!) I don't mind her coming around every once in a while. I think the kids do need to know her a little bit but there was a while where my oldest sone refused to see her and that was fine too. I think the most important thing you can do is just BE there for them, no matter what. Good luck to you and if you have any questions you can message me any time!

RoddaMom
by on Sep. 24, 2012 at 10:40 AM

This sounds similar to what I went through with my kids. It was a horrible first four years with all of the worry and harrasment. My kids' bio-mom is now married and has step-kids that are in the same situation. It really opened her eyes a lot and she let me adopt them over a year ago without a fight. Now I am happy to say that we have a very good relationship with eachother and she's starting to have a small relationship with the kids again. (She hadn't seen them in almost five years). I feel like the last puzzle peice has slipped into place. Every time one of my kids would do something wonderful I would feel so sad that she would never know what amazing children we had. She will never completely be in their lives (she suffers from drug addiction) but the fact that they can know her a little and know where they come from I think is healthy (as long as she is not on drugs around them!) I hope that one day your family finds peace too, whatever that may be for you. hugs!

Quoting feralkitten:

this is the sort story and it 100 times worse than this lol

i meet my man and his wonderful kids just over 5 years ago 

we will call them ss and sd 

that's them when i meet them at 4 and 6 years old . my man had had them since they were 2 and 4 

bm neglect,  starved and everyone suspects hit them 

when i meet them there bm was still allowed contact i think it was meant to be supervised by a family member but i don't think she was doing it . after a few week i begin to know something was very wrong with contact. there was a few things that made me finale talk to the social worker . and bm was put on to supervised by a social worker contact 

a few months after that i was suprised to find out i was pregnant with my mans baby at 6 month pregnant we got married 

around the same time bm got married in Pakistan to her man who had been deported from the uk for overstaying his Visa . this was her 2nd marriage since her split from dh and last guy was rommerd to also just wnat to stay in the uk , oh and bm and dh were never married not for lack of bm trying she booked a church and everything  dh just did not want to marry her 

and in july 2007 i gave birth to my son . soon after that the ss refused to see bm anymore and started calling me mum 

sd started school i was with her bm was not 

bm continued to cause problems in every way . she tell the kids stuff she should not in the bath room eg i'm gon a igve you dad cs make shore he spends it on you  . i should add there in an older sister who is not my dh's kid but we did care for a few years who was at contact with we will call her ct 

just after sd started calling me mum she came back from contact saying she had two daddy's. i was really annoyed as she did not even see bm husband and he  was not even in the uk . sd and ss and ct did know him a few years ago but not since they were in dh care 

bm also started saying bad stuff about me like i hit the kids and was forcing them to call me mum and not feeding them. she hid messages in book for ss he still refused to see bm and said he hated her 

ct went to care as her and ss kept fighting and she had a lot of problem including rad . we love her and continue to see her but she need one on one care with no Young kids . she not a bad kid life just not been fare to this girl . our son was only a few month old at the time . 

ss was diagnosed with rad in 2009 

and after a year in foster care ct went to live with grandparents ( bm parents )

in jan 2010 i found out i was pregnant with my 2nd son , and then a week later found out bm was pregnant i was due sept and her oct . bm got pregnant as soon as her man was back in the uk 

is was diponed i was not giving her a sister lol 

around this time bm could no longer cope with the contact and put them down to twice a month 

but on the other hand was telling everyone she was getting the kids back and she still continued to make my life hell !!!. i even had a women come up to me and say " bet your happy there going back to live with bm again and you will only have them at weekends " i told her over my dead body and walked off 

bm told sd at contact she could not breath and how hard pregnancy was and tried to get sympathy out of her . i on the other hand suffer from bad morning sickness for 9 month  and am really ill yet i tell kids " dont worry I'm fine just baby making me a bit sick but that means baby is good 

also bm told sd it was a girl she was having because she had bleed and she only bleeds with girl even the hospital said so bm  she was not far along for a scan and at the scan found out it was a BOY !

