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Help! We always fight about sex, but it's not what you think...

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post
This is a 13 years worth of a really long story. I will try to give cliffs notes details here.



When I met my husband we were immediately those crazy in love people who screwed like bunnies. Anywhere and everywhere, and there was no pretense or production about it. It just happened and was so effortless and fun. After a few months of dating, however, things started to get a little weird. Instead of just enjoying each other and the act, it turned into him begging me to talk dirty to him, and when I did so, he'd tell me to say things like how hot I thought his roommate was, or tell him that I want to fuck his best friend. Neither of which I actually I wanted to do, but ok, I'll roll with that if that is what you want. Afterwards though, he would incessantly question me as to if that is what I really thought. This weird behavior continued, and eventually progressed into him wanting me to tell him about ex boyfriends that I had sex with, and he wanted me to describe in detail past encounters. I was not cool with this, but he finally threw a big enough fit that I threw my hands up and said fine. Well, of course afterwards he threw me and all of my things out and said we were over. Obviously, we got back together and eventually married. Instead of people we knew, he'd ask me to find celebrities I thought were sexy and tell him how hot I think they are and exactly what I would do with them. THAT progressed to him destroying any DVDs we owned that starred whomever I chose in semi-violent rages. If they came on tv, he'd immediately change the channel. If it was a musician, we could no longer listen to their music. I begged to not do that anymore, no more weird games, but he literally couldn't cum without them.



Obviously, over the course of us dating and the first couple of years of marriage, I grew a little traumatized. Sex became a fearful and negative thing. Which brings us to present day.



We went a few years without the weirdness, or just light doses of it. He realized what an insecure prick he was, and wants so badly to make up for it and have me be the carefree sexual creature I once was. The problem? He has gone balls to the wall the other direction, with the same concept. He will go online and find pics of people that he thinks that i think are hot and make me look at them. He badgers me about it. He still begs and pleads with me to imagine he is someone else and to take my enjoyment from it like he does, and to have fantasies, and he promises he won't get upset and weird, and says he just wants me to "be normal", but I can't. I can't do it. I have no sexual fantasies, it's like he killed that part of my brain with his emotional and verbal abuse. Everytime he asks, I tense up and decline, which pisses him off, which leads to fights, which lead to resentment, and you have us how we are today. We fought about sex every weekend for 5 weekends in a row in Nov/Dec. The fights became progressively worse and the last two were semi-violent. After the last fight, we haven't had sex since, haven't even talked about it, until today. For 5 weeks we've just been trying to be friends again, because we both said some very hurtful, awful things, and we've gotten along great and spent a lot of time together. Last night though, I asked if maybe we could have sex today. Immediately, it was like I flipped a switch and he got snippy. All day today he has been angry and mean, and making all sorts of snarky comments to put me down. I don't know what to do. I feel stupid for even bringing up sex now, I should have known better. :-(



Sex is never a positive, happy thing in this house.
Posted by Anonymous on Jan. 19, 2013 at 6:05 PM
Replies (11-20):
Cowgirl_Momma19
by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 6:42 PM
So.... He wants to have sex and get his rocks off while you tell him about sexual experiences with other men, but then he throws a man-baby fit and gets jealous? HE needs counseling and a couple kicks to the balls in his "semi-violent" tantrums. Sex is important in healthy relationships. It sounds like you need to do some soul searching. Do you really want to keep putting yourself through all of this BS?
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Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jan. 19, 2013 at 6:52 PM
Man-baby fit is exactly the same term I use.

I've thought about leaving a hundred times over the past 11 years, really, I should have been smarter and stronger and had the foresight to see that this behavior would never change, and not have married him to begin with. I always thought he would grow out of the temper tantrums and insecurity, at 37 years old, I see now that I really have been wasting my time waiting for maturity to take hold of him.

