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Adoptive Moms Adoptive Moms

I'm at the end of the wait but this process is sooooo frustrating Update 1-23

Posted by on Jan. 18, 2013 at 4:13 PM
  • 9 Replies

 Everything with adopting our two younger ones has gone so smoothly until about a month ago. First of all the foster mom got jealous and filed a complaint against us.  It was all lies!  So our visits stopped until we could get it sorted out.  (they've started back up)  She didn't like it that the kids were calling us mom and dad already.  It took them 3 visits.  Most of it was probably our other kids calling us mom and dad  anyway.  :(  so then they were trying to expedite the process but our state is slow as molasses.  The file sat for 3 weeks on someones desk.  NOW they finally got the file done (they've had since NOvember) and sent it back through.  As soon as the state gets it they can come home.  Which they thought would be Thursday but here we are still waiting on my state to get with it.  I am so fed up with my state.   :(   They just take months to do what could be done in a couple of days.  The other state is fed up with our state too.  I understand they are busy people but I HATE that my kids are across state lines with a woman who is lying about us...maybe even to the kids.  (the lies in the complaintwere crazy!!!!)  Whats crazy is that she doesn't even want them!  I am stressed but they could come home any day so I am trying to remain positive. Just had to get that out.   I'm ready, the kids are ready, My husband is ready.  This is the worst part of foster care adoption!  They could have been home by now and I guess thats what is bothering me the most.  Plus the plan to have open contact with the foster mom is kind of messed up now.  The case workers have advised us to not have any contact with her but it makes me so sad for the kids.  They ARE going to miss her.  I am really scared about that. Thanks for letting me vent.

We got a call last Friday saying that they'd be home this week but we haven't gotten a call this week to find out when.  Its driving me NUTS sitting by the phone!  Also foster mom complained again about us and said that she outright asked us to add her on facebook and we said no.  She said that she also asked if she could have pictures and updates and we said no.  That is a flat out lie!  In fact when we talked to her the first few times I was the one who mentioned adding her on facebook and keeping it open, because I WANTED to! I was to the point where I was going to let it all go and allow the kids to skype her but I'm honestly scared to.  I'll let you know when they call.  I have hope we will hear something this week but date number 3 has come and gone...again so its definitely getting old.

by on Jan. 18, 2013 at 4:13 PM
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Replies (1-9):
SarahSuzyQ
by Sarah on Jan. 18, 2013 at 4:21 PM
Wow, I can see why you are discouraged! :-( Can you call up the chain of command until your state kicks this paperwork into gear? It's ridiculous to drag this out when the kids need to be home with you.

As for contact with FM... Boy, if you know she's badmouthing you and lying, I'm not sure I'd want to let her continue to have influence in the kids' lives. Were you planning to take a good amount of time for family bonding before a visit anyway? I do know some families were unable to maintain contact with former fosters because their words and actions were unsupportive of the adoption. It's so frustrating when the focus should really be the kids and not the adults involved, anyway. :-\

Hang in there! Raise heck if you need to, call supervisors, etc. It's not at all out of the norm in the child welfare world to call up the chain of command because so many workers are totally overloaded.
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SarahSuzyQ
by Sarah on Jan. 18, 2013 at 4:22 PM
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And one more thing... (((HUGS))) to you! Looking forward to the post when you tell us about their move-in date, etc etc. It is coming!
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Mweddle
by on Jan. 18, 2013 at 5:04 PM

 Thank you so much!  Your reply really does make me feel better.  I know there is an end in sight but I just got really frustrated because they were supposed to be in our home YESTERDAY.  Before that it was Dec. 27.  I just don't understand FM because we really got along well when we met.  I liked her A LOT!  We will be doing a lot of family bonding.  I worry that they will be really conused because she told them that we were not their mom and dad and that she was their only mommy but then she said that they were making her life hell. .  :/  She said that IN FRONT of the case worker so that makes me wonder what she is saying when nobody is around.  I'm so sad about it.  I am complaining a lot but I know how blessed we are.  This process in comparison is a lot shorter than some others so I know that but I am sooooo ready and it just seems like they are not on the ball at all!

harmony7
by on Jan. 18, 2013 at 5:49 PM

 I am so sorry, it took 10 months from the time the boys were said to be ours until they actually moved and that was an IN state adoption!!..I do know how frustrating it is...I wanted the boys to have the fosters in their lives too, it was very important or so I thought. They had lived with them for 4 years...but once we got the boys home and they started unwinding the abuse they suffered both physical and emotional was almost as severe as the bio parents. They were homesick at first and we did have a few phone calls with the fosters but it was not long before the boys did not want to look back. They do talk about them from time to time with good memories now they have been able to file the bad ones away.

How old are the children? I cant wait until you get them home either! Keep us posted and vent away!

Pam in Alabama
A Mom to nine sons and one daughter with five still at home
MamaEngineer
by Member on Jan. 18, 2013 at 7:32 PM
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Oh, the ineptitude of the state! Don't get me started. I sympathize. Climb the chain of command, I have done this 3 times in the last 12 months.

It has got to be agonizing to be so close and just waiting! Prayers the paperwork gets moving so the kids can move in.
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Mweddle
by on Jan. 18, 2013 at 8:38 PM

 oh man 10 months would be TORTURE!  They are 3 and 4. 

Quoting harmony7:

 I am so sorry, it took 10 months from the time the boys were said to be ours until they actually moved and that was an IN state adoption!!..I do know how frustrating it is...I wanted the boys to have the fosters in their lives too, it was very important or so I thought. They had lived with them for 4 years...but once we got the boys home and they started unwinding the abuse they suffered both physical and emotional was almost as severe as the bio parents. They were homesick at first and we did have a few phone calls with the fosters but it was not long before the boys did not want to look back. They do talk about them from time to time with good memories now they have been able to file the bad ones away.

How old are the children? I cant wait until you get them home either! Keep us posted and vent away!

 

meam4444
by on Jan. 21, 2013 at 12:43 PM

 Aww I'm sorry to hear mama.  ((hugs))  Will say a prayer for you that it all works out.

SarahSuzyQ
by Sarah on Jan. 24, 2013 at 10:26 AM

I just saw this update... Are you thinking that you will just cut ties with FM at this point? It seems like she will undermine your role as mom in every way she can, which is really sad... She's making choices that will lead to yet another loss for the kiddos, but you have to protect them first. :(

I hope you hear something soon. Thanks for the reminder to keep praying for your situation, for your kids, and for expediency.

Mweddle
by on Jan. 24, 2013 at 11:27 AM

 I honestly don't know what else to do but cut ties.  :(  I didn't want it to be that way.  I worry for my babies.  They called us late friday (around 7) and said we didn't need to have our visit Monday because they were probably coming home Wed or Thursday and its thursday and we haven't even gotten a phone call.   I don't know what to think.  I know I'm sick of not knowing.   Thank you for the prayers.  I really appreciate them   I have no idea what the FM is telling the babies and I just want them to be here.  I'm sure everyone has felt this way before so I know I'm not alone.  I am so thankful to be a part of this group.

Quoting SarahSuzyQ:

I just saw this update... Are you thinking that you will just cut ties with FM at this point? It seems like she will undermine your role as mom in every way she can, which is really sad... She's making choices that will lead to yet another loss for the kiddos, but you have to protect them first. :(

I hope you hear something soon. Thanks for the reminder to keep praying for your situation, for your kids, and for expediency.

 

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