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Adoptive Moms Adoptive Moms

I'm afraid to hope...any advice or words of wisdom? :)

Posted by on Sep. 30, 2012 at 2:35 PM
  • 10 Replies

Hi!  My hubby & I are currently in the 'waiting' process of adopting.  'Our' baby girl is due in late Jan-early Feb.  I'm so very hopeful one moment but almost panicked the next.  The beautiful birth mom has 2 other children but only custody of one & doesn't have any way to support her current child, let alone another.  She seems pretty confident that her mind is made up.  BUT, I know things can change & it's the chance we all open ourselves up to when we choose adoption.

I guess my thought or question is...will she want to keep this child because she has other children...can a birth mom be that confident?...any ideas on how to hang in & hopeful for the next 4 months?....has anyone adopted from a b-mom who has had other children? 

Another thought....should we wait to start getting a baby room ready...how did all of you handle this uncertainty?  ....baby shower in a couple of months...is this silly to do before birth?

Thank you so much for any ideas or advice you might have!  I'm so thankful to have found a forum like this.

 

by on Sep. 30, 2012 at 2:35 PM
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Replies (1-10):
meam4444
by on Sep. 30, 2012 at 3:14 PM

Welcome to the group.  While I have yet to adopt, here is bump for your post.  I hope you get the support you need in this group.

HopefulAmommy
by on Sep. 30, 2012 at 4:26 PM

Thanks so much!

feralkitten
by on Sep. 30, 2012 at 4:48 PM
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i guess all you can do is start setting up baby room but keep it generic so if this falls threw you can use it for you next baby.

i personal would not have a baby shower and instead have an adoption party


HopefulAmommy
by on Sep. 30, 2012 at 6:18 PM
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An adoption party!  That's a fantastic idea...!  Thank you for the great idea.  That would either give us a chance to introduce her to everyone.  Or, save ourselves even more heartache having to look at everything if this isn't meant to be. 

This has lightened my spirit.  I truly appreciate your comment.

feralkitten
by on Sep. 30, 2012 at 6:34 PM

i'm always here to try and help but i myself are a step adoption. i love reading all the story of babies being adopted i think it super existing and hopefully in a   years time you be looking back on this with your baby giving other advices :)

maggiemom2000
by Bronze Member on Sep. 30, 2012 at 11:18 PM
My cousin adopted from a mom who had another baby. I think that in some ways it is less risky because she knows the reality of raising a child. She knows first hand how hard it is, and what she is giving up. The fact that she has lost custody of one child and is choosing to give up another is another point in your favor. Nit that it eliminates all risk, but I think it helps.

Our DD was a. Safe surrender baby (we adopted out of foster care) and we knew that there was a "cooling off" period where mom could come back and change her mind, then 45 days until the legal termination if parental rights. We brought baby home from the hospital and I always had in the back of my mind that it was possible she would be taken from us.

I did know that the mom had a 5 yr old child and that there was an open CPS case on him. This made me think that there was little chance she would change her mind. She knew what she was doing when she gave up DD at the hospital.

We did not know that we were getting DD until the day we actually got her, so there was no baby shower. We has a room set up with a crib and a bed as we were prepared to take 1-2 children from ages 0-5. I also had an assortment of hand-me-down clothes in a variety of sizes so that I had something.

My friend threw us a baby shower a few weeks after we brought her home. It was big fun and a great chance for all of my friends to get to meet her.

I think it does not hurt to have the bare minimum if gender neutral baby gear (crib, car seat, pack of diapers and wipes etc.). Even if this one falls through your baby is out there. Once you know you have your baby in your arms then you can worry about the rest!
SamsMomSays
by on Sep. 30, 2012 at 11:18 PM
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Our son's birthmom found us when she was 4 months pregnant. So many people told us we were "wasting our time" because who wants to "deal with the rollercoaster for all those months".
They were all wrong! We have a beautiful, happy, healthy son and we were there for his delivery. I have pictures and letters from his birthmom for him when he is older. Every situation is totally different, but two of my close friends' children both had birthmoms who had children already. That was a complicated thought... What I meant was, I've seen at least a couple (actually 5 now that I think about it) where the birthmoms had older children. In my opinion, I was actually nervous because our son's bmom did NOT have other children. I think that a woman who has given birth and experienced parenting is making a more informed decision.
The best advice I can give having been in your shoes, don't over think things. Don't read meaning into every little thing. I would stress everything and assume there was a reason or look for signs.
Just breathe. And breathe. And breathe. :) and when you hyperventilate, breathe more slowly. It WILL happen. Hopefully with this situation, but if not, another. The child who comes home to you WILL be the child you are meant to be parents to.
We got a neutral nursery ready about a month before our son was born. And I'm not gonna lie, I bought a few things and registered. :). But I reminded myself, this is for A baby. Not necessarily this one.
Personally, I would not have a shower. I do know a woman who had one and then the birthmom decided to parent.
Get a car seat. You need that for any baby to leave the hospital. Your friends and family will "shower" you when you bring baby home and you will get all that you need and then some!
After you are home and can breathe (probably a couple of months :) ) have a party and celebrate your family's addition. Have a party for what is, not what might be!
Then you will truly celebrate without nerves overshadowing.
Ooooh, I "talk" a lot, but I still look at my son and so vividly remember random bursts of hysteria "is this really gonna happen" and "I can't take another holiday without a baby". But I promise, though you remember the anxiety, it all seems a distant past VERY quickly! Especially when you are up every three hours, feeding. :)
Feel free to PM me if you want to vent. Obviously I've been there and am happy to listen and remind you to breathe.

Good luck!!
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aprilz1225
by Silver Member on Oct. 1, 2012 at 9:11 AM

 I think you are being realistic and not blind to the process. Just keep in mind that in some states a birthmom has up to 30 days to change their minds.. I screened every phone call i was so afraid. do you have a post placement communication plan in place. Maybe if you go over that with her every once in awhile it will help you both.

spizzarks1978
by on Oct. 2, 2012 at 10:55 AM

I wish you all the best of luck hugs

eoewan
by on Oct. 2, 2012 at 11:01 AM

How exciting!...my only advice is stay positive!

I had a family get together instead of a shower to introduce Nye to family that hadn't met him yet...it was great fun!

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