Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Adoptive Moms Adoptive Moms

Just an opinion, how many adopted kids is too many?

Posted by on Jan. 25, 2013 at 2:31 PM
  • 9 Replies

 My DH and I were pondering on whether or not we want to adopt another child. Right now we have 4 adopted children. Two from the country of Ukraine, a DD and a DS. Two from the US a DD and a DS. Their ages range from 13 - 21. All of our children were adopted older, the youngest was 9 from Ukraine. I don't think I can go through another transition. Am I wrong? I feel like I am cheating a child out of a good home, but there is so much drama here and they all have different issues, that I don't know if I have the patience to start all over. Am I being selfish?

3MOM627

have a nice day

by on Jan. 25, 2013 at 2:31 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-9):
CrazyLife1996
by on Jan. 25, 2013 at 2:35 PM
1 mom liked this
Adopted or naturally conceived everyone has their limit. If you are at that limit then you are it is nothing to have guilt about. You have given 4 beautiful children a loving nurturing home that they most likely wouldn't have gotten.

Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
shay0810
by on Jan. 25, 2013 at 4:15 PM
1 mom liked this
No, you should not feel guilty. Adoption of older children has a whole diferent set of stresses and adjustments. you know your family and its limits. You have to do what is best for your children first and foremost!
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
harmony7
by Bronze Member on Jan. 25, 2013 at 6:12 PM

I think you are being thoughtful and considerate by realizing you are at your limit. I think it does children more of a disservice when you spread yourself thin. Children especially older adopted children need so much time and energy poured into them...they dont need to be lost in a crowd, that is not anymore fair to them than not being adopted.

I understand the trauma that older kids bring into adoption, our three are a full time job for me, dad and the older boys in our home.

Pam in Alabama
A Mom to nine sons and one daughter with five still at home
SarahSuzyQ
by Sarah on Jan. 25, 2013 at 9:09 PM
1 mom liked this
I echo what the other ladies have said about recognizing your limits... It's much better to be a good mom to 4 kids who need you than a mom who is struggling with 5 or more.

I have been thinking about this a lot lately, too, feeling like we need to do something if we're going to adopt again. For me, it's very hard to realize that my limits are not what I expected or hoped for, that I may not be able to care for as many kids as I wanted to. So I'm still struggling through that process of discerning, as it sounds like you are, too.

I always remember that old adage about putting your own oxygen mask on before being able to help those around you...
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
ScarletRose4488
by on Jan. 26, 2013 at 5:10 AM
1 mom liked this

You are not being selfish in the slightest.  Most people would never have the courage, strenghth, or patience to adopt an older child - let alone 4.    And certainly not disabled children. 

Now I realize this is an adoptive moms group and I know that many moms on here are amazing super-moms who might.  But the truth is that most adoptive moms get babies and would not be up to the challenges you have already taken on.  The general public certainly is not.   So you do get points for being very self-LESS.

You have already given 4 children a home, a loving family, hope for the future.  IF not for you those children would most likely be bounced around in the system until they age out.  I am not sure where you are from but in Illinois the average older child in foster care has had around 8-12 homes (depending on source) and usually by 12-14 they are in some kind of "program" or "institution" and are not even in the adoption selection anymore.   At 16 some seem to fall through the cracks in the system (occassionally with a nudge) and are on their own. 

So from where I stand you are pretty freakin awesome!   You (& hubby) deserve the right to say "enough" and should not feel any guilt over it.

I am a firm beleiver that these children - especially the older ones - need more than a home until they turn 18.  They need a family which it sounds like you are providing.  Part of giving them what they need is having the time and energy to give these kids what they need.  There are only so many hours in the day and the kids you already have need you during that time.  Plus, with 2 disabled children you may have your hands full well past their 18th birthday. 

Personally, I think if you consider anything maybe it should be doing some pro-adoption advocacy.  If you get the word out that you can handle this then maybe other couples will follow suit.  People need to know that this is possible and manageable.  In the long-run this will help many more children.

There are also plenty of people who for one reason or another have an older (adopted / foster-care / family member) child that really could use a great mentor.  Someone to help guide them for the sake of theirselves, their children, and the "taken-in" children.  I think part of why those older kids get bounced around so much is because people do not have the support or knowledge they need. 

For example......   I had just turned 21, gotten engaged, & had an 18 month-old daughter when my soon-to-be-husband suddenly got a call about 10:00pm.  Very early the next morning we picked up his 11-year old neice from the airport & received emergency custody.  She had been horrifically abused, neglected, and walked off the plane with a backpack that contained everything she owned.  I would have desperatly loved to have had someone I could reach out to for some advice.

I hope this helps.   Best wishes to you & your family! 

Jen


dbra
by on Jan. 26, 2013 at 7:18 AM

NO!

Karatemom90210
by Member on Jan. 26, 2013 at 8:46 AM
You are truly an absolutey wonderful person!!! "Selfish"would have to be the last word to describe a woman that has extended her home,family,and love 4 times over! My suggestion to you would be that you should not exhaust and/or overwhelm yourself if you are feeling the need but not necessarily the want to adopt another child.it would probably be unfair to you and also your other children .
ScarletRose4488
by on Jan. 26, 2013 at 8:14 PM

Hi.  So I joined CafeMom last night and jumped right in.   When I read your post I thought you used DD & DS as disabled daughter & disabled son because thats what some of those sites use.   Sorry!  But I still stand by my opinion that you are an amazing person anyway!

Jen
~ I speak from the heart because the truth is always the best - even if you don't know it yet. ~
3mom627
by Member on Jan. 26, 2013 at 10:01 PM

 

Quoting ScarletRose4488:

Hi.  So I joined CafeMom last night and jumped right in.   When I read your post I thought you used DD & DS as disabled daughter & disabled son because thats what some of those sites use.   Sorry!  But I still stand by my opinion that you are an amazing person anyway!

 My kids are not disabled in the physical sense. When I say "issues", I just mean past abuse, sexual abuse, things like that. Three of my kids have an IEP or an individualized eduation plan, which means that they need a little extra help. I think it's just all the different personalities, backgrounds trying to blend together.  I appreciate all everyone's help. This is my go to place for some advice.

3MOM627

have a nice day

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)