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Posted by on Apr. 11, 2013 at 7:47 PM
  • 10 Replies
Hey everybody. Our son has been with us permanently since the end of January. He is a wonderful little 6 year old little boy. However, when my husband is at his second job at night, our son starts hitting me and throwing sthff at me if he gets mad and is not getting his way. Once I put him to bed, he finally says he is sorry. But he turns around and does the same thing again, usually the next day. We had to sign a paper that we would not use corpal punishment. So if I am not suppose to spank, are there any suggestions on how to handle this behavior? Because we love him and our little family.
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by on Apr. 11, 2013 at 7:47 PM
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by on Apr. 11, 2013 at 9:35 PM
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Is he adopted?  Because if you were fostering when you signed that paper, and then adopted, he's yours and you can spank if you want.  Those rules no longer apply.  I have never heard of having to sign a paper that you would not spank once a child is adopted.  Spanking a child is not illegal, although it's not mandatory, either!

If my child hit me, he would get whatever I use for the worst behaviour.  You cannot raise a child well who hits you.  That's about as bad disrespect as it can come!

Carla Raley, wife of Bill, mom of 12, foster mom of more than 50
Visit my blogs for stories of the life of an older mom raising a large family, foster/adoption and homeschooling

by on Apr. 11, 2013 at 10:44 PM
We were told the same thing about spanking. How about isolation? My kid hit me in costco and I walked away from her somshe thought she was alone (for a few seconds).
by on Apr. 12, 2013 at 8:06 AM
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I know that when we had our first homestudy spanking was not alowed ( new born adoption). they would have failed us if we would have said we would spank..... I was scared half to death they would take him out of the home if we spanked him at any time. It was like a parental fear tactic on us by the social worker. one day our son's behavior was less then special... (pardon my French ladies) A good swat on on the ass would have served it's intention that day! in a couple of weeks we were going to have the home study for our second adoption. I told the social worker what happend and i said I took somethings from him away instead.. her reply " i would have craked his ass"! no joke.. she said yes some SW's use no spanking as a "way to protect" children, Me on the other hand there is a defference between spanking and beating. She had no problem with a crack on the butt or leg. 

by on Apr. 26, 2013 at 5:31 PM

even though your not allowed to spank hold him down if he gets to violent. i also have a 6 yr old boy how i have had for a year come may my husband is a EMT he is gone for days at a time and the only thing his therapist n social worker could manage to insist on is holding him down its not physical harm its restraint from him harming you...i usually sit mine on the couch hands held in mine with a leg across his. because hitting leads to him hurting me biting spitting once he caught my head turn and punched me in the stomach while i was i believe in restraint he can always be as harmful to himself and you as he is objects.

by on Apr. 28, 2013 at 11:20 PM

 I make my 6 year old go to his room alone.  That works for us.  IDK if it would work for you?  Good luck that is a hard situation.  He is processing all this change.   I wouldn't spank until it is final.  Does he see a therapist?  Start a new system where if he goes a whole day where he doesn't hit you that you will take him for an icee.  Then make it 2 days.  Then a week.  Food works as a great motivator for our 6 year old son as well (he's been with us since Nov.) 

And remember that once it's final you will no longer have that stress of  not spanking.  Remember that he is testing you to make sure you love him.  If he thinks your love is conditional it will always be a struggle.  I'm so not saying that he feels that I am just telling you things I have to tell myself during these difficult times with my new 6 year old baby!  ;)

by on May. 3, 2013 at 2:11 PM

One of the reasons they tell you not to use corporal punishment is that many adopted children have experienced that in their birth family. By using it yourself, you may actually make the situation worse. He most likely has some attachment issues and needs some therapy to work them out. Many adopted children hit their adopted mothers because they are actually scared of feeling close to them; worried that they might get abandoned again. (I know that seems insane, but that is how they are wired in their brains based on their experience.) I'd encourage you to find a therapist that is skilled in attachment issues that can help you and your son work through this together.

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by on May. 4, 2013 at 11:03 AM

Find the "immediate priviledges" that matter to him and take those away.

For little kids, time out takes away their priviledge to play and be independent. 

As kids get older, that will work to an extent, but until you find out what really matters to him his behavior will remain out of control.

For example. 
Tell him in the afternoon, that if he hits you, he will lose his favorite toy for the 10 minutes. If it continues, he loses it for the rest of the night. If it continues after that he'll lose it for the next day as well.
Put specific time limits on it so that it's not "a whole week".

Then reward... if he goes the whole night without hitting you or throwing a tantrum, you will read him an extra book or do a puzzle before bedtime... whatever he likes. Not tv, but something extra with you.
If he goes the whole week without doing it he gets a trip to the ice cream shop with "dad".
Again, the reward is more the extra quality time.

Another important thing is the trigger. Obviously your husband leaving for work makes it harder on both of you.
Sit down and draw a picture of your house with your husband leaving. Then talk with the boy about things that can make the night fun and happy when he has to leave. Talk about how to stop the tantrums, and how you should act when things get out of control.
This puts  control in his hands to think about how he would like you to respond and deal with things.

Just some ideas... I really hope it works.

by on May. 4, 2013 at 11:18 AM
I would have a naughty chair and make him sit there for six minutes. It works. What I did I knelt down and told my D's you are sitting here because of what you did.once the time is up I said tell me you are sorry. I am on the same level as the kid.I give them a big hug and kiss and they get down. You should assure the child your husband is coming back. Maybe he feels he isn' just don't really know what he's been thru. (Just guessing)
by on May. 4, 2013 at 11:32 AM
I think each child has something they respond to better. With dd, it's spankings. With ds, it's standing in the corner (I don't do the one minute per age, he's 4 and might stand there 15 minutes). I had one foster son who responded best to being in his room alone with the door closed.

If he's not adopted you can't spank, but you need to let him know one way or another that you are in charge and that behavior is completely unneceptable.
by on May. 5, 2013 at 9:29 AM

Spanking is actual illegal in some states; doesn't matter if it's a bio child, foster, or adopted. He may have experienced physical abuse prior to being with you and therefore; spanking may not work at all. It sounds as if he might have some attachment issues and his way of dealing with being too scared to get close to you is to hit, spit, bite--anything to keep you from getting to close to him in fear that you are going to abandon him. Since it's related to your husband going to work--he may think he is abandoning him and may not come home. I'd suggest getting some therapy for him to dig deeper into what the problem may be/his history. Wishing you the best! :)

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