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Advice on resenting the birth mom...

Posted by on Oct. 9, 2012 at 2:39 PM
  • 5 Replies

I am in the process of adopting my four year old nephew. I've had custody of him since he was 20 months old and it's been a lot of ups and downs. The adoption is scheduled for November 2 of this year. He has been my son since the day I got him.

He doesn't even remember my sister as his mother. She was abusive and neglectful of him. She was on drugs and was all around a terrible mother. My parents adopted her first son just months before she gave birth to the second (mine). She has now started to get her life together and has been clean for about a year, which is wonderful. I often find myself being resentful though. She has never worked a full time job. She's been on SSI forever. She gets all kinds of government assistance.

I am raising a child she gave birth to, but she has never contributed anything to his upbringing except a lot of behavior problems and more than likely some horrible genetics. Actually there has never been any kind of support for my boy from anywhere.

I am in a horrible place in my life. I have been out of work for two years now, am ready to seperate from my husband but cannot afford it and am fighting a battle of behaviors with a four year old. Life is very complicated and messy, but I find myself hating my sister for putting an added responsibility on me. I love my boy and would not give him up for anything, but I don't know what to do to get over this resentment. I don't want it to rub off on him in any way. Advice, anyone?

by on Oct. 9, 2012 at 2:39 PM
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by on Oct. 9, 2012 at 4:54 PM

I have hard feeling toward my step daughter that she didn't step up and be a mom and how can she not step up and be a mom. Even with Emileigh two yrs old how does she want to not really be in  her life BUT never have I ever had any hard feeling toward her cause she hasn't supported Emileigh. Emileigh has been OURS from day one so she is our responsibility. I don't see how you can resent her for not supporting (Your words) YOUR son. If you can't afford to take this on then don't. See if your mom can adopt this child too then the two kids can be together cause they are siblings. The money only gets to be more and more as they get older with school stuff and yearly things they need.

by on Oct. 9, 2012 at 6:57 PM
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I think, and you probably know, that you are very unhappy, and are dumping all your feelings on your sister.  You have several bad things here - no job, an unhappy marriage, while your sister is more free and clear to live her life, and is getting help, besides!  If you can see things as they really are, you can put more energy into making the things that are really wrong, right.  Don't give any more brain space to your sister!

by on Oct. 9, 2012 at 7:20 PM
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It's easy sometimes for all of us to heve a "it's not fair" moment...the thing to remember is your life is so much fuller for the decisions you've made where as your sister was stunted in time due to her addictions...your life is and will be so much more rewarding than hers. Sorry that your marriage is failing but that too adds to the fullness of your life and experiences and another event that you will learn and grow from.

cheers, donna

by Bronze Member on Oct. 9, 2012 at 9:59 PM
I'm sorry that you are so down. I'm not sure how to handle the resentment except to realize that she LOST a son and though her life may "seem" grand on the surface, she has many other problems to deal with. They just may not be the ones that you are dealing with.

I agree with raleyfamily that it's easy to place blame rather than to take responsibility for our own decisions. Been there, done that. You chose to bring him into your home and care for him as your own. I'm sure that he's brought you joy between those tough behaviors. BTW, it's normal for behaviors to escalate just before/after adoptions. It's a stressful time for us and the children sense that. You might even be advertently adding to his behaviors because there is a lot of emotional distress going on in your/his home.

I'm wondering how your DH feels about your nephew/son. Is the upcoming adoption (and the past 4 years of drama) something that is causing strife between the two of you? I am glad that you have been there for him and been a constant in his life. Hopefully things will settle down soon. Also, have you considered counseling? Do think you might be suffering from a bit of depression? Maybe you haven't been taking care of yourself as well as you did when you were working? If we don't take care of ourselves, it's harder to take care of our family. Good luck and hope you get to feeling better. :)

PS-I always say that kinship adoptions are the hardest because there are so many more family dynamics involved. God bless you for stepping up for this little boy.
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by on Oct. 10, 2012 at 10:39 AM
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I don't have anything to add to what has been said above, though I will add my condolences for all that is happening in your life right now... That's a lot for any one person to be dealing with, and the tough 4yo behavior adds to it. (Did I mention that my son is also 4?)

Are your parents able to be any help during this time, or do you have friends you can lean on? Perhaps you can arrange for your son to spend an afternoon elsewhere to give you a break, or maybe share a meal with another family? I know for me sometimes little breaks can make a huge difference. And I agree with doodle that it might be time to consider counseling, too... You can't help anyone else swim until you get your own life jacket on, right?
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