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How did one feel when you held your baby one last time

Posted by on Feb. 6, 2016 at 9:31 AM
  • 8 Replies
I am a mom of five kids well six actually heres my story. Being a single mom is so hard and my youngest of the 5 kids are twins they will be 2yrs old. I barely had a baby boy monday i chosed the birth parents we matched. I held him and spent time with him in the hospital i let the adoptive mom be with me in the delivery room for support. I cried in pain as well. I know i chose the right choice for my child because i am struggling financially and i didnt want my other kids to suffer or not have anything. Its an open adoption but with my emotions and pictures i have from him i get so sad wondering what would happened if i kept him. I made my choice at the 16 week mark and i knew what was best down the line. How does one deal with this everyday i just don't want my son to resent me in the future for placing him with the parents i chose. I know my son will be loved by the parents. He will have a big family since he has five siblings. I love my son and i will forever love him no matter what. Just want to see what other moms have been through.
by on Feb. 6, 2016 at 9:31 AM
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Replies (1-8):
kinshipcaremama
by Member on Feb. 7, 2016 at 8:53 PM
1 mom liked this
I have never placed a child for adoption so I can only imagine your pain and heartache. My best friend in college placed her baby so I have some experience being the friend of a birth mom. You have put your son and his needs ahead of your own desire to raise him. You have my admiration! Please try to take care of yourself. Get counseling to help you process your grief and loss if you need to. Adoption is such a wonderful option but it isn't without pain and loss for everyone involved. I hope you find comfort knowing that your special little guy is very much loved by so many people....You, the adoptive parents and his siblings.
lilyrosee
by on Feb. 7, 2016 at 9:11 PM
1 mom liked this
Yes he will be loved very much with the family I chose. Everyone his family on my side and the family that will be there for him.

Quoting kinshipcaremama: I have never placed a child for adoption so I can only imagine your pain and heartache. My best friend in college placed her baby so I have some experience being the friend of a birth mom. You have put your son and his needs ahead of your own desire to raise him. You have my admiration! Please try to take care of yourself. Get counseling to help you process your grief and loss if you need to. Adoption is such a wonderful option but it isn't without pain and loss for everyone involved. I hope you find comfort knowing that your special little guy is very much loved by so many people....You, the adoptive parents and his siblings.
Kellyjude1
by Member on Feb. 11, 2016 at 1:37 PM

I am an adoptive mom and I can't ever imagine what you are going through.  We were blessed by adoption with a beautiful son, after years of wanting a child so very much .  He is our world !!!  I witnessed the love and courage it took for our son's birthmom to chose life for him and that is something I will never forget.  She will forever hold such a special place in our hearts.  I can only hope that the adoptive parents you chose will continue to keep the adoption open.  Promises made should be promises kept.  We still continue our bond with our son's birthmom we text send pics and updates- Our son knows the love he has from everyone involved by adoption.  We all came together for the love of a child and through him we all experienced a deep respect for each other.  Cafemom has a birthmom group which may be more helpful for you and your feelings.  I hope you can continue to be a part of his life, not sure how open the adoption may be - My heart goes out to you and I hope you can get your feelings out and talk to others who may help shed some insight into how a birthmom feels.  Do you have any support or friends?  

lilyrosee
by on Feb. 11, 2016 at 2:01 PM
Well my decision was a hard one but I did it out of love. I know they will be great parents to my son. As far as it goes with open they send me pics keep me updated I do have her on fb. I will get visits of course but they have boundaries i got to respect to not confuse him.He will know about me as he grows hes a baby now. I will be able to visit I live in Texas they stay in Nebraska. I'm glad you are an adoptive mom and the feeling is precious and a big blessing

Quoting Kellyjude1:

I am an adoptive mom and I can't ever imagine what you are going through.  We were blessed by adoption with a beautiful son, after years of wanting a child so very much .  He is our world !!!  I witnessed the love and courage it took for our son's birthmom to chose life for him and that is something I will never forget.  She will forever hold such a special place in our hearts.  I can only hope that the adoptive parents you chose will continue to keep the adoption open.  Promises made should be promises kept.  We still continue our bond with our son's birthmom we text send pics and updates- Our son knows the love he has from everyone involved by adoption.  We all came together for the love of a child and through him we all experienced a deep respect for each other.  Cafemom has a birthmom group which may be more helpful for you and your feelings.  I hope you can continue to be a part of his life, not sure how open the adoption may be - My heart goes out to you and I hope you can get your feelings out and talk to others who may help shed some insight into how a birthmom feels.  Do you have any support or friends?  

Kellyjude1
by Member on Feb. 13, 2016 at 10:22 AM
1 mom liked this

Our blessing was coming across our son's birthmom who from the day we met her changed our lives forever. It seems from your post that you all came together for this precious baby and I am sure he will know the love everyone has for him.  "hugs" to you for making such a hard decision one I can't begin to imagine.  