bm sat at a meeting and said " I'm so ill " social worker new how ill i was and told bm to be quite before i opened my mouth lol

i had my 2nd son 

when i tried to tell the skids bm baby was born ss did not want to know and sd was like ok . after a month ss agreed to see a photo of baby h and bm sent a blurry photo you could hardly make out yet i seen photo on face book of him that wear clear !. ss looked at it and said " it blurry can i go now "

in dec 2010 sd meet baby h for 1st time  along with bm hubby for the 1st time since she was tinny . and bm then stopped all direct contact and went to email only because she could not cope ! i was to update her on everything and sd was to email bm a few times a year . bm said she wright to sd every month and send ss emails for when he was ready 

in feb 2011 after social work has signed off the case bm tried for over night stays with kids HA. her lawyer backed off pretty fast when i told him i had a letter from bm saying she no longer wanted to see them direct wrote to the social worker hahahah 

bm email started to cause concern as she started to say thing to kids that were not ok to say . and she started to use ct as a weapon rubbing it in sd face she still seen ct  lucky i was allowed to edit emails. also bm would say over and over how much h look like them  he don't my kids are white white with blue eyes and blond / dirty blond hair and look like there dad . h was half Pakistani and had dark skin dark eyes and looked like his dad i'm not trying to be nasty that's just the facts . bm aslo would talk about money and how sick she was in emails

and she email me trying to tell me what to do with the cs money funny but is she pays very little and is in so much deat with the cs 

 ss still refused to even read the emails or her bm name and say she not his mum i am and h is not his brother . but is a fascistic brother two his two wee brothers 

in about oct 2011 bm asked me to adopted the kids she asked for email and everything to stay the same 

in dec she changed her mind as she was mad at me . she like a yoyo she likes me she hates me she likes me she hates me .  i never  know what will set her off  and her flipping out at everything and you never know what she will say or do . eg i send a week telling her all ss problems and how he could not even hear her name without flipping out . she said she understood .then next week said  she wanted us all to come to her birthday party !!! the kids were email only 

after only a year in the grandparents care the gran said she could no longer cope with bm and gave ct back to foster care. i felt so sorry for the gran 

are lawyer was filing for contact to be wrote up to nil or email only with rules and the adoption it was two separate Case 

bm told me she was dieing then told me she maybe bipolar . a social worker report for ct said  bm was on aunty depressants 

july 2012 bm was put to NIL!! contact at court bm did not fight it and agreed to it i was really shocked and very happy lol . i told bm as I'm a soft hearted person i would update her twice a year and allow her to keep sending emails that i would keep to kids are adults . bm email clearly show she dose not know what nil means :/ and social work report she her mental health maybe getting worse 

month after my kids were put to nil i was told bm had thrown a fit over poor ct and now was cutting her off from h and herself . the foster care all so handed in her notes saying bm had put her off fostering for life !

bm is allowed email only with ct but a soical worker must check the emails 1st 

and that up to now the adoption it moving forward we see bm parents and sister there nice and they no longer talk to bm . 

sd and ss are now 9 and 11 and my boys are 2 and 4 

I'm in every way the 4 kids mum and the adoption will just be the iceing on the top of the cake. its not been an easy road but my kids are worth it . and bm has made me life hell . 

i just went back to college to do photography and to my horror a 17 year old who is bm friend is in my class TYICAL ! lucky she seams nice . also i have problems with one of my knees taht causes me a lot of pain but bm has no idear . i love to say its all gona be fine now but allready looks like she trying to make that 17

i dont know is ss will ever want to know about bm he still seams to really hate her  


feralkitten
by on Sep. 24, 2012 at 11:14 AM

she wont be seeing them or talking to them till there adults i will keep all the emails for them and update her twice a year i even said i would send photos . i know it sounds harsh but trust me its best for everyone and the kids can just enjoy being kids  

Quoting RoddaMom:

This sounds similar to what I went through with my kids. It was a horrible first four years with all of the worry and harrasment. My kids' bio-mom is now married and has step-kids that are in the same situation. It really opened her eyes a lot and she let me adopt them over a year ago without a fight. Now I am happy to say that we have a very good relationship with eachother and she's starting to have a small relationship with the kids again. (She hadn't seen them in almost five years). I feel like the last puzzle peice has slipped into place. Every time one of my kids would do something wonderful I would feel so sad that she would never know what amazing children we had. She will never completely be in their lives (she suffers from drug addiction) but the fact that they can know her a little and know where they come from I think is healthy (as long as she is not on drugs around them!) I hope that one day your family finds peace too, whatever that may be for you. hugs!

