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Advice for explaining to my husband....

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how I feel about our children's birth mom. (I have four step-parent adopted kids and one biological baby) Our children's biological mother has not been in their lives at all for the last five years because she has been on drugs. Over a year ago she consented to let me adopt them. Since then she has remarried and has two beautiful step children. For the last five years I have not wanted her to be involved in their lives at all because she was abusing drugs and alchohol and would talk badly of my husband and I and our families the one time a year she got to see the kids. She has come to see the kids four or five times the last month and she doesn't seem like the same person! She is respectful, sober, and her step kids (who ironically only have her in their life and they refer to her as mom) are little angels, which I'm sure you know is impressive at the ages of 3 and 4 :) My husband and his family (not my family) are very upset that she is trying to come back into their lives. I think that it is important that the kids know where they come from and I do not feel like if she is in their lives it will cause problems. The more people that love and support my children the better! Also their biomom is tribal (we live on a reservation) and my kids are first line descendants so I think it is important for them to know their heritage. Do you think I am crazy for feeling like it is OK if biomom and her family come to dinner once a week, attend the kids sporting events, go hunting with us, etc.? If there was any sign that she was back on drugs or being a bad influence on the kids I would want to limit visitiations more but I really feel like the right thing to do is to let her be a part of their lives. Do you have any suggestions on how I can explain this to my husband and his family? Right now it feels like it is me and her against them and I do not want it to be that way. I just want everyone to try to get along and be a positive influence in the kids' life!!!!

by on Oct. 1, 2012 at 3:54 PM
Replies (11-13):
by on Oct. 8, 2012 at 4:07 PM

Thank you that is very good advice! You sound like a wonderful mother and person :)

Quoting NicholeEva:

I am in sorta the same situation. Birth mom has (in my eyes) changed from when I first came into the picture. I want to give her a shot at keeping a relationship with me and talking to me as much as she likes, and when the time comes have a relationship with my son. My husband on the other hand does not feel the same way at all. I cam into picture when son was 17 months, and dh was only with her for couple years. Family hates her etc. I try to explain that people can change, look at him he has changed since I met him.

It is tough though, as PP have said how will this affect your children? My son does not have a healthy view of his bio mom and is attending counseling for it now. We are leaving it up to his counselor on whether she believes he is up to face to face contact or even phone contact. My husband always thinks of BM as the one that did everything wrong in his eyes, that was constantly betrayed, etc. He can't get past what she did in the past. Have her build a relationship with you and your hubby before you bring  the kids into it is my advice. I gave BM a "goal" she stays in contact with us for so long, and its healthy, consistent contact then she can start having face to face with us, if those go well and are consistent then we can move to phone convo with son, and if those go well and consistent then we can move onto visitations. Just gives DH something to look at how she has changed, like" wow So and so has stayed in contact, has called when she has said she would, maybe she has changed." That has helped me a lot with my DH, I also tell him how important it is for DS to have a relationship with Bio-Mom as long as its a healthy one, that the more people that love him the better!!

Good Luck!

by on Oct. 8, 2012 at 4:09 PM
1 mom liked this

I agree that we should go more slowly and have been. I understand how much they were hurt by her but I don't think that, that means they should have the right to say that the kids should not know that they have another Mom or be able to ever see her. Thank you for your input :)

Quoting raleyfamily:

I'm going to suggest there is more to this than you are seeing.  This birthmom made a big mess of dad and the kids lives, likely.  He married (?) her and had four children with her, and what happened?  She was addicted and messed things up to the point he had to take the kids and leave her?  It must have been awful for him.  I imagine your husband has some pretty bad memories and some bad feelings about all this.  I don't think it's very fair to expect him to have dinner with her once a week, and go hunting with you.  I'm sure he feels like she does not deserve to be included so much after all she did to them.

At this point, I think you should back off and go MUCH more slowly.  Your husband and his family lived all this, you came along afterwards.  Their feelings are valid, and should be respected.

by on Oct. 8, 2012 at 4:14 PM

My oldest son is the only one who remembers her. We just had a baby and the other three kids were talking about "how they were in my tummy too" and I had to remind them that they had another Mom. I have visited about her with my oldest son and to sum it up he told me that he would like to see her every once in a while but he doesn't expect anything from her. (He is 11) She has come over the last month to visit a few times and the kids (11, 9, 8, 5) have not asked about her since the last time she came. Luckily my oldest son's memories are mainly of before his other Mom was on drugs so they are happy ones. When she started doing drugs he stayed with his grandparents a lot. The other three kids were hurt by her addiction (they all have health issues due to her drug abuse) but they are not aware of it. I'm not looking forward to that discussion if it ever occurs. Luckily their health has improved a ton and only one will have slight health issues in the future :)

Quoting SarahSuzyQ:

Also, how old are your kids? What are their feelings about BM, her past behavior, their relationship, etc? Just wondering where they fall on all this, as they too were hurt by her addiction.

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