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Help! We always fight about sex, but it's not what you think...

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 30 Replies
This is a 13 years worth of a really long story. I will try to give cliffs notes details here.



When I met my husband we were immediately those crazy in love people who screwed like bunnies. Anywhere and everywhere, and there was no pretense or production about it. It just happened and was so effortless and fun. After a few months of dating, however, things started to get a little weird. Instead of just enjoying each other and the act, it turned into him begging me to talk dirty to him, and when I did so, he'd tell me to say things like how hot I thought his roommate was, or tell him that I want to fuck his best friend. Neither of which I actually I wanted to do, but ok, I'll roll with that if that is what you want. Afterwards though, he would incessantly question me as to if that is what I really thought. This weird behavior continued, and eventually progressed into him wanting me to tell him about ex boyfriends that I had sex with, and he wanted me to describe in detail past encounters. I was not cool with this, but he finally threw a big enough fit that I threw my hands up and said fine. Well, of course afterwards he threw me and all of my things out and said we were over. Obviously, we got back together and eventually married. Instead of people we knew, he'd ask me to find celebrities I thought were sexy and tell him how hot I think they are and exactly what I would do with them. THAT progressed to him destroying any DVDs we owned that starred whomever I chose in semi-violent rages. If they came on tv, he'd immediately change the channel. If it was a musician, we could no longer listen to their music. I begged to not do that anymore, no more weird games, but he literally couldn't cum without them.



Obviously, over the course of us dating and the first couple of years of marriage, I grew a little traumatized. Sex became a fearful and negative thing. Which brings us to present day.



We went a few years without the weirdness, or just light doses of it. He realized what an insecure prick he was, and wants so badly to make up for it and have me be the carefree sexual creature I once was. The problem? He has gone balls to the wall the other direction, with the same concept. He will go online and find pics of people that he thinks that i think are hot and make me look at them. He badgers me about it. He still begs and pleads with me to imagine he is someone else and to take my enjoyment from it like he does, and to have fantasies, and he promises he won't get upset and weird, and says he just wants me to "be normal", but I can't. I can't do it. I have no sexual fantasies, it's like he killed that part of my brain with his emotional and verbal abuse. Everytime he asks, I tense up and decline, which pisses him off, which leads to fights, which lead to resentment, and you have us how we are today. We fought about sex every weekend for 5 weekends in a row in Nov/Dec. The fights became progressively worse and the last two were semi-violent. After the last fight, we haven't had sex since, haven't even talked about it, until today. For 5 weeks we've just been trying to be friends again, because we both said some very hurtful, awful things, and we've gotten along great and spent a lot of time together. Last night though, I asked if maybe we could have sex today. Immediately, it was like I flipped a switch and he got snippy. All day today he has been angry and mean, and making all sorts of snarky comments to put me down. I don't know what to do. I feel stupid for even bringing up sex now, I should have known better. :-(



Sex is never a positive, happy thing in this house.
Posted by Anonymous on Jan. 19, 2013 at 6:05 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Jan. 19, 2013 at 6:14 PM
1 mom liked this
Omg. Counseling.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jan. 19, 2013 at 6:19 PM
I don't know if we need counseling, or need a sexual therapist. He won't go to counseling, he says that it's all me and everything would be fine if I would just "be normal".

Quoting Anonymous:

Omg. Counseling.
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Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Jan. 19, 2013 at 6:19 PM
1 mom liked this
I have, nothing.
jenn75
by Gold Member on Jan. 19, 2013 at 6:20 PM
If sex isn't a positive thing, get out!

The whole fights getting semi-violent thing is very worrisome.
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arilyn4
by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 6:22 PM

then get out of that house and away from someone who can't make you enjoy this life to the fullest. You have wasted enough time, this is NOT love!!

yezay
by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 6:26 PM
Then you need counseling to decide if this relationship is healthy for you. Sounds like its not. He needs therapy for sure but you probably need it thanks to his abuse.
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Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jan. 19, 2013 at 6:26 PM
It's a lot of stomping and door slamming and name calling on his part. He says I am selfish and that I want everything to be about me because I won't preform the way he wants me to sexually.

Quoting jenn75:

If sex isn't a positive thing, get out!



The whole fights getting semi-violent thing is very worrisome.
jg21410
by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 6:30 PM
Im sorry i dont think id still be with him.
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jenn75
by Gold Member on Jan. 19, 2013 at 6:35 PM
He's gone from one kind of abuse to another, still not right.
He's blaming you for HIS problem. Blaming you for HIS insecurities.

Sex should be fun. It should be a way of expressing your love to your husband NOT a way for him to make you feel bad.

Reread what you wrote to me and pretend it came from someone else, what would you suggest for them to do?
Slamming doors? Calling you names? That wouldn't make anyone WANT to have sex with someone.
If you have to walk on egg shells around your husband for any reason, you should think about leaving.


Quoting Anonymous:

It's a lot of stomping and door slamming and name calling on his part. He says I am selfish and that I want everything to be about me because I won't preform the way he wants me to sexually.



Quoting jenn75:

If sex isn't a positive thing, get out!





The whole fights getting semi-violent thing is very worrisome.

Posted on CafeMom Mobile
IndianaWynette
by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 6:39 PM

 I agree and that isn't love hun

Quoting jenn75:

If sex isn't a positive thing, get out!

The whole fights getting semi-violent thing is very worrisome.

 

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