Quoting feralkitten:

this is the sort story and it 100 times worse than this lol

i meet my man and his wonderful kids just over 5 years ago 

we will call them ss and sd 

that's them when i meet them at 4 and 6 years old . my man had had them since they were 2 and 4 

bm neglect,  starved and everyone suspects hit them 

when i meet them there bm was still allowed contact i think it was meant to be supervised by a family member but i don't think she was doing it . after a few week i begin to know something was very wrong with contact. there was a few things that made me finale talk to the social worker . and bm was put on to supervised by a social worker contact 

a few months after that i was suprised to find out i was pregnant with my mans baby at 6 month pregnant we got married 

around the same time bm got married in Pakistan to her man who had been deported from the uk for overstaying his Visa . this was her 2nd marriage since her split from dh and last guy was rommerd to also just wnat to stay in the uk , oh and bm and dh were never married not for lack of bm trying she booked a church and everything  dh just did not want to marry her 

and in july 2007 i gave birth to my son . soon after that the ss refused to see bm anymore and started calling me mum 

sd started school i was with her bm was not 

bm continued to cause problems in every way . she tell the kids stuff she should not in the bath room eg i'm gon a igve you dad cs make shore he spends it on you  . i should add there in an older sister who is not my dh's kid but we did care for a few years who was at contact with we will call her ct 

just after sd started calling me mum she came back from contact saying she had two daddy's. i was really annoyed as she did not even see bm husband and he  was not even in the uk . sd and ss and ct did know him a few years ago but not since they were in dh care 

bm also started saying bad stuff about me like i hit the kids and was forcing them to call me mum and not feeding them. she hid messages in book for ss he still refused to see bm and said he hated her 

ct went to care as her and ss kept fighting and she had a lot of problem including rad . we love her and continue to see her but she need one on one care with no Young kids . she not a bad kid life just not been fare to this girl . our son was only a few month old at the time . 

ss was diagnosed with rad in 2009 

and after a year in foster care ct went to live with grandparents ( bm parents )

in jan 2010 i found out i was pregnant with my 2nd son , and then a week later found out bm was pregnant i was due sept and her oct . bm got pregnant as soon as her man was back in the uk 

is was diponed i was not giving her a sister lol 

around this time bm could no longer cope with the contact and put them down to twice a month 

but on the other hand was telling everyone she was getting the kids back and she still continued to make my life hell !!!. i even had a women come up to me and say " bet your happy there going back to live with bm again and you will only have them at weekends " i told her over my dead body and walked off 

bm told sd at contact she could not breath and how hard pregnancy was and tried to get sympathy out of her . i on the other hand suffer from bad morning sickness for 9 month  and am really ill yet i tell kids " dont worry I'm fine just baby making me a bit sick but that means baby is good 

also bm told sd it was a girl she was having because she had bleed and she only bleeds with girl even the hospital said so bm  she was not far along for a scan and at the scan found out it was a BOY !

bm sat at a meeting and said " I'm so ill " social worker new how ill i was and told bm to be quite before i opened my mouth lol

i had my 2nd son 

when i tried to tell the skids bm baby was born ss did not want to know and sd was like ok . after a month ss agreed to see a photo of baby h and bm sent a blurry photo you could hardly make out yet i seen photo on face book of him that wear clear !. ss looked at it and said " it blurry can i go now "

in dec 2010 sd meet baby h for 1st time  along with bm hubby for the 1st time since she was tinny . and bm then stopped all direct contact and went to email only because she could not cope ! i was to update her on everything and sd was to email bm a few times a year . bm said she wright to sd every month and send ss emails for when he was ready 

in feb 2011 after social work has signed off the case bm tried for over night stays with kids HA. her lawyer backed off pretty fast when i told him i had a letter from bm saying she no longer wanted to see them direct wrote to the social worker hahahah 

