OK. Here I go