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Adoptive Moms Adoptive Moms

opinion

Posted by on Nov. 17, 2012 at 9:12 PM
  • 34 Replies

I'm new to this group, but I'm assuming most of you have adopted a child in some way. I couldn't find a group for moms who were adopted. I'll start with asking: If your child didn't know his/her biological parents at all. ex. closed adoption. Would it hurt your feelings if they wanted to search for them when they were older in their 20s? I know all adoptees have different stories and situations. Some people accept it better than others. I have a brother who was adopted and we both have very different views and experiences with it even though we grew up with the same parents.

by on Nov. 17, 2012 at 9:12 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Josie_P
by on Nov. 17, 2012 at 9:15 PM

No, it wouldn't. If my son wanted to know who is bio-mum is, I would help in his search. I think it's only natural for someone to know where they came from. 

MRLAdy
by Member on Nov. 17, 2012 at 9:22 PM
So it wouldn't make you feel like you weren't enough of a mom or like you failed at something? I worry my mom would get her feelings hurt even though she would never tell me that.


Quoting Josie_P:

No, it wouldn't. If my son wanted to know who is bio-mum is, I would help in his search. I think it's only natural for someone to know where they came from. 


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Josie_P
by on Nov. 17, 2012 at 9:28 PM
1 mom liked this

Not at all. I would be worried that my son would get hurt. His mum might not want to meet him, she may be dead. It is ultimately a decision that if he wants to make, he should.

Quoting MRLAdy:

So it wouldn't make you feel like you weren't enough of a mom or like you failed at something? I worry my mom would get her feelings hurt even though she would never tell me that.


Quoting Josie_P:

No, it wouldn't. If my son wanted to know who is bio-mum is, I would help in his search. I think it's only natural for someone to know where they came from. 



djmkmom
by Member on Nov. 17, 2012 at 9:34 PM

I wish I had information to give my sons about their BM.  There just wasn't any available to us.  All we know is her birthdate, and that her parental rights were terminated, and the date she died.   We have shared what we know with the boys who were 4 and 6 at time of adoption and are now 10 and 12.  They are from Russia and there just wasn't any information other than the facts.  I am sure there are as many different feelings about it all as there are people who have lived it.  I do believe that if a child/adult wants the information for their life to feel complete and known, they should get the chance to have it if possible.

SarahSuzyQ
by Sarah on Nov. 17, 2012 at 9:46 PM
I think it's understandable for someone to want to know more about their origins. I'm sure it will be emotional for all involved, but that doesn't mean you should avoid searching.

My son is in a semi-closed adoption (from foster care), but I do expect he may want to reconnect with his birth parents one day. And when that day comes, I hope he knows that I love and support him no matter what. It's not really about me at all, it's about his story and his journey... His needs come first.
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MRLAdy
by Member on Nov. 17, 2012 at 9:53 PM
That's sad. I have worried my birth mother may not still be living. That would be hard. I know her first name and some physical characteristics and a little background info from counseling at the time of the adoption. Nothing more Recent than 25 years ago.


Quoting djmkmom:

I wish I had information to give my sons about their BM.  There just wasn't any available to us.  All we know is her birthdate, and that her parental rights were terminated, and the date she died.   We have shared what we know with the boys who were 4 and 6 at time of adoption and are now 10 and 12.  They are from Russia and there just wasn't any information other than the facts.  I am sure there are as many different feelings about it all as there are people who have lived it.  I do believe that if a child/adult wants the information for their life to feel complete and known, they should get the chance to have it if possible.


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SarahSuzyQ
by Sarah on Nov. 17, 2012 at 9:53 PM
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Oh, by the way, there is a group here on CM called "Adoption for the Adoptee Point of View". Definitely worth checking out, as some of the members in that group have experience with reunion, searching, even deciding whether to search. And it's always very friendly and supportive.

I'm glad you found us here and I hope you will stick around. Although it's primarily adoptive moms in the group, we also have some adoptees, some first moms, and others who are touched by adoption. I really appreciate the opportunity to have such balanced discussions with everyone. And good luck with your search, whatever you decide. I hope you can do what will bring you peace, and that your conversations with your mom will be helpful to that end.
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AdoptingMommy
by on Nov. 17, 2012 at 9:53 PM
I have a close friend whos bmom wanted a closed adoption and she has searched for information but she literally walked in gave birth signed & told the hospital to figure it out. I couldnt imagine bc I love our dds birth family & want her (our dd) to know whatever she asks. it wouldnt hurt me bc im secure & try to view it from a adoptee pov not a selfish pov
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maggiemom2000
by Bronze Member on Nov. 17, 2012 at 10:52 PM

I would be more than happy to help my DD find her birthmom (or birth family)!

I grew up with 2 adopted sisters. Our parents were 100% supportive of them searching for their birth moms. One if my sisters has never been interested. My other sister was in the process of searching when she was killed in a car accident.

fourwantmore
by on Nov. 18, 2012 at 8:28 AM
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I have four.... All closed adoptions. My prayer is that they never want/need to search. HOWEVER, if they do... For any reason, I would want to know about it and would want to be involved. I have asked only that they never call anyone else mom. For me, that title is sacred to the one who is the booboo healer, tear wiper, Mac and cheese maker and day to day worrier. Just know that for me... These children were MINE from the first time I looked into their eyes.
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