bm email started to cause concern as she started to say thing to kids that were not ok to say . and she started to use ct as a weapon rubbing it in sd face she still seen ct  lucky i was allowed to edit emails. also bm would say over and over how much h look like them  he don't my kids are white white with blue eyes and blond / dirty blond hair and look like there dad . h was half Pakistani and had dark skin dark eyes and looked like his dad i'm not trying to be nasty that's just the facts . bm aslo would talk about money and how sick she was in emails

and she email me trying to tell me what to do with the cs money funny but is she pays very little and is in so much deat with the cs 

 ss still refused to even read the emails or her bm name and say she not his mum i am and h is not his brother . but is a fascistic brother two his two wee brothers 

in about oct 2011 bm asked me to adopted the kids she asked for email and everything to stay the same 

in dec she changed her mind as she was mad at me . she like a yoyo she likes me she hates me she likes me she hates me .  i never  know what will set her off  and her flipping out at everything and you never know what she will say or do . eg i send a week telling her all ss problems and how he could not even hear her name without flipping out . she said she understood .then next week said  she wanted us all to come to her birthday party !!! the kids were email only 

after only a year in the grandparents care the gran said she could no longer cope with bm and gave ct back to foster care. i felt so sorry for the gran 

are lawyer was filing for contact to be wrote up to nil or email only with rules and the adoption it was two separate Case 

bm told me she was dieing then told me she maybe bipolar . a social worker report for ct said  bm was on aunty depressants 

july 2012 bm was put to NIL!! contact at court bm did not fight it and agreed to it i was really shocked and very happy lol . i told bm as I'm a soft hearted person i would update her twice a year and allow her to keep sending emails that i would keep to kids are adults . bm email clearly show she dose not know what nil means :/ and social work report she her mental health maybe getting worse 

month after my kids were put to nil i was told bm had thrown a fit over poor ct and now was cutting her off from h and herself . the foster care all so handed in her notes saying bm had put her off fostering for life !

bm is allowed email only with ct but a soical worker must check the emails 1st 

and that up to now the adoption it moving forward we see bm parents and sister there nice and they no longer talk to bm . 

sd and ss are now 9 and 11 and my boys are 2 and 4 

I'm in every way the 4 kids mum and the adoption will just be the iceing on the top of the cake. its not been an easy road but my kids are worth it . and bm has made me life hell . 

i just went back to college to do photography and to my horror a 17 year old who is bm friend is in my class TYICAL ! lucky she seams nice . also i have problems with one of my knees taht causes me a lot of pain but bm has no idear . i love to say its all gona be fine now but allready looks like she trying to make that 17

i dont know is ss will ever want to know about bm he still seams to really hate her  



RoddaMom
by on Sep. 24, 2012 at 1:31 PM

Please don't think that I was judging the way you handle your family. I just wanted to share how our family works right now and let you know that someone has experienced how hellish (not exaggerating) that the experiences could be and that they can get better whether you choose to have contact or not. 

Quoting feralkitten:

she wont be seeing them or talking to them till there adults i will keep all the emails for them and update her twice a year i even said i would send photos . i know it sounds harsh but trust me its best for everyone and the kids can just enjoy being kids  

Quoting RoddaMom:

This sounds similar to what I went through with my kids. It was a horrible first four years with all of the worry and harrasment. My kids' bio-mom is now married and has step-kids that are in the same situation. It really opened her eyes a lot and she let me adopt them over a year ago without a fight. Now I am happy to say that we have a very good relationship with eachother and she's starting to have a small relationship with the kids again. (She hadn't seen them in almost five years). I feel like the last puzzle peice has slipped into place. Every time one of my kids would do something wonderful I would feel so sad that she would never know what amazing children we had. She will never completely be in their lives (she suffers from drug addiction) but the fact that they can know her a little and know where they come from I think is healthy (as long as she is not on drugs around them!) I hope that one day your family finds peace too, whatever that may be for you. hugs!

