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Adoptive Moms Adoptive Moms

Help? Thinking of Adoption

Posted by on Jan. 22, 2013 at 1:41 PM
  • 6 Replies

So here is our story! My husband and I have friends of the family (this couple) who has been trying for a year or so  to have a child and now has been going through adoption for almost a year with no success at the moment! Lately all I have been thinking about is how deserving this couple is! This couple just so happens to be the people we have asked to be our daughters god parents! So I have discussed with my husband and we have just  told the ocuple that we are willing to have a child and allow them to adopt him or her!

I made an appointment today for FFeb 19th at 9am to have my implanon removed so if they decided it would be easier to try and concieve, if they decided no then I will be on another birthcontrol, probably pills. I have talked with my husband and we both are more then willing to go through this exsperience for this couple! They are amazing and deserve to be parents! They will be amazing parents!

When I talked to the couple yesterday they did not say no but they also did not say yes about the idea! All they said was that they wouldn't be able to ask us to do that! We are close to them but not super close. We do consider them family but their friends! We only see the couple like once a year which is on christmas! I know it will be really hard but it is something I have my heart on doing! I have my husband for complete support and a daughter of my own! I eventually want to have another child but not anytime soon! We want to have one a few more years down the road. 


I am here looking for thoughts on this! Another thing to this story is my mother in-law, she is ranting on how she is the grandma and will not abandan that grandchild of hers and will want to be in his/her life!

I will take all thoughts in mind but not completely too heart if they are not positive but feel free to add your thoughts because I am stumbled!

by on Jan. 22, 2013 at 1:41 PM
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Replies (1-6):
SarahSuzyQ
by Sarah on Jan. 22, 2013 at 2:48 PM
1 mom liked this

You sound like a very generous and caring person. No matter what happens, it sounds like this couple is very fortunate to have you as a friend.

We do have a couple of moms in the group who have been surrogates before, so perhaps they can tell you a little bit about the emotional and psychological experience of that process... I do know that there is typically some testing and prepapration that goes into carrying a baby for another family because it can be so demanding.

And there are also a lot of legal and health considerations... Covering costs, the possibility of a high-risk pregancy, health or other issues for you or the baby, etc. It's just really wise to proceed with caution and develop a written agreement with the other family. Before going forward with TTC, even if your friends do say yes, I would encourage you to meet with a lawyer.

Plus you would want to think through the issue of contact/openness to the adoption. Obviously your MIL is wanting to remain in touch, which is understandable if you are talking about using your and DH's sperm and egg for the baby. That child would be her grandchild; it would be your baby. That's a very different thing than carrying your friends' material, which would then be their biological child. 

I'm interested to hear what your friends might say... I am not in their position, but if I were, I would really carefully consider how something like this might impact what sounds like a very close friendship. After all, if you have different parenting styles or expectations, if something happens, etc. A year is not that long to wait for an adoption, so it's possible that they may want to keep moving in that direction at this point and not risk the friendship. On the other hand, perhaps it is an answer to their prayers.

I guess my main advice would be to proceed with very honest and open communication, with caution, and by educating yourself a little bit about surrogacy and adoption and the legal and emotional issues therein. Best to you as you try to support your friends, whatever shape that takes!

NewMommySpirit
by on Jan. 22, 2013 at 4:17 PM


thank you for the kind supporing and non judgmental words! I had thrown the idea to the couple and they didnt turn it down but they did not accept eaither! I think since I did offer I will give them time to think about it and if they say they would like to move foward with it then i will but other then that I did offer and I do know it will be beyond hard so just offering fullfils my thoughts nfor them so i will not pressure the issue or move foward unless it is soemthing they decide they want to do but for now the idea is just in the air! I have cancelled my apointment to remove my bbirth control for now until they decide to move foward and go with it or my husband and I decide to have a another child of our own! But i do appreciate your words and out look and your right! I will keep it with me in this situation and anymore I endure! Also I just had my daughter almost 5 months ago so I think my body still needs time to heal before I can have another one

Quoting SarahSuzyQ:

You sound like a very generous and caring person. No matter what happens, it sounds like this couple is very fortunate to have you as a friend.

We do have a couple of moms in the group who have been surrogates before, so perhaps they can tell you a little bit about the emotional and psychological experience of that process... I do know that there is typically some testing and prepapration that goes into carrying a baby for another family because it can be so demanding.

And there are also a lot of legal and health considerations... Covering costs, the possibility of a high-risk pregancy, health or other issues for you or the baby, etc. It's just really wise to proceed with caution and develop a written agreement with the other family. Before going forward with TTC, even if your friends do say yes, I would encourage you to meet with a lawyer.

