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Adoptive Moms Adoptive Moms

"Older" adoptive moms - older sibling rivalry?

Posted by on Jan. 15, 2013 at 8:56 AM
  • 15 Replies

I have two older birth children, 31 and 32. We are foster parents and just recently finalized our adoption of Lizzy. We've had her for 18 months. Both of my older children, I swear they are dealing with jealousy! They deny it, but nothing else seems to explain their behavior. Of course they are overtly sweet and loving with their new sister, but I sense the jealousy ( a mother knows these things) and its coming out in other ways.

they did NOT prepare us for this, lol! Anyone else share this problem? Any suggestions or ideas?

giving mom gift

by on Jan. 15, 2013 at 8:56 AM
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Replies (1-10):
eoewan
by on Jan. 15, 2013 at 10:40 AM
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I went through this especially with my youngest dd (21) and  dil. Give it time and they will turn around. They will see that mum has enough love for everyone. Also, some of the jealousy comes from the fact that you are now more financially capable of doing and giving to the new lo then when they were younger. That too will turn around.

How old is Lizzy?

aprilz1225
by Silver Member on Jan. 15, 2013 at 10:41 AM
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 do they have kids? i was just wondering.. if they did they might be a little green over the time you spend with Lizzy and may feel that the grandkids are not get'n enough attention. Just a thought. i am no help only one age 7, waiting list for #2..he says he's ready to be a big brother and can't wait to read to the next one..lol i wonder how long that will last when the time comes...haha.

karraselle
by on Jan. 15, 2013 at 10:53 AM
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 I don't know what to tell you...I have a similar situation. I have two adult stepchildren and a 10 yr. old adopted dd (we've had her since 3 days old, we were foster parents as well). SS, 27 is awesome with dd and not jealous at all. SD, 29 has refused to have anything to do with us since the first time dh asked her to hold the baby (dd was 1 yr. old, this was two months after the adoption was finalized.) SD doesn't call or write. It seemed like a miracle when dh was invited to her wedding. But I think that was just a courtesy. She didn't speak to him at all durning the event...Don't know what to do about it. We figure she'll come around someday...we hope, anyway.

teaguen
by teaguen on Jan. 15, 2013 at 12:31 PM
1 mom liked this

 My older kids are 36, 34 and 27 - each of the boys has a  son, 13, 2 and 1.  We adopted our girls when they were 2 1/2 months and are now 10 and 6.  Have not experienced any green eyed monsters from the older ones.  Maybe it's because they are boys and we adopted girls or they have their own sons.  My youngest son was so cute with the girls when they were babies, he always got them cute stuff for birthday and holidays.  He was not a fan of holding them so young but is great when they started to talk and have conversations with him.  Since they all live in different states than we do, I would love to see them and the grandsons all together.  Maybe time will help them get used to having a new little sibling.

 

dbra
by on Jan. 16, 2013 at 8:08 AM

Thank you for the reassurance! Lizzy is 19 months now (today) and an absolute joy!

dbra
by on Jan. 16, 2013 at 8:19 AM

No, just cats, lol! And the cats are vERy spoiled.

I remember wanting to hide my third birth child, lol! He was a difficult birth and I was gone for 10 days to a hospital over an hour away, so by the time I was home for my first two 2 1/2 & 18 months then, they were rEAlly upset with me.

But this is so much different because they are of course mature and must feel guilty about it. 

My son was acting up when Lizzy was first placed with us and I was talking to the lady at the post office about it (we go there a lot) and she said "well I'll just pray that he can find his purpose in life so he can let you get on with yours." I repeated that in some fashion to my son and it seemed to work for awhile, lol!

i think I'm also dealing with the ignoble (not) judgement of 30 something's who are worse than teenagers in know-it-allness!

dbra
by on Jan. 16, 2013 at 8:23 AM

Oh my, Karaselle, it sounds like I have it easy! I'll pray your gal comes round. 

SarahSuzyQ
by Sarah on Jan. 16, 2013 at 8:31 AM
1 mom liked this

I have a friend who's in the "older sibling" position of this, and I do think it's challenging for her... I've never seen hide nor hair of jealousy, but I know the parents talked with all the older kids A LOT when the siblings (3 & 4) were first placed with them, and then again after TPR about adoption.

I know the relationship with their parents has changed significantly, as has the grandparent relationship for my friend's kids. They had years of adult parent relationship, and now it often seems more like peers parenting. They can still have the parents help with childcare, but it's very different than just asking for a weekend at Grammy's. Or even calling your mom to ask for emotional support and her having to hop off the phone to stop a tantrum... Etc.

Have any of your kids ever been willing to talk about why this might be hard for them, even without using the J word (jealousy)? I wonder if it would help to reach out and just let them know that you realize this has impacted them, not that it changes you being Lizzy's mom, but just to open the door and try to get some of this out in the open?

ETA: My friend (and her siblings) love the kids. There is no question, they are family. I hope your adult children feel the same way, even if there are some bumps along the road.

aprilz1225
by Silver Member on Jan. 16, 2013 at 8:54 AM
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 oh, momma hugs, thas rough

Quoting karraselle:

 I don't know what to tell you...I have a similar situation. I have two adult stepchildren and a 10 yr. old adopted dd (we've had her since 3 days old, we were foster parents as well). SS, 27 is awesome with dd and not jealous at all. SD, 29 has refused to have anything to do with us since the first time dh asked her to hold the baby (dd was 1 yr. old, this was two months after the adoption was finalized.) SD doesn't call or write. It seemed like a miracle when dh was invited to her wedding. But I think that was just a courtesy. She didn't speak to him at all durning the event...Don't know what to do about it. We figure she'll come around someday...we hope, anyway.

 

dbra
by on Jan. 17, 2013 at 10:06 AM
1 mom liked this

Thats funny you mention "peers" parenting. I have no grandbabies, but my son did write my first name on my Christmas card instead of Mom. I told him I wanted to be called Mom and he said I was being silly, all his friends did it (omg, I'm still hearing tHAT??? lol!).

I've always been an authoritative parent (as opposed to authoritarian), and you can call me old school, but I am most certainly nOT their peer, I'm their mother and I want and deserve that respect. Maybe thats more of what we're dealing with?

I'll definitely be having more conversations with them around this, and I don't use the j word, lol! But there is something going on... kids never stop challenging us, do they, lol!?

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