Quoting feralkitten:

this is the sort story and it 100 times worse than this lol

i meet my man and his wonderful kids just over 5 years ago 

we will call them ss and sd 

that's them when i meet them at 4 and 6 years old . my man had had them since they were 2 and 4 

bm neglect,  starved and everyone suspects hit them 

when i meet them there bm was still allowed contact i think it was meant to be supervised by a family member but i don't think she was doing it . after a few week i begin to know something was very wrong with contact. there was a few things that made me finale talk to the social worker . and bm was put on to supervised by a social worker contact 

a few months after that i was suprised to find out i was pregnant with my mans baby at 6 month pregnant we got married 

around the same time bm got married in Pakistan to her man who had been deported from the uk for overstaying his Visa . this was her 2nd marriage since her split from dh and last guy was rommerd to also just wnat to stay in the uk , oh and bm and dh were never married not for lack of bm trying she booked a church and everything  dh just did not want to marry her 

and in july 2007 i gave birth to my son . soon after that the ss refused to see bm anymore and started calling me mum 

sd started school i was with her bm was not 

bm continued to cause problems in every way . she tell the kids stuff she should not in the bath room eg i'm gon a igve you dad cs make shore he spends it on you  . i should add there in an older sister who is not my dh's kid but we did care for a few years who was at contact with we will call her ct 

just after sd started calling me mum she came back from contact saying she had two daddy's. i was really annoyed as she did not even see bm husband and he  was not even in the uk . sd and ss and ct did know him a few years ago but not since they were in dh care 

bm also started saying bad stuff about me like i hit the kids and was forcing them to call me mum and not feeding them. she hid messages in book for ss he still refused to see bm and said he hated her 

ct went to care as her and ss kept fighting and she had a lot of problem including rad . we love her and continue to see her but she need one on one care with no Young kids . she not a bad kid life just not been fare to this girl . our son was only a few month old at the time . 

ss was diagnosed with rad in 2009 

and after a year in foster care ct went to live with grandparents ( bm parents )

in jan 2010 i found out i was pregnant with my 2nd son , and then a week later found out bm was pregnant i was due sept and her oct . bm got pregnant as soon as her man was back in the uk 

is was diponed i was not giving her a sister lol 

around this time bm could no longer cope with the contact and put them down to twice a month 

but on the other hand was telling everyone she was getting the kids back and she still continued to make my life hell !!!. i even had a women come up to me and say " bet your happy there going back to live with bm again and you will only have them at weekends " i told her over my dead body and walked off 

bm told sd at contact she could not breath and how hard pregnancy was and tried to get sympathy out of her . i on the other hand suffer from bad morning sickness for 9 month  and am really ill yet i tell kids " dont worry I'm fine just baby making me a bit sick but that means baby is good 

also bm told sd it was a girl she was having because she had bleed and she only bleeds with girl even the hospital said so bm  she was not far along for a scan and at the scan found out it was a BOY !

bm sat at a meeting and said " I'm so ill " social worker new how ill i was and told bm to be quite before i opened my mouth lol

i had my 2nd son 

when i tried to tell the skids bm baby was born ss did not want to know and sd was like ok . after a month ss agreed to see a photo of baby h and bm sent a blurry photo you could hardly make out yet i seen photo on face book of him that wear clear !. ss looked at it and said " it blurry can i go now "

in dec 2010 sd meet baby h for 1st time  along with bm hubby for the 1st time since she was tinny . and bm then stopped all direct contact and went to email only because she could not cope ! i was to update her on everything and sd was to email bm a few times a year . bm said she wright to sd every month and send ss emails for when he was ready 

in feb 2011 after social work has signed off the case bm tried for over night stays with kids HA. her lawyer backed off pretty fast when i told him i had a letter from bm saying she no longer wanted to see them direct wrote to the social worker hahahah 

bm email started to cause concern as she started to say thing to kids that were not ok to say . and she started to use ct as a weapon rubbing it in sd face she still seen ct  lucky i was allowed to edit emails. also bm would say over and over how much h look like them  he don't my kids are white white with blue eyes and blond / dirty blond hair and look like there dad . h was half Pakistani and had dark skin dark eyes and looked like his dad i'm not trying to be nasty that's just the facts . bm aslo would talk about money and how sick she was in emails

