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Advice please for visit today. UPDATE

Posted by on Feb. 9, 2013 at 9:30 AM
  • 13 Replies
It turns out my dd ( my boys' bm) has the same rare chromosomal disorder D has which explains ALOT. She is moving out of state today to go live with her dad for awhile, at least 3-4 months. I'm meeting her for lunch so she can see us before she goes. Intellectually she is normal, but she processes like a child and has a big lack of judgement. A huge issue is her putting the boys' pictures all over her fb. She says she HAS to show all her 1,000 friends how gorgeous her babies are. Every visit she whips out her phone and takes pictures which end up on fb. She always has them as her profile picture.

I'm thinking when I call her to set the time, I'll tell her upfront no picture taking. I'm considering giving her a few family photos we just had done so she has their pics but dh and I are in them. Any other ideas?
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by on Feb. 9, 2013 at 9:30 AM
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SarahSuzyQ
by Sarah on Feb. 9, 2013 at 9:56 AM
I think it's a good idea to be up front about no pictures. I would also have a clear reason for the time the visit ends - somewhere else you have to be at that time, etc.

And can you talk to her again about how she refers to herself in front of Derek? :-\

I guess my other question is whether you would just leave if she starts acting inappropriately, or what will happen? Just based on past visits... I would let her know what will happen if she is unable to abide by your boundaries, since that's been such an issue in the past. Good luck, I really hope it goes well for all of your sakes.
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Malley
by on Feb. 9, 2013 at 10:27 AM

 

Quoting SarahSuzyQ:

I think it's a good idea to be up front about no pictures. I would also have a clear reason for the time the visit ends - somewhere else you have to be at that time, etc.

And can you talk to her again about how she refers to herself in front of Derek? :-\

I guess my other question is whether you would just leave if she starts acting inappropriately, or what will happen? Just based on past visits... I would let her know what will happen if she is unable to abide by your boundaries, since that's been such an issue in the past. Good luck, I really hope it goes well for all of your sakes.

 Her calling herself Mummy seems to be a losing battle. She says she LIKES to hear him say that. It's a problem also because I heard Derek tell David that I am not his Mummy, he has another one. I asked her before to talk to Derek about the situation, like how she wanted the best home for him, that she wanted me to be his mommy, etc. and since I doubt that will happen I"m going to have to do it. I talked to my adult son about how to discuss it without hurting D's feelings too much but at the same time not giving him a fantasy view of her.

She has to get on the road so it shouldn't be too long of a visit. I guess I could always act like the celebrities do with the paparrazzi if she tries to take pictures. :) Off topic, but I'm on Derek's school's PTA fb. They just had the Kindergarten Mardi Gras parade yesterday and alot of moms are posting pictures of their kids' classes. So far none of Derek have popped up, but I keep checking.

If I need to leave, I will, and I know she won't want that so hopefully it will go smoothly. I am going to let her know I won't tolerate her dad trying to assert his nonexistant grandfather's rights again, and will block them both if it happens. I'm not going through all that drama again and it makes me nervous with her living with him because she will back him up since he's going to be supporting her. Sigh.

aprilz1225
by Silver Member on Feb. 9, 2013 at 12:46 PM

 I'm sorry tis is what you go through..  i wonder if the disorder came from his genes? (grandpa) he seems to have a touch of it also. but i am with you, I would leave once the Mummy and pics started happening.  hope all goes well she s moving soon, so the photo take'n will be a thing of the past.

Malley
by on Feb. 9, 2013 at 1:07 PM
It's inherited, but my ex and I had adopted my dd and her brother from foster care so not from ex. He is kind of odd though, like has a very inflated sense of himself and thinks rules don't apply to him.



Quoting aprilz1225:

 I'm sorry tis is what you go through..  i wonder if the disorder came from his genes? (grandpa) he seems to have a touch of it also. but i am with you, I would leave once the Mummy and pics started happening.  hope all goes well she s moving soon, so the photo take'n will be a thing of the past.

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Malley
by on Feb. 9, 2013 at 4:59 PM
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It actually went well from my viewpoint. Her boyfriend came with her and she has always acted better around him. On the way there, Derek decided to call her by her first name because I'm his mommy now, but as soon as he saw her he went right back to calling her Mummy and hung on her and wanted to sit by her. He got overexcited and was acting wild, kept sitting on the table, was very loud and quite a handful. She was clearly overwhelmed by his poor behavior, seemed kind of relieved when lunch was over. I finally had him sit by her boyfriend and he calmed down. It also bothered her alot that he has a bad stammer and repeats words several times.
She didn't take any pictures and was pleased to get the family pictures I gave her.

David sat next to me and was a little angel. In fact he told Derek to be good lol.
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SarahSuzyQ
by Sarah on Feb. 9, 2013 at 8:16 PM
It's just so hard for our kids to really understand and navigate these changed relationships, isn't it? I know D is a little bit older than N, but I could imagine a very similar reaction were we to have a visit.

Sounds like perhaps your DD is coming to terms with the truth of the situation, and maybe that's a good thing for everyone. Really glad she was able to respect your boundaries re: pictures. That's huge. I hope things continue to go well for her and for your relationship, even with this move to your ex.
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Malley
by on Feb. 9, 2013 at 10:33 PM
He was confused because he kept trying to call her boyfriend Dad. She's been with him over 2 years and he knows that isn't his or the baby's biodad.

I talked to him afterwards and said she wanted me to raise him because though she loved him alot it was just too hard for her to take care of him. He had a hard time believing that so I guess he thought we took him from her and that's why he's so mad after visits. He asked a few questions and then said he didn't want to talk about her anymore.


Quoting SarahSuzyQ:

It's just so hard for our kids to really understand and navigate these changed relationships, isn't it? I know D is a little bit older than N, but I could imagine a very similar reaction were we to have a visit.



Sounds like perhaps your DD is coming to terms with the truth of the situation, and maybe that's a good thing for everyone. Really glad she was able to respect your boundaries re: pictures. That's huge. I hope things continue to go well for her and for your relationship, even with this move to your ex.
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bekalynne440
by on Feb. 9, 2013 at 10:47 PM
I'm glad things went pretty well.
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ScarletRose4488
by on Feb. 10, 2013 at 5:27 AM

I think that is completely reasonable.   Also, FB has a way to get photos someone else has posted removed it they are you -or children.  I am not sure how but I know it can be done.  If there are any very inappropriate ones you may want to go that route. 

Jen
~ I speak from the heart because the truth is always the best - even if you don't know it yet. ~
Malley
by on Feb. 10, 2013 at 9:06 AM
I ended up unfriended her on fb. It makes her very sad, but I had asked her repeatedly not to repost pictures. She was also making comments on my page about the pictures identitying them as her children.

Quoting ScarletRose4488:

I think that is completely reasonable.   Also, FB has a way to get photos someone else has posted removed it they are you -or children.  I am not sure how but I know it can be done.  If there are any very inappropriate ones you may want to go that route. 

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