Plus you would want to think through the issue of contact/openness to the adoption. Obviously your MIL is wanting to remain in touch, which is understandable if you are talking about using your and DH's sperm and egg for the baby. That child would be her grandchild; it would be your baby. Maintaining contact with biological family can be a really great thing for an adoptee, so it's something to talk through.

I'm interested to hear what your friends might say... I am not in their position, but if I were, I would really carefully consider how something like this might impact what sounds like a very close friendship. After all, if you have different parenting styles or expectations, if something happens, etc. A year is not that long to wait for an adoption, so it's possible that they may want to keep moving in that direction at this point. On the other hand, perhaps it is an answer to their prayers.

I guess my main advice would be to proceed with very honest and open communication, with caution, and by educating yourself a little bit about surrogacy and adoption and the legal and emotional issues therein. Best to you as you try to support your friends, whatever shape that takes!



lilsweetpea708
by Member on Jan. 22, 2013 at 5:25 PM
You have a great heart wanting to do this. You can be a surrogate without being a traditional surrogate which is basically planning a pregnancy to do an adoption. The child doesn't have to be yours genetically for you to carry it. Have them think about embryo adoption and you could carry and give birth. I know you want to help, but having a child just for the purpose of placing it for adoption is not a good thing for you, them, and most importantly not the child. Please do t take offense, I really feel your heart is in the right place, but I don't think you have done enough research on adoption. The couple didn't jump at the offer because of the magnitude of it, its your child you are offering. They know it will be the most difficult thing you will do and they do t want to say yes, for fear of you ultimately changing your mind or seeing your hurt because you don't. They are very lucky to have people like yourself believe in them and what kind of parents they will be, but take more time to think and research. Talk to birth moms and adoptees. Look into the kind of pain you and the child will go through, your daughter will go through having her sibling not living with her, and even the grandma you say that doesn't want you too. It affects everyone and even though it would be being done out of love, it won't take away pain. If you still have it in your heart to help but can't do it the way you originally thought, a gestational surrogate is something to look into. That too has its own issues. Most are anonymous donors which means the child doesn't have birth family contact, but there are people that donate that want to be known. i am sorry, I know this is all over but have kids crawling on me right now. Again you have a great heart,just do research to protect it, theirs and the child's! Hugs
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NewMommySpirit
by on Jan. 22, 2013 at 5:31 PM
thank you sooo soo much love =]
Quoting lilsweetpea708:

You have a great heart wanting to do this. You can be a surrogate without being a traditional surrogate which is basically planning a pregnancy to do an adoption. The child doesn't have to be yours genetically for you to carry it. Have them think about embryo adoption and you could carry and give birth. I know you want to help, but having a child just for the purpose of placing it for adoption is not a good thing for you, them, and most importantly not the child. Please do t take offense, I really feel your heart is in the right place, but I don't think you have done enough research on adoption. The couple didn't jump at the offer because of the magnitude of it, its your child you are offering. They know it will be the most difficult thing you will do and they do t want to say yes, for fear of you ultimately changing your mind or seeing your hurt because you don't. They are very lucky to have people like yourself believe in them and what kind of parents they will be, but take more time to think and research. Talk to birth moms and adoptees. Look into the kind of pain you and the child will go through, your daughter will go through having her sibling not living with her, and even the grandma you say that doesn't want you too. It affects everyone and even though it would be being done out of love, it won't take away pain. If you still have it in your heart to help but can't do it the way you originally thought, a gestational surrogate is something to look into. That too has its own issues. Most are anonymous donors which means the child doesn't have birth family contact, but there are people that donate that want to be known. i am sorry, I know this is all over but have kids crawling on me right now. Again you have a great heart,just do research to protect it, theirs and the child's! Hugs



eoewan
by on Jan. 22, 2013 at 6:07 PM

I have nothing more to add that hasn't been said before by pps. Good luck on your journey.

cheers, donna

takes_a_village
by Member on Jan. 23, 2013 at 10:39 PM
1 mom liked this

I have been both a traditional surrogate and am currently a gestational surrogate. I am also a foster parent. Kinda giving you my background here is the legal side of what you would like to do. If the sperm and the egg are both related to you and your spouse then it is an adoption and with adoption the biological grandparents can contest and seek custody..... most are granted it unless there is a safety concern because there are federal laws about keeping biologic family together. If you go to a clinic and have your husbands sperm inserted into you under a contract of a donor then that would take care of it and you would be the only one who needs to sign adoption papers and the grandparents have no rights. If you do gestational then it is all their genetics or a donors and there are no rights by either you or your family to the child. in every scenario except the first adoption one you will need to go through many tests both medical and psychological and will also need a contract. With any option you need your own attorney and in most states will need to see a counselor at least once. Feel free to ask any questions and I will answer them to the best of my knowledge! I think it is great you want to do this for them.

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