and she email me trying to tell me what to do with the cs money funny but is she pays very little and is in so much deat with the cs 

 ss still refused to even read the emails or her bm name and say she not his mum i am and h is not his brother . but is a fascistic brother two his two wee brothers 

in about oct 2011 bm asked me to adopted the kids she asked for email and everything to stay the same 

in dec she changed her mind as she was mad at me . she like a yoyo she likes me she hates me she likes me she hates me .  i never  know what will set her off  and her flipping out at everything and you never know what she will say or do . eg i send a week telling her all ss problems and how he could not even hear her name without flipping out . she said she understood .then next week said  she wanted us all to come to her birthday party !!! the kids were email only 

after only a year in the grandparents care the gran said she could no longer cope with bm and gave ct back to foster care. i felt so sorry for the gran 

are lawyer was filing for contact to be wrote up to nil or email only with rules and the adoption it was two separate Case 

bm told me she was dieing then told me she maybe bipolar . a social worker report for ct said  bm was on aunty depressants 

july 2012 bm was put to NIL!! contact at court bm did not fight it and agreed to it i was really shocked and very happy lol . i told bm as I'm a soft hearted person i would update her twice a year and allow her to keep sending emails that i would keep to kids are adults . bm email clearly show she dose not know what nil means :/ and social work report she her mental health maybe getting worse 

month after my kids were put to nil i was told bm had thrown a fit over poor ct and now was cutting her off from h and herself . the foster care all so handed in her notes saying bm had put her off fostering for life !

bm is allowed email only with ct but a soical worker must check the emails 1st 

and that up to now the adoption it moving forward we see bm parents and sister there nice and they no longer talk to bm . 

sd and ss are now 9 and 11 and my boys are 2 and 4 

I'm in every way the 4 kids mum and the adoption will just be the iceing on the top of the cake. its not been an easy road but my kids are worth it . and bm has made me life hell . 

i just went back to college to do photography and to my horror a 17 year old who is bm friend is in my class TYICAL ! lucky she seams nice . also i have problems with one of my knees taht causes me a lot of pain but bm has no idear . i love to say its all gona be fine now but allready looks like she trying to make that 17

i dont know is ss will ever want to know about bm he still seams to really hate her  




NicholeEva
by on Sep. 24, 2012 at 1:43 PM

How did your kids handle the inconsistency of her? Was she allowed to talk to them whenever? My oldest (6) has been having some emotional issues, started wetting bed again, and is overly sensitive. He starts counseling next week, hopefully he starts to feel better. We feel that he is so worried if he screws up, that daddy or I will leave like Bio Mom has always done. I try my best to re assure him that we would never leave him and we love him so very much.  I would like to come up with a name that they could call her, she has been mommy for so long that I almost feel bad saying no you can't call her that anymore. Any suggestions and what we can refer to her as? Youngest son refers to her by her first name around us.

Quoting RoddaMom:

I have four adopted step children :) They started calling me Mom right away because I think they were so DESPERATE for a mother and their cousin (5) pointed out to them that I would be a Mommy when their Daddy and I got married :) Their bio-mom hasn't been consistently in their lives either but is coming around a little bit more now. She is Kootenai (native american tribe) and the word for Mom in Kootenia is Kama... so they call her Kama and me, Mom... which is way less confusing! We were both having a hard time with the kids calling us both Mom because she never sees them unless I am there so we would both be answering them lol so I'm glad we figured something out. Now that they are adopted and I don't have to worry about custody battles (which she would lose since she has been addicted to drugs for the last 10 years), or the kids not thinking I am their mom (they know who is there for them and loves them!) I don't mind her coming around every once in a while. I think the kids do need to know her a little bit but there was a while where my oldest sone refused to see her and that was fine too. I think the most important thing you can do is just BE there for them, no matter what. Good luck to you and if you have any questions you can message me any time!


