Need advice...probably long :/
- 13 Replies
So I'm posting anonymously cause i will most likely be bashed alot by this post and if you came to do that, please keep going cause i really need some advice. I am not a troll nor looking for attention, just really need other opinions on my situation, some from a third party perspective who have nothing invested in my relationship.
OK. so start from the beginning...we got together young. since we were 15. been together 15 years. i've cheated on him quite a few times. we've worked through it and continued on. (after years of therapy, found out im a sex addict based on being molested when i was a child, not an excuse but that helped him in getting through it and working with me)we did a threesome one time, we actually moved her in as a live in girlfriend till she tried to take him from me and it ended there, but he cheated on me w/ her because he had sex with her twice before we did the threesome, his logic, we were gonna do the threesome anyways. we tried an open relationship one time. he's always worked as a bouncer in strip clubs. he was the one who asked for it. we agreed and did our thing. or so i thought. he didn't like that i was having more fun than he was because he was shy and unsure of himself. so he ended it. ok fine. well he considers those trysts as cheating cause i never told him about them. ok, fine. so we move on. get through it, have our son. I'm bi so we've tried the threesome again, didn't work out cause the girl only agreed cause she wanted him. he knows i'm really sexual and told me i could play with girls. Well, he just recently started back to work, started going to the gym and told me he wants an open relationship where we both sleep with other girls. On top of this he's trying to join a motorcycle club. He works nights, i work 12 hour days. So when i work, we have at max an hour and a half before he leaves for work from the time i get home. while i cherish our time together, i don't think he does. On his nights off he'd rather be out with the guys all night and by all night i mean from 7p-6a. we fight about this cause i'd like to spend some time w/ my husband. on my days off, i'll lay with him in bed just to be with him but i'll leave so he can get his sleep. he does not help around the house AT ALL. i cook clean EVERYTHING. I might get lucky and he takes the garbage to the can but that's if its been sitting for a week and i've bitched at him. So i guess my question for advice is, how should i handle this? do i owe it to him to "sow his wild oats" cause i've cheated on him or is the past the past? btw, he holds grudges and anytime we fight, he brings up the cheating. is he just going through a mid life crisis at 30? I have made some rules for if this starts, like not in the house unless its a threesome, does not interfere w/ spouse/family time (not that we have much of that anyway :() no money spent on her unless for condoms, she is not his girlfriend, always use protection, no exception, she cannot ride his motorcycle, that is my seat, if feelings evolve it stops, its only sex, no pet names i.e baby, honey, sweetheart, though hun babe are ok, not as endearing, he needs to be upfront with these girls that they are just a peice of ass and he is not leaving me and if they try anything they will regret it. sooooo opinions ladies??? i know this is one heck of a problem...
Good luck.
i don't have other girlfriends, i just have the option if i want to. i'm way too busy to do anything outside working and taking care of the home. but he doesn't see that. Im just afraid if i say no to the open relationship he's gonna do it anyways cause what i've put him through and i'd rather have rules in place to make it better than him just putting his thing all over the place.
Quoting Anonymous:
Wow, you have a very big messed up relationship, sorry to say. If it was me I'd stop with the other girls (because it seems thats all he wants) and work on your relationship with him. From what you said, you've both worked threw you cheating in the past, so I say stop with the 3somes and other "girlfriends" and start fresh.
Good luck.
Have you two ever just been together!?? Seriously doesn't sound like you two can actually be in a monogamous relationship. This isn't bashing this is me simply saying from the outside you both have unresolved issues and you need to separately work on those internal issues and then see if you can handle a relationship because it sounds like the two of you use others as a way to stay together because honestly without the threesomes or the live in girls or the "open" relationship there is nothing "there" those arrangements only rarely work in the instances of a happy committed secure couple who know even If their spouse decided to cut all of the extra activity they'd have something in common and they'd still be committed, not take and say all those "get together a" was in some way cheating. Sounds like you and him have lots of work to do mama.. Good luck
There doesn't seem to be any trust in your relationship. That is a huge problem. I personally wouldn't share my husband with anyone. Have you considered couples therapy? At this point, I think the both of you need to commit on your relationship if you want to preserve it. If you two want to have an open relationship, that's fine, but your own relationship should come first. I would stop the openness until the trust issues and your intimacy as a couple is repaired.
Yeah we haven't always had people on the sides, its rare but there. and thank you for your reply :)
Quoting mamanay041010:
Have you two ever just been together!?? Seriously doesn't sound like you two can actually be in a monogamous relationship. This isn't bashing this is me simply saying from the outside you both have unresolved issues and you need to separately work on those internal issues and then see if you can handle a relationship because it sounds like the two of you use others as a way to stay together because honestly without the threesomes or the live in girls or the "open" relationship there is nothing "there" those arrangements only rarely work in the instances of a happy committed secure couple who know even If their spouse decided to cut all of the extra activity they'd have something in common and they'd still be committed, not take and say all those "get together a" was in some way cheating. Sounds like you and him have lots of work to do mama.. Good luck
yeah i agree with you. he won't go to therapy with me because he thinks i'm the only one with a problem. and i agree i really don't wanna do the open thing but i feel if i don't agree to it he'll cheat on me.
Quoting TheLadyAmalthea:
There doesn't seem to be any trust in your relationship. That is a huge problem. I personally wouldn't share my husband with anyone. Have you considered couples therapy? At this point, I think the both of you need to commit on your relationship if you want to preserve it. If you two want to have an open relationship, that's fine, but your own relationship should come first. I would stop the openness until the trust issues and your intimacy as a couple is repaired.
You're welcome, at the end of the day it's going to take both of you agreeing to fix this for it to be fixed, if you both want it, it can be done
Quoting Anonymous:Yeah we haven't always had people on the sides, its rare but there. and thank you for your reply :)
Quoting mamanay041010:
Have you two ever just been together!?? Seriously doesn't sound like you two can actually be in a monogamous relationship. This isn't bashing this is me simply saying from the outside you both have unresolved issues and you need to separately work on those internal issues and then see if you can handle a relationship because it sounds like the two of you use others as a way to stay together because honestly without the threesomes or the live in girls or the "open" relationship there is nothing "there" those arrangements only rarely work in the instances of a happy committed secure couple who know even If their spouse decided to cut all of the extra activity they'd have something in common and they'd still be committed, not take and say all those "get together a" was in some way cheating. Sounds like you and him have lots of work to do mama.. Good luck
It takes two in a relationship. If he isn't willing to go to therapy with you or accept that he is part of the problem, then it could be time to move on. Every relationship is a give and take. If he respects and loves you, he will try. If he doesn't respect you, it may be time to think about moving on with your life. You do not sound like you are happy in your relationship at this time. He has to be willing to work on it in order for it to work. Love means compromising for the other person. But at this point, it seems you have both cheated enough in the past that the trust may not be rebuilt.
Quoting Anonymous:yeah i agree with you. he won't go to therapy with me because he thinks i'm the only one with a problem. and i agree i really don't wanna do the open thing but i feel if i don't agree to it he'll cheat on me.
Quoting TheLadyAmalthea:
There doesn't seem to be any trust in your relationship. That is a huge problem. I personally wouldn't share my husband with anyone. Have you considered couples therapy? At this point, I think the both of you need to commit on your relationship if you want to preserve it. If you two want to have an open relationship, that's fine, but your own relationship should come first. I would stop the openness until the trust issues and your intimacy as a couple is repaired.
cheating