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Birthmother surfaces after 2.5 years

Posted by on Jan. 18, 2013 at 8:23 PM
  • 15 Replies

What to do? My son is almost 8, he was adopted at birth. He tested positive for exposure to meth and was taken from bm immediately after that discovery. Later we found out she is bipolar and used and drank during her pg. our son is diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety/mood disorder. He is so loving and trusting. Now out of the blue she is back with sweet talk and gifts :( she has been extremely nasty to me in the past, name calling etc. last time we spoke was 2.5 years ago, she blew up at me and yelled the entire conversation, all because she had the wrong date for his birthday and we were on vacation and did not call her back...10 days before his bday. The last time she saw him he was 3. She skipped out on the 4th year visit saying she was busy due to pg again, 5th year visit was when she blew up. I called our lawyer at that point and he said to discontinue communication that this relationship was not healthy for any of our children. Now I don't know what to do...I so badly wanted my son to know where he came from and feel comfortable with that. The items are at the lawyers office and they will forward them, so now what to do? I'm a wreck today...just too much to think about

Any suggestions? 


by on Jan. 18, 2013 at 8:23 PM
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by on Jan. 18, 2013 at 8:31 PM
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I agree it is not a healthy relationship for a child. When he hits 18 you could provide the bm's info at that time and tell him it is up to him whether he would want to attempt contact or not but i would also at that time be up front about the entire situation as you have explained it above. Good luck but i could not deal with a bm that was like that for the safety and wellness of my children or myself.

by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 12:28 AM

Thank you! Feels nice to know my thoughts on this are shared by others :) I just feel like it would really cause alot of undue stress on all of us and alot of anxiety for my son. He has ADHD and anxiety as it is, doesn't need another challenge at this young age.

Have a great weekend!

by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 6:19 PM
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There are ways to be connected to his past without having direct contact with bio mother. Photos and creating his life book to tell his story will keep that connection. My FS is 13 and we are using his life book to help him make sense of his early years because no one has explained to him why he came into the system or why his contact with his bio parents is the way it is. 

Protect your son and your family, contact can be made when he is much older.

by on Jan. 20, 2013 at 8:11 AM
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I agree with sydneysmommy, I would give the info at 18. That poor baby has been thru enough. You were nice enough to keep putting up with her before. Let it be. That's what I'd do
by on Jan. 20, 2013 at 1:08 PM

That is a hard spot to be in. We adopted our daughter. She will be 4 in April. She knows she's adopted and knows her birth Mom's name even. So far the birth Mom has not wanted anything to do with her. Now there are 5 kids total that she has. The two oldest are a girl and boy and they have different father's. Now the last thing I knew she did have some contact with them. Then comes a girl that my sister adopted. We are rednecks I say. Our daughter came from a cousin of my hubands. We have a son 13 and he was all I could have. Then there is a boy that is in between the two girls. The last 3 all have the same birth Dad. I would like to have some sort of open relationship with the birth Mom. She's never not been decent to me when I met her. We had our daughter in foster care to begin with. So we would meet for visits. Those became spare in the end. I know it has to be hard for her. Not to have any of your kids, but she did it to herself. She was trying to give up the drugs and drinking the last I knew. If it was me, I wouldn't want anything to do with her if she acted like that. Your poor baby has been through enough. It's a hard place to be in though it is.

by on Jan. 20, 2013 at 3:10 PM
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I think MamaEngineer has a good point, that there may be some benefit to your son if you are able to maintain some contact with bmom in a way that does not put him in the middle or allow him to be manipulated... It just doesn't sound like any kind of face-to-face visit would really be in your son's best interest. But perhaps you could offer to put her letters away for when he is older, and in the meantime you have a way to kind of keep tabs/keep connected for when he does have questions later on in life? Just a thought.

Your instinct to protect your son is a sound one, and I know it's really hard. We found ourselves in a similar situation recently with a gift being given via a third party, and having concerns about honesty/manipulation. We really do have to do what we can to protect our kids while still being honest and age-appropriate... Such a tricky balance.

by on Jan. 22, 2013 at 10:07 AM

Hav you considered she has changed? I am not saying she was healthy for you and your family 2.5 years ago, but who is she now. People do change, they make bad choices and then step up. Maybe you could get to know her now?

by on Jan. 22, 2013 at 3:25 PM

I have a similar situation. our BM to Christopher and Alannah hadn't seen Alannah since she was 3 months old, then nearly 2 years ago she saw her, now Alannah is almost 6, BM wanted to visit and allow the kids to see their brother, so I sat down with Bm and talked to her for a very long time before I allowed that to happen, asked her about her life, informed her that their could be contact on my terms, My rules would be followed, and then after I agreed I asked the kids how they felt (they have always known they were adopted) they don't know why they were put in care, I kept it "your bm was young and couldn't care for you and you needed a home forever" I have their case files when they are old enough we will talk about the truth, I never wanted them to hear me bad mouth bm or bd. this was the easiest way. I am torn because I do like to believe people change and can become better. drugs are a tricky situation but I know people can recover.

by on Jan. 27, 2013 at 8:52 PM she has not changed, the letters were horrible. She referred to him with a different name and as thouh he were in a home somewhere or something. How much she loves her little baby boy and referred to herself as his mommie. He does not know her and he will not be reading these letters anytime soon...had our 3 month visit with his psych last week and she said absolutely not....not now and not for many many years should this be brought up or should she be allowed to see him. It made me feel as though he is not my child :( I have been sick to my stomach since reading these letters but will keep them so later he can see for himself how she is not in touch with reality. I feel bad for my actually sad for him, later he will have so many questions and I am dreading that day. Just wanted to thank you for the kind words and update you 


by on Apr. 21, 2013 at 10:29 PM

I know how you feel, My 5 year old sons mother,just contacted me wanting to know if she could see him .Her and his father(she would even see him for her final visit before I adopted him.That was when he was 2 years old,and she has had 2 more children since then giving 1 up for adoption,and she want him to meet his sister.We are not family.He has 2 sisters,and 6 brothers.I feel she had the chance to be his mother,she pick her drugs,and I don't feel bad about the way I feel.He is in a very Loving Home,He's a Happy 5 year old.I don't need him confessed.

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