RoddaMom
by on Sep. 24, 2012 at 2:29 PM

She was VERY inconsistent. In fact when I was pregnant with our first biological child all of the kids except my oldest were asking me questions about "when they were in my belly too" which prompted the subject of how they weren't in my tummy and that they do have another mom out there. I like to tell them that they didn't grow in my belly but they did grow in my heart :) No she was not allowed to talk to them whenever and has just very recently (within the last couple of weeks) started to see them again. The reason she could not talk to them whenever is because she used to say bad things about my husband and I, their other grandparents, etc. to the kids which is very inappropriate and after that phase she would promise them things and they would never happen. She was not happy when we limited and then ended phone calls but we explained the reasoning and repeatedly told her we were just trying to protect the kids. So far she has not said anything bad about any of us (only good things, yay!) and has kept every promise to the kids. Although if she stops keeping promises again I will ask her not to make them in the first place. It took me forever to think of another name for the kids to call her and it was wonderful that I thought of the one that I did but unless your kids biomom speaks another language or is from a different culture I don't know if you can go that route. Maybe you can talk to your kids about it? When my uncle had step-children they called him "spare dad" but the situation was different because the bio-dad was a responsible dad who was in the picture.

Quoting NicholeEva:

How did your kids handle the inconsistency of her? Was she allowed to talk to them whenever? My oldest (6) has been having some emotional issues, started wetting bed again, and is overly sensitive. He starts counseling next week, hopefully he starts to feel better. We feel that he is so worried if he screws up, that daddy or I will leave like Bio Mom has always done. I try my best to re assure him that we would never leave him and we love him so very much.  I would like to come up with a name that they could call her, she has been mommy for so long that I almost feel bad saying no you can't call her that anymore. Any suggestions and what we can refer to her as? Youngest son refers to her by her first name around us.

Quoting RoddaMom:

I have four adopted step children :) They started calling me Mom right away because I think they were so DESPERATE for a mother and their cousin (5) pointed out to them that I would be a Mommy when their Daddy and I got married :) Their bio-mom hasn't been consistently in their lives either but is coming around a little bit more now. She is Kootenai (native american tribe) and the word for Mom in Kootenia is Kama... so they call her Kama and me, Mom... which is way less confusing! We were both having a hard time with the kids calling us both Mom because she never sees them unless I am there so we would both be answering them lol so I'm glad we figured something out. Now that they are adopted and I don't have to worry about custody battles (which she would lose since she has been addicted to drugs for the last 10 years), or the kids not thinking I am their mom (they know who is there for them and loves them!) I don't mind her coming around every once in a while. I think the kids do need to know her a little bit but there was a while where my oldest sone refused to see her and that was fine too. I think the most important thing you can do is just BE there for them, no matter what. Good luck to you and if you have any questions you can message me any time!



KKrumShaw
by on Sep. 24, 2012 at 3:43 PM

I am a birth mother who was blessed to adopt my step son.  Becuase I know FIRST HAND some of the feelings and emotions a birth mother lives through I've always tried to keep as much contact as is healthy for my son.  HOWEVER with that said I did close the adoption for a period of 18 months.  We found out about some abuse that had happened and my anger was OUT OF CONTROL!  I'm working on building a relationship with his birth family but their disfunction is AMAZING!

LucyHarper
by on Sep. 25, 2012 at 12:14 AM

I met my son when he was 18 months, married his father when he was three, and adopted him earlier this year, he's now four. My husband has had full custody since he was 18 months and his biological mother had supervised visits. She barely ever came, would see him for an hour once every few months even though she lives in the same town. She told me that she had never wanted to be a mom and even though she loves him, she just doesn't feel like his mother and doesn't want to be. She terminated her rights and I adopted. I met him when he was in the hospital at 18 months for lung damage and infected second degree burns from a fire and I loved him from the moment I saw him. I was willing to be no more than a stepmother if he didn't want to accept me as a mom, but as he grew older, I was the only mom in his life, and he made it clear to me that he wanted me to be his mom. He calls me mama, his choice, I am his mother, and I love him as my own child. We want his biological mother to be a part of his life, so he will know who she is, to make it easier for him, so since the adoption she will on occasion send a letter, but thats about it. I am thankful that he doesn't remember what he went through living with her.

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