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Adoptive Moms Adoptive Moms

DH adopted ds

Posted by on Feb. 14, 2013 at 12:57 AM
  • 4 Replies

Has anyone had an adoption like this? My DH adopted my bio son, I have a very hard time finding anyone to really relate to, either both the parents are their child's bio-parents or they are their adoptive. My DH has been there for my ds since he was 10 months old, my DS is now 4 and has never really known anything but my dh as his dad! I don't want to have the 'you're adopted' talk with my son, however he doesn't really know any different as he doesn't remember a time without dh. We went through the adoption process when he was right around 3 years old. I just don't really know how to bring it up to him! The children books I've found are for both adoptive parents....I'm not really sure where to start with him! It'd be great for any advice! Thanks so much! 

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by on Feb. 14, 2013 at 12:57 AM
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ajdoma
by Member on Feb. 14, 2013 at 10:24 AM
1 mom liked this

Hi Tasha! I think it is really neat that your DH adopted your son.  There is another recent thread from a mom with the same situation.  I think you should try to find opportunities to talk about adoption, now, not a lecture, or anything like that, but maybe pictures from the day the adoption was granted, or just something to get the idea of adoption in your son's mind.  He won't understand what it means, at this point, but opportunities will arise that you can further his understanding, little by little, as he grows up.  That way, he won't ever be able to remember a time that he didn't know, and it won't be a shock.

It's pretty much the same with the way I raised my adopted kids.  I just talked about from the time they were babies.  Just as a bio mom talks about a child's birth, from time to time, I would talk about my kids' adoptions.  It is a little more complicated when only the father adopted the child, but I still think your son will understand, little by little, as he grows up.  He'll know that his daddy is the man who loved and took care of him all his life.  There may be a time that he will want to meet his birth father, but that won't mean that he loves his dad any less.

maggiemom2000
by Bronze Member on Feb. 14, 2013 at 11:42 AM
1 mom liked this

Welcome!

Start talking about it now. You don't need to have the "adoption talk". You just want DS to grow up knowing that he was adopted by his dad. 

Do you have a photo of adoption day? If so put it on the fridge and just mention, "This is the day that daddy adopted you. We were so happy that day! Do you remember that day?" It probably won't mean anything to him right now, which is fine. As he gets older he will ask for clarification as to what it means. 

Show him a picture of his bio dad, even if he is not, and never will be, in his life. Do you have a photo of you and bio dad? Do you have a photo of bio dad with DS? When you were pregnant? A picture of you when you were pregnant can be a starting point. "I had not met your daddy yet when I was pregnant with you." Again, that will not really register with him right now, but later it will make sense, and he will know that he always knew that.

You do NOT want him growing up thinking that DH is his bio dad. He should grow up knowing his real life story, and not remember "being told". That is the least traumatic way.

When you make a big deal out if it by making an announcement, or by not saying anything until he is older, you are implying that it is a big deal, that it is not something to talk about. Why do you not talk about things? Usually because they are bad, or uncomfortable, or something to be ashamed of. The fact that DH is not his bio dad is NOT something to be ashamed of, not something to be hidden. 

Start talking today!!

SarahSuzyQ
by Sarah on Feb. 14, 2013 at 2:33 PM
2 moms liked this

Here is a thread from a couple of weeks ago where there are many suggestions for how to talk with a child about this exact situation... As well as why it's important. :) As you can see, you are definitely not the only mom in the group whose bio son was adopted by her husband.

I would say first and foremost that you want your son to be able to trust that his parents are honest with him. If you don't tell him now, the likelihood is that he will learn at some point... And maybe not even from you. What then? He will feel like being adopted was a "dirty secret", when in fact there is no shame and it is just a part of his story. And it will likely have a huge impact on his trust for you and DH, since it could feel like you weren't honest with him from the beginning.

As always, maggiesmom has some great advice about how to handle things. One thing I might add is that it could be possible to make it into an annual celebration... Braxtin's adoption day! After all, it's only been a year since the adoption was finalized, right? And really, many people shared tips in the previous thread. I hope that can be helpful to you!

TashaLav
by on Feb. 14, 2013 at 6:02 PM

Thank so much guys!! I never really knew how to bring it up exactly! I know this is crazy, but I don't have any pictures of when I was pregnant! I actually don't have pictures of me pregnant with either of my kids! And I don't have any pictures of him and his bio dad together, he walked out when we found out I was pregnant and never heard from him again! But there are some GREAT ideas you guys gave me! Thanks so much!! 

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