Quoting Cowgirl_Momma19:

So.... He wants to have sex and get his rocks off while you tell him about sexual experiences with other men, but then he throws a man-baby fit and gets jealous? HE needs counseling and a couple kicks to the balls in his "semi-violent" tantrums. Sex is important in healthy relationships. It sounds like you need to do some soul searching. Do you really want to keep putting yourself through all of this BS?
LilliesValley
by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 7:08 PM

Wow, that so sucks! I think I'd just have a conversation that sex be like it was when you started out. If he starts any of his games then the sex stops immediately. It would be a major turn off for me to think of some other guy or his roomate or whatever and be talking to him about it to boot! I'd just be like it doesn't work for our relationship when I talk to you like this and you can be all great about it in the moment but then you get crazy afterwards. So we're not going to do that anymore, period. He's a man so more likely than not he'll come around. If he doesn't cum, oh well, he'll just have to work on that. I wouldn't feel bad about him not cumming or anything like that either. If he keeps it up he's going to continue to ruin sex for both of you. Maybe he needs some sort of therapy, or you need a couples therapist who specializes in sex.

LilliesValley
by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 7:11 PM

 

Then just reply, really selfish? Because that statement seems a little selfish to me. I wont perform the way YOU want me to sexually perform? It doesn't get any more selfish than that.

You need a sexual therapist, if he doesn't go I would leave, but I don't think I would have married him. I think this can only get worse and I personally wouldn't waste any more time with him.

Quoting Anonymous:

It's a lot of stomping and door slamming and name calling on his part. He says I am selfish and that I want everything to be about me because I won't preform the way he wants me to sexually.

Quoting jenn75:

If sex isn't a positive thing, get out!



The whole fights getting semi-violent thing is very worrisome.


 

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jan. 19, 2013 at 7:14 PM

That is kind of what happened to provoke our last fight. We were in the middle of sex, as it almost always happens, having a good time, then he starts egging me on to imagine he is some else or wants me to talk about another man. This has been going on for nearly 13 years. We stop in the middle of sex and I say no, I don't want to do that. He then kind of tosses me off of him and says he's done, whatever. Then he preceeds to call me "Princess" in a sarcastic tone and tell me it's all about me, blah blah blah while stomping around, slamming doors, and calling me a bitch and a cunt, and telling me what a total disappointment I am to him. And how much less of a woman I am for not being able to satisfy her husband.

Quoting LilliesValley:

Wow, that so sucks! I think I'd just have a conversation that sex be like it was when you started out. If he starts any of his games then the sex stops immediately. It would be a major turn off for me to think of some other guy or his roomate or whatever and be talking to him about it to boot! I'd just be like it doesn't work for our relationship when I talk to you like this and you can be all great about it in the moment but then you get crazy afterwards. So we're not going to do that anymore, period. He's a man so more likely than not he'll come around. If he doesn't cum, oh well, he'll just have to work on that. I wouldn't feel bad about him not cumming or anything like that either. If he keeps it up he's going to continue to ruin sex for both of you. Maybe he needs some sort of therapy, or you need a couples therapist who specializes in sex.


LilliesValley
by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 7:19 PM

 That all I would block out the best you can. But I would not have this conversation while you are in the middle of having sex. I would have it when you're watching tv or something. It needs to not be an in the moment kind of thing.

The name calling and shit would also need to be addressed and if he can't change that and get some serious therapy individually and as a couple with you then I think you need to start making your plans to leave. It doesn't seem like much of a relationship to me. But that's just my opinion.


Quoting Anonymous:

That is kind of what happened to provoke our last fight. We were in the middle of sex, as it almost always happens, having a good time, then he starts egging me on to imagine he is some else or wants me to talk about another man. This has been going on for nearly 13 years. We stop in the middle of sex and I say no, I don't want to do that. He then kind of tosses me off of him and says he's done, whatever. Then he preceeds to call me "Princess" in a sarcastic tone and tell me it's all about me, blah blah blah while stomping around, slamming doors, and calling me a bitch and a cunt, and telling me what a total disappointment I am to him. And how much less of a woman I am for not being able to satisfy her husband.

Quoting LilliesValley:

Wow, that so sucks! I think I'd just have a conversation that sex be like it was when you started out. If he starts any of his games then the sex stops immediately. It would be a major turn off for me to think of some other guy or his roomate or whatever and be talking to him about it to boot! I'd just be like it doesn't work for our relationship when I talk to you like this and you can be all great about it in the moment but then you get crazy afterwards. So we're not going to do that anymore, period. He's a man so more likely than not he'll come around. If he doesn't cum, oh well, he'll just have to work on that. I wouldn't feel bad about him not cumming or anything like that either. If he keeps it up he's going to continue to ruin sex for both of you. Maybe he needs some sort of therapy, or you need a couples therapist who specializes in sex.

