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Adoptive Moms Adoptive Moms

We have been matched! Need advice for hospital

Posted by on Apr. 26, 2013 at 8:06 AM
  • 8 Replies
We have been matched and our little peanut will be here in a matter of days - maybe a week or so Til due date! I'm wanting some advice or to hear some stories from you ladies on meeting your BM for the first time at the hospital and why did you say first? Did she have you stay in her room? Did you only see baby in nursery or did the BM want you to be with her and baby in the post partum
Room? What do you talk about? We're you nervous to chat at all? What were you thoughts and emotions? How did the hospital staff treat you ounce you were identified as the adoptive mom?
by on Apr. 26, 2013 at 8:06 AM
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Replies (1-8):
Brn2BAMom
by on Apr. 26, 2013 at 8:07 AM
Clearly I am a bad typer on my cell phone so please excuse my many type-os lol
aprilz1225
by Silver Member on Apr. 26, 2013 at 9:18 AM

i will excuses yours if you excuse mine, no coffee yet...we had a bit longer to talk to our birthmom than you. did you use an agency or private my sugestion would be to have them or your attorney call for hospital protocal for adoptive parents. we both were in the room, they put a band on me and her so we were the only ones alowed in the nursery, when we came to vist little guy they gave us a room, they would have let us stay in the hospital but they were filled. She wanted no contact after but did come down to see him and we up to see her. They staff treated all of us very well, we talked about what ever she wated, if she wishes you to be in the deliveryroom back up her decisions, she is in charge. go with the flow and stay calm. we were very nervous when we first met. just start with small talk the flow will pick up. Congrats and good luck.

KLove_Mom
by Kara on Apr. 26, 2013 at 9:41 AM
1 mom liked this

I think some of it depends on state laws too.

My brother and his teen girlfriend gave a baby for adoption and their baby actually had to go to foster care for 1 week for the initial paperwork to be filed and signed.

Horrible law that broke the hearts of all involved.

So the adoptive parents weren't even at the hospital. When the bmom was discharged, the baby went with a social worker.

Really do your research and talk with your agency about what you can do, and then follow the bmom's lead.
Congratulations! 


lilsweetpea708
by Member on Apr. 26, 2013 at 10:23 AM
2 moms liked this
Congrats on the match. Don't worry about what to say...hug her and the rest will come naturally. Honestly it doesn't matter what any of us did, its all up to the mom that is having the baby. Ask her what she wants. And keep in mind she may think she wants one thing and may change her mind before during or after baby is born. For instance she may think she doesn't want to see the baby before but then baby is born and now she wants him/her in the room. NORMAL! Don't freak out just follow her lead. All four times the baby was with mom and we still adopted. Its her baby let her make the decisions, anything you get to do or be involved with in the hospital is a great privilege. If she opts for no contact with you in the hospital..thats ok too, each mom wants different things.
Be yourself, of course everyone is nervous just try and relax and not stress about what to say or how to act. You will be fine. We had 3 different hospital experiences and all were different. Mostly the staff is pleasant, one hospital they were amazing to ap's, just depends on the hospital and staff and if they deal with adoptions alot.
Spend your time getting ready and enjoy the ride..there will be ups and downs even in the best of situations don't stress and try and script what will happen.....everytime will be different. Good luck and prayers to momma and baby.
megatriguena
by Member on Apr. 27, 2013 at 8:18 AM
To answer your questions;
I stayed in her room for 2d and took care of her and my son. I cut his cord.
I interacted with birthmom from the time she was two months pregnant tho. She went through a period where she was t going to place then at four months pregnant decided again she was going to place.
The big rule here is to follow her lead as others suggested. I gave birth to our second child last year and called my sons bm as soon as o delivered to thank her. If she lets you in the room realize that this is a gift and she is letting you into an intensely private, vulnerable experience. I didn't expect anything to be a certain way and told her frequently that he was her baby and she needed to decide how she wanted her experience/life/ decision for placement played out. I was very surprised when she asked me and not her mom to stay in the hospital room. We just talked. I'm more of a listener so I just took her lead, talked about whatever she wanted to talk about. I feel like I got to know her and tried to save tidbits that I can share with my son in the future. Staff was very kind. Everyone there was aware of the pending placement and treated my son as her son while still acknowledging my presence /possible pending role. Try not to get too sensitive or into your title as adoptive mother Bc at least in texas unless 48h pass and she signs, you have no official role. I kept this attitude and it got me through my first match where the mom delivered and decided to keep the baby. Sorry so long. I am very excited for you. Feel free to pm me if you have any other questions. M
ZoeyBethsMomma
by on Apr. 28, 2013 at 1:18 PM