Quoting lilyrosee: Well my decision was a hard one but I did it out of love. I know they will be great parents to my son. As far as it goes with open they send me pics keep me updated I do have her on fb. I will get visits of course but they have boundaries i got to respect to not confuse him.He will know about me as he grows hes a baby now. I will be able to visit I live in Texas they stay in Nebraska. I'm glad you are an adoptive mom and the feeling is precious and a big blessing
Quoting Kellyjude1:

I am an adoptive mom and I can't ever imagine what you are going through.  We were blessed by adoption with a beautiful son, after years of wanting a child so very much .  He is our world !!!  I witnessed the love and courage it took for our son's birthmom to chose life for him and that is something I will never forget.  She will forever hold such a special place in our hearts.  I can only hope that the adoptive parents you chose will continue to keep the adoption open.  Promises made should be promises kept.  We still continue our bond with our son's birthmom we text send pics and updates- Our son knows the love he has from everyone involved by adoption.  We all came together for the love of a child and through him we all experienced a deep respect for each other.  Cafemom has a birthmom group which may be more helpful for you and your feelings.  I hope you can continue to be a part of his life, not sure how open the adoption may be - My heart goes out to you and I hope you can get your feelings out and talk to others who may help shed some insight into how a birthmom feels.  Do you have any support or friends?  


CurlersNHeels
by on Feb. 13, 2016 at 10:49 AM

I can't answer as to how to help you cope because I'm on the other side as an adoptive parent. But I can encourage you to (if you do) pray for a peaceful heart and mind about it. Your post sounds like you really thought things through and made your decision based on responsibility and love for your child. I commend you for that.

Our BM has already bailed and baby is only 10 months old. We have the opposite of your situation and for us it makes it extra hard to find/figure out a way to tell him about his BM (when the time comes).  

Her bailing on us has ZERO affect on how we feel about him. He is the twinkle in our eyes, the reason we smile extra wide, the source of our giddiness and the recipient of all of the love, laughs, hugs, kisses and play we have in us. Our lives are devoted to him for the rest of our lives. It is our hope that he never feels unloved or unwanted, even when he's old enough to understand the real truth about his BM. 

I will say this too - we wanted for her to be like you are. We grieved deeply for him and for his future emotional well being when we finally figured out that she doesn't love or want him. Deeply grieved. We struggle now trying to reconcile her actions after the adoption because we had an open/private adoption and thought she would be a part of his life forever. Knowing that we were wrong broke our hearts for him; for the teenage him who will ask about her, for the adult him who may struggle emotionally knowing she didn't want him at all. 

How you feel about your baby  and your decision will affect him greatly in the future (I firmly believe that). It will help that precious boy accept both your love, the adoptive parent's love and understand the situation, his position, your position and your role in his life in the long-run. I think your attitude will go so much further than you realize to ensure that your child grows up feeling well-adjusted and okay about being adopted. Not to mention having a solid feeling for who he is as a person. 

Hang in there Darling. It's okay if you need to put the pictures away sometimes. It's okay if you need to ask for duplicates because you ruined yours with tears. Your position is an example of THE greatest love a mother could ever show her child. I hope you have a great support system around you, but if you don't, take this into your heart and keep it there:

Because of your unselfishness a child will never suffer. YOUR ability to think of more than yourself is the reasons for his happiness. Never ever feel sad for giving a child happiness. 

lilyrosee
by on Feb. 15, 2016 at 10:10 AM
That's very different on the birth mom you have. If she didn't want anything to do with her child a closed adoption would of been better for her. Knowing that she bailed out sadness me as well since I'm a BM to my son. The feelings for your child will always be there even if the BM is not in the picture it doesn't change those feelings. Yes it will be hard for him to understand why she bailed out or if he needs to find answers she won't be there for him. I'm coping yesterday just felt like a very lonely day for me my kids did enjoy their day playing outside. The house was so quiet made me feel sad I had to put music on to not think about the pain I'm going through. I know it will take time for me to heal and for that sadness to go away and seeing my child happy will bring me joy of happiness in the months that will pass by.

Quoting CurlersNHeels:

I can't answer as to how to help you cope because I'm on the other side as an adoptive parent. But I can encourage you to (if you do) pray for a peaceful heart and mind about it. Your post sounds like you really thought things through and made your decision based on responsibility and love for your child. I commend you for that.

Our BM has already bailed and baby is only 10 months old. We have the opposite of your situation and for us it makes it extra hard to find/figure out a way to tell him about his BM (when the time comes).  

Her bailing on us has ZERO affect on how we feel about him. He is the twinkle in our eyes, the reason we smile extra wide, the source of our giddiness and the recipient of all of the love, laughs, hugs, kisses and play we have in us. Our lives are devoted to him for the rest of our lives. It is our hope that he never feels unloved or unwanted, even when he's old enough to understand the real truth about his BM. 