 


 

Cowgirl_Momma19
by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 7:45 PM
You deserve better. How can he not see the damage he continues to do to your relationship? Sex is supposed to be fun, relaxing, sexy, etc. Not full of fear, anxiety, and humiliation. I was in a previous relationship where my SO would lay in bed next to me and belittle me about how I wasn't good enough for him sexually. Truthfully I'm a closet freak, but he shut that part of me down. There were times he would scream at me for not being turned on enough to have sex. I was at a point where I completely loathed the idea of sex with that ass clown and finally left. Granted I didn't have children with him, so my situation is a bit different from yours, but I'm very happy with my current relationship. He worships be in and out of the bedroom. Every woman deserves that! I'm so sorry you are faced with a situation like this. Good luck and do what makes YOU happy!!


Quoting Anonymous:

Man-baby fit is exactly the same term I use.



I've thought about leaving a hundred times over the past 11 years, really, I should have been smarter and stronger and had the foresight to see that this behavior would never change, and not have married him to begin with. I always thought he would grow out of the temper tantrums and insecurity, at 37 years old, I see now that I really have been wasting my time waiting for maturity to take hold of him.



Quoting Cowgirl_Momma19:

So.... He wants to have sex and get his rocks off while you tell him about sexual experiences with other men, but then he throws a man-baby fit and gets jealous? HE needs counseling and a couple kicks to the balls in his "semi-violent" tantrums. Sex is important in healthy relationships. It sounds like you need to do some soul searching. Do you really want to keep putting yourself through all of this BS?

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Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jan. 19, 2013 at 8:00 PM
Thank you. :-) you made me feel a little better.

Quoting Cowgirl_Momma19:

You deserve better. How can he not see the damage he continues to do to your relationship? Sex is supposed to be fun, relaxing, sexy, etc. Not full of fear, anxiety, and humiliation. I was in a previous relationship where my SO would lay in bed next to me and belittle me about how I wasn't good enough for him sexually. Truthfully I'm a closet freak, but he shut that part of me down. There were times he would scream at me for not being turned on enough to have sex. I was at a point where I completely loathed the idea of sex with that ass clown and finally left. Granted I didn't have children with him, so my situation is a bit different from yours, but I'm very happy with my current relationship. He worships be in and out of the bedroom. Every woman deserves that! I'm so sorry you are faced with a situation like this. Good luck and do what makes YOU happy!!




Quoting Anonymous:

Man-baby fit is exactly the same term I use.





I've thought about leaving a hundred times over the past 11 years, really, I should have been smarter and stronger and had the foresight to see that this behavior would never change, and not have married him to begin with. I always thought he would grow out of the temper tantrums and insecurity, at 37 years old, I see now that I really have been wasting my time waiting for maturity to take hold of him.





Quoting Cowgirl_Momma19:

So.... He wants to have sex and get his rocks off while you tell him about sexual experiences with other men, but then he throws a man-baby fit and gets jealous? HE needs counseling and a couple kicks to the balls in his "semi-violent" tantrums. Sex is important in healthy relationships. It sounds like you need to do some soul searching. Do you really want to keep putting yourself through all of this BS?

Anonymous
by Anonymous 4 on Jan. 19, 2013 at 8:10 PM
Omg. Ur the normal one. He needs some serious help. He sounds dangerous i would leave him if i were u. U can find a loving man who would treat u right inside and outside the bedroom. Sex should never be feared in a relationship.
stargazerwolf
by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 9:46 PM

That is crazy! He obviously has some kind of issue if he wants you to imagine someone else and continues asking for it until you do, then gets mad. That doesn't even make sense. Tell him that he either needs to get help or you are going to leave. If he gets so angry over all this then it is possible he could become violent. I'm not sure why a person would act like that. You probably have to start packing and everything to get it through to him that you will really leave if he doesn't get help.

You deserve someone better and that is not normal at all with the way he is acting. He is being selfish and crazy, you are normal, I wouldn't want to tell sex details from past relationships during sex (or any time) with my SO, I also wouldn't want to be told I have to imagine someone else, i never imagine anyone else during sex...

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