I've been through this twice. With DD we matched 2 1/2 months before she was born and were close with the birthfamily. We were in their town visiting when she went into labor and we took them to the hospital. I was there for the birth, and BM had the hospital give me the other "parent" wrist band because she wanted us to take the baby from the first minute and be a family. The hospital was wonderful to us. They gave us our own room and treated us mostly like anyone else, although with less attention than someone who's just given birth would get. We were able to go down the hall and visit BM and baby didn't leave our sight the entire time. Because I had a wristband I was able to go with her any time she had to go to the nursery, for hearing testing, etc.

2nd time around was totally different. Baby was born at 12:30 that am when we got the call and we had to travel out of state. It was evening when we got there, and got to meet BM and her family (she was young). I was terrified of meeting her, but things went really well. We finally got to see DS, and it was amazing to spend those first few minutes as a family there with her. The hospital was awful to us, though. They didn't give us a room, and they treated us like we were awful human beings for what we were doing. (it was a very Catholic hospital, so I don't know if that was why?) They were also awful to BM. Everyone who came into her room gave her an earful about how she didn't have to do this and just gave her hell. When they came in the room they would only talk to her about the baby, and didn't even acknowledge us.

So, basically, every hospital is different. Every woman is different. My best advice to you would be to just be yourself. Roll with the punches and go with the flow. Whatever happens, you will have NO control over anything, and you just have to prepare yourself for that. The best thing you can do is be a good listener to birthmom and what SHE wants out of the hospital experience, which may change moment to moment as things unfold. She may feel one way today, but when baby is born feel totally different. Her comfort and how she feels are the most important thing. Like the PP said, try not to get too sensitive (I know, I know, how can you not, right??), and try not to be pushy about anything. The hospital is a pretty scary time, but also very exciting. Good luck to you! PM me if you have any questions or anything!

Brn2BAMom
by on Apr. 29, 2013 at 9:47 AM
5 moms liked this
Thanks everyone for your helpful and insightful responses! Our BM actually delivered over the weekend! We flew in from out of state right away and have been spending lots of time with her and DS. They only let us come during visiting hours...but I understand. We weren't acknowledged the first day really but on day 2 we were asked directly about circumcision. Today is day 3 and fingers crossed he is discharged. Our BM is such a gem. She is amazing and driven and so well spoken and just a real amazing woman. She is a lot like me in so many ways and I really feel like God answered both our prayers. It's been amazing. A few bumps, but amazing :-)
lilsweetpea708
by Member on Apr. 30, 2013 at 10:20 AM
Hope things continue to go well. Prayers to the momma making this difficult decision. One thing I would like to add and hope you or anyone else doesn't take offense this just makes me feel icky when I see it....this woman is not a BM. That is a bowel movement. I know, I know it is being shortened for the sake of the internet but I think the woman that choses us to be her babies mom deserves the time it takes to write it out or at least write bmom. Just my two cents and I know your new to this but some others aren't. Again...hope things go smoothly.

Quoting Brn2BAMom:

Thanks everyone for your helpful and insightful responses! Our BM actually delivered over the weekend! We flew in from out of state right away and have been spending lots of time with her and DS. They only let us come during visiting hours...but I understand. We weren't acknowledged the first day really but on day 2 we were asked directly about circumcision. Today is day 3 and fingers crossed he is discharged. Our BM is such a gem. She is amazing and driven and so well spoken and just a real amazing woman. She is a lot like me in so many ways and I really feel like God answered both our prayers. It's been amazing. A few bumps, but amazing :-)
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