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Adoptive Moms Adoptive Moms

Birth parents and Granparents want to visit!

Posted by on Oct. 22, 2012 at 2:42 PM
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Hi! I am hoping for some feedback from adoptive parents who have visits from birth parents. Our birth mom called and asked if we would let her parents visit  while our daughter is still little.(she is 8 months). Then also asked if her and the birth father could also visit. I have always thought it would be good so she could see how happy our daughter is and well cared for, but I am having some anxiety about will she want visits every year? We have always discussed that our daughter will know she is adopted and it will always be discussed and explained to her. I have just been having concerns about how I will feel after  and if we should meet at our home or elsewhere. We share phone calls and photos and they send gifts, so it is a somewhat open adoption. Our birth mom said she wants a relationship with my husband and I and want to be friends. I feel close to her and spend sometimes several hours on the phone laughing nd sharing recipes and such, but  guess I am a little confused about my feelings suddenly. 

Thanks! for reading my long questions

by on Oct. 22, 2012 at 2:42 PM
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Replies (1-10):
socalkatt
by Member on Oct. 22, 2012 at 3:10 PM

BUMP!

feralkitten
by on Oct. 22, 2012 at 3:31 PM
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my main advices is do not do it at your home

lilsweetpea708
by Member on Oct. 22, 2012 at 3:32 PM
I have open adoptions and my oldest son is 5. We just had his birth momma and her boyfriend (not the birth father)over 2 weeks ago for our sons b'day. It one of the most special relationships I have. I treasure it and always look forward to the next time and pray it won't be a year away. I think if you get along so great, you should try it. Its sounds as if they are not a danger to your family and they respect your space, since she is 8 months and they are just asking now. You probably will be very happily surprised at how it will make you feel once you have a visit and no longer have the anxiety of the unknown. We also enjoy sibling,grandparent and great grandparent, aunts, uncles, cousin visits as well!! If both sides have the best interest of the child at heart and mutual respect the relationship grows and your family does too!! I know really open is not for everyone, but it sounds as if you have a great start and something to build on. There is nothing in the world like having a relationship with the people that made you a mom. Any questions just ask.
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feralkitten
by on Oct. 22, 2012 at 3:33 PM

they good point about her being wee is you can do this contact and see how you feel she to little to mind it anyway just now . and you can get some photo of her with her birth family for you to keep when she is older. 

def take photo of them holding her she thank you for that later 

lilsweetpea708
by Member on Oct. 22, 2012 at 3:36 PM
I have visits in my home all the time, for a week at a time, we are all doing just fine. We have gone on vacations and have gone to their houses times and their families houses numerous times and there and has never been a problem. May I ask why you don't think it's a good idea?

Quoting feralkitten:

my main advices is do not do it at your home

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feralkitten
by on Oct. 22, 2012 at 3:44 PM
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i find children need a safe zone and with it being a 1st contact doing it in a public place not associated with anyone i feel is best. that way the child dose not assisted her home with contact or and upset ( not that I'm saying there will be any )

also having someone in your home can be stressful and you may feel there looking at everything a neutral zone means you can feel more relaxed 

i just think all around its best to start neutral and go from there. there lots of great play places you can go and things and if the get on great then later on contact can be arranged in the home 

but i do have problems with my birth mum and my boy dose have rad so i have to think a lot about safe zone and things and my birth mum is now nil contact 

lilsweetpea708
by Member on Oct. 22, 2012 at 9:26 PM
Good point. Whatever makes you and your child comfortable. It doesn't matter so much as where just that you would give it a try.


Quoting feralkitten:

i find children need a safe zone and with it being a 1st contact doing it in a public place not associated with anyone i feel is best. that way the child dose not assisted her home with contact or and upset ( not that I'm saying there will be any )

also having someone in your home can be stressful and you may feel there looking at everything a neutral zone means you can feel more relaxed 

i just think all around its best to start neutral and go from there. there lots of great play places you can go and things and if the get on great then later on contact can be arranged in the home 

but i do have problems with my birth mum and my boy dose have rad so i have to think a lot about safe zone and things and my birth mum is now nil contact 

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SarahSuzyQ
by Sarah on Oct. 22, 2012 at 10:03 PM
I want to add that I think your nerves are understandable. It's a new situation for everyone, and there aren't a lot of examples to follow.

But I tend to agree with PP that if your relationship so far has been as honest and respectful as you describe, starting visits so young will likely be a good next step. Just continue to be honest about where you are at, and try to keep everyone focused on making a plan that is best for your daughter. What works now may need to change when she's older, or it may go better than you can imagine.

Do they live nearby? Perhaps you could suggest meeting halfway if you're not comfortable having this first visit at home. A fair or a festival, maybe a pumpkin patch type thing? But I don't think it would necessarily be bad to have it at home either... Just depending on your comfort level, and the birth family's.

Will you let us know how it goes? I know many of us are unable to have open adoptions for safety or other reasons, but I think many of the moms in the group are very encouraged to hear stories from families who are making it work.
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KLove_Mom
by Kara on Oct. 22, 2012 at 11:15 PM

So as a future adoptive parent... I totally understand your nerves. I have thought about what would happen if the birth mom wanted an open relationship like that and with the grandparents. I'm not sure how I'd handle it. 

BUT... I'm also the "birth aunt" of a little girl given up for adoption a few years ago by my teen brother.

I know my mom (the birth grandma) still receives pictures at least yearly, but I know it breaks her heart not to be able to visit them and actually get to know that little girl.
You see, my mom provided foster care for many children over the years when I was young, and actually still keeps in touch with some of those. They still call her mom when they talk.

I know she would be the kind of extended grandma that would be grateful that her grand-daughter had a loving, secure home.

So, if you get along with the birth mom so far, I encourage you to have a meeting with the grandparents. Get some pictures for sure.
And like PP said, then you can decide whether future visits are advisable over the years.

While your daughter is under a year old is probably actually the perfect time for this because she won't understand any of the language about this being a mom/grandma, etc. 

mommasbrat912
by Member on Oct. 23, 2012 at 12:20 AM

I think as long as the birthparents are not a danger to the child go for it. If you don't feel comfortable right now with it being in your home, find a neutral place you can sit and visit for a while comfortably.

As far as the grandparents, I say start with the parents first, if you are comfortable, after a while consider adding the grandparents.

As far as them wanting yearly, or even more visits, as long as it doesn't cause your child any harm, go as far as you are comfortable with. It can only benefit your daughter to know where she comes from, and to know that even though her biological parents felt they couldn't raise her, they didn't abandon her, they do love her and want to be a part of her life, and will always be accessable. And what a great example you could set for her. The true example of putting your childs needs above any feelings of being comfortable or not, and expanding your comfort zone to include the parents who gave her life. Good luck!

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