I will say this too - we wanted for her to be like you are. We grieved deeply for him and for his future emotional well being when we finally figured out that she doesn't love or want him. Deeply grieved. We struggle now trying to reconcile her actions after the adoption because we had an open/private adoption and thought she would be a part of his life forever. Knowing that we were wrong broke our hearts for him; for the teenage him who will ask about her, for the adult him who may struggle emotionally knowing she didn't want him at all. 

How you feel about your baby  and your decision will affect him greatly in the future (I firmly believe that). It will help that precious boy accept both your love, the adoptive parent's love and understand the situation, his position, your position and your role in his life in the long-run. I think your attitude will go so much further than you realize to ensure that your child grows up feeling well-adjusted and okay about being adopted. Not to mention having a solid feeling for who he is as a person. 

Hang in there Darling. It's okay if you need to put the pictures away sometimes. It's okay if you need to ask for duplicates because you ruined yours with tears. Your position is an example of THE greatest love a mother could ever show her child. I hope you have a great support system around you, but if you don't, take this into your heart and keep it there:

Because of your unselfishness a child will never suffer. YOUR ability to think of more than yourself is the reasons for his happiness. Never ever feel sad for giving a child happiness. 

CurlersNHeels
by on Feb. 16, 2016 at 6:54 AM

I agree 100%. A closed adoption would have been best.  But she insisted on an open adoption.  

We had a gut intution the entire time that it might turn out this way, but we held out hope that she was actually sincere. We sort of knew that she was "putting on a show" for her side of the family. But all we could do was abide her wishes at the time.  

It's kind of funny now; well not funny ha-ha, but funny smart-alec. I was on CM before the birth and was treated horribly, admonished strongly and called serveral not-nice names when I expressed our concern and doubt about her sincerity.  Sometimes you know what you know. 

And that's the point of my response.   You know what you know about how you feel, and no one ever should discount that or treat you like "well you made your bed"... you know?   You did something that I couldn't do. And I think that makes you one of the strongest moms ever.   I'm glad you took a day to reflect and feel. It's important for you and your children that you're well-adjusted and okay.   Keep your chin up, because your heart will always be full. 

Quoting lilyrosee: That's very different on the birth mom you have. If she didn't want anything to do with her child a closed adoption would of been better for her. Knowing that she bailed out sadness me as well since I'm a BM to my son. The feelings for your child will always be there even if the BM is not in the picture it doesn't change those feelings. Yes it will be hard for him to understand why she bailed out or if he needs to find answers she won't be there for him. I'm coping yesterday just felt like a very lonely day for me my kids did enjoy their day playing outside. The house was so quiet made me feel sad I had to put music on to not think about the pain I'm going through. I know it will take time for me to heal and for that sadness to go away and seeing my child happy will bring me joy of happiness in the months that will pass by.
Quoting CurlersNHeels:

I can't answer as to how to help you cope because I'm on the other side as an adoptive parent. But I can encourage you to (if you do) pray for a peaceful heart and mind about it. Your post sounds like you really thought things through and made your decision based on responsibility and love for your child. I commend you for that.

Our BM has already bailed and baby is only 10 months old. We have the opposite of your situation and for us it makes it extra hard to find/figure out a way to tell him about his BM (when the time comes).  

Her bailing on us has ZERO affect on how we feel about him. He is the twinkle in our eyes, the reason we smile extra wide, the source of our giddiness and the recipient of all of the love, laughs, hugs, kisses and play we have in us. Our lives are devoted to him for the rest of our lives. It is our hope that he never feels unloved or unwanted, even when he's old enough to understand the real truth about his BM. 

I will say this too - we wanted for her to be like you are. We grieved deeply for him and for his future emotional well being when we finally figured out that she doesn't love or want him. Deeply grieved. We struggle now trying to reconcile her actions after the adoption because we had an open/private adoption and thought she would be a part of his life forever. Knowing that we were wrong broke our hearts for him; for the teenage him who will ask about her, for the adult him who may struggle emotionally knowing she didn't want him at all. 

How you feel about your baby  and your decision will affect him greatly in the future (I firmly believe that). It will help that precious boy accept both your love, the adoptive parent's love and understand the situation, his position, your position and your role in his life in the long-run. I think your attitude will go so much further than you realize to ensure that your child grows up feeling well-adjusted and okay about being adopted. Not to mention having a solid feeling for who he is as a person. 

Hang in there Darling. It's okay if you need to put the pictures away sometimes. It's okay if you need to ask for duplicates because you ruined yours with tears. Your position is an example of THE greatest love a mother could ever show her child. I hope you have a great support system around you, but if you don't, take this into your heart and keep it there:

Because of your unselfishness a child will never suffer. YOUR ability to think of more than yourself is the reasons for his happiness. Never ever feel sad for giving a child happiness. 


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