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Adoptive Moms Adoptive Moms

I am torn

Posted by on Feb. 24, 2013 at 12:25 AM
  • 16 Replies

My childs BM is a family member who is in and out of prison.She is due to come out again in a few months.

I am very open with my child .He knows about her issues ie drugs,drinking and stealing.I have tried to make sure he knows she has a illness and she ..I have hidden  the abuse he suffered.As he came to me at 3 months of age he has no memory of it.Life is tuff enough without that hanging over his head.Howeber he says he has no interest in meeting her.Almost seems afraid of her..The last time he saw her he was 3 years old.

However she wants to see him when she gets out this time.She has written to him a few times and I have shared the letters with him.I am torn because I dont want to create a issue where he wants to know more and so wants to spend time with her.On the flip side with me knowing what she has done to him and his BS I want to rip her face off when I think about being in the same room with her.She has written to me that she has changed and is very sorry for what she has done and of coarse even with her so called change I would never let him be  alone with her.To make things worse the BMs father is my favorite uncle and he has asked me to bring my child to visit when the BM gets out.

ANy ideas?

by on Feb. 24, 2013 at 12:25 AM
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Replies (1-10):
ThriftyWife
by New Member on Feb. 24, 2013 at 1:24 AM
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I would advise to only take your child to see the BM if you feel it would help him in some way, if you see no benefit to him then I would nix the idea of a visit.  I'd also remind any family members that pressure you that you are now his parent, not a babysitter for BM.  This is a situation where you need to protect your child, he has been abused in the past.  If it were me, I'd be honest with my child and proceed with caution where ever BM is concerned.  To me, this seems like a special circumstance - not an open adoption where you can build trust over time.  Just my opinion, of course...

SarahSuzyQ
by Sarah on Feb. 24, 2013 at 8:14 AM
5 moms liked this
How old is your son?

Honestly, if he says he doesn't want to see her then that (to me) would be the end of conversations about visits for now. Open adoption is supposed to be primarily for the sake of the child, and it sounds like he could have fears or concerns that you want to respect.

It doesn't mean you don't talk about it again, or even ask him about visits again in the future... Once you know she's changed. But if your son is trying to set boundaries to protect himself, I would pay close attention to that.
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Bluecalm
by Member on Feb. 24, 2013 at 9:15 AM
1 mom liked this
Don't let feeling guilty play into your decision. What if this was not a kinship adoption? How would you handle it then? Even if you decide on a visit, I wouldn't rush into it. Wait and see if she really has changed.
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erikadi
by Member on Feb. 24, 2013 at 9:27 AM

If I am interpreting this right he does not want to see her which I can understand. Therefore until he wants to see her she does not have the right to see him. Does he want to see his birthfather? If the birthmother is going to be there, I would be with your son when and if he visits his birthfather.

Tresmom10
by on Feb. 24, 2013 at 2:36 PM

Thanks Ladies...Tre is 10.I dont think he is against a visit with her just seems at times to be unsure of how he feels so I dont know if its fear or just a little boy with no interest in meeting a stranger.Maybe it is just my guilt in play.

He has always known about his adoption.As I said we are a very open family.The last time she was out of prison I let her friend him on his FB account.Which he uses to keep in touch with his Biosibs.I always log in and scan his page before he is allowed on.I unfriended her from his page after I saw pics of her half naked smoking pot in a bed with some guy who was also half nude.This was when Tre was 7.

He has never had a issue with being adopted.I think maybe I am just over playing the whole thing.I dont want to make the wrong choice and have him hurt by it one way or the other.If I say no will him someday think I have kept her away?Will he turn 18 and want to go live with her?I have turned down my family many times in the past few year when asked if I would take him to prison to visit her.My other family members have adopted the BS and a few of them have monthly visits with BM in prison

I have seen Biodad one time and to be honest I am unsure if he is BD.He looks nothing like my son and Bms history is one of really not knowing who the BD is.If I take her at her word BD is in prison for murder.He  will be up for parole in 2 years.In the end I will trust my son and honer his wishes.

maggiemom2000
by Bronze Member on Feb. 24, 2013 at 3:12 PM

At 10 years old I think he is old enough to decide to not see her right now. Make sure that you tell everyone one involved that is just not going to happen right now, that is not closing a door. Later he may feel different, maybe or maybe not.

It sounds like you are being open and honest with him in a way that does not crticize or put his mom down. Keep doing that, keep talking to him, and let him know when he wants to meet wit or have a closer connection to birthmom you will be there to help,

aprilz1225
by Silver Member on Feb. 24, 2013 at 3:51 PM

 tell her that he is not ready and to send email or what have you, till he is. just my two pennies worth.

eoewan
by on Feb. 25, 2013 at 11:09 AM

I agree totally. If it weren't a kinship adoption what would you do?


Quoting Bluecalm:

Don't let feeling guilty play into your decision. What if this was not a kinship adoption? How would you handle it then? Even if you decide on a visit, I wouldn't rush into it. Wait and see if she really has changed.


doodlebopfan
by Bronze Member on Feb. 25, 2013 at 1:46 PM

I agree with SarahSuzyQ. If he doesn't want to see her, that's the end for me. It's about him, not her. If she is just getting out AGAIN, then she has a "new lease on life" and wants to start fresh AGAIN. The problem with this is her history. If you take him to visit her, you are presenting HIM to HER at HER request. JMHO, but it needs to be the other way around and not before he asks for it himself would I open that door. Secondly, she needs to prove to you and to him that this "new lease" can last and that she's matured enough to put him first, otherwise, she comes to him making amends and promises that she will break. That will give her a chance to hurt him yet AGAIN. Perhaps opening an email account dedicated for her communication to him would be a start. Just me, wouldn't do visits now. Maybe later, but not now. Go slow.....

Tresmom10
by on Feb. 25, 2013 at 3:13 PM

Again..thanks..I have decided we will not be visiting..I guess somewhere in my heart I was letting the love of family members cloud my judgement...If this were not a kinship adoption I would not consider this a issue..I hate to sound harsh but she is the one who made this happen...she has been given chances to get her kids back..before my sons adoption and after with BSs.It helps to see others feel as I do...My son will someday I am sure want to know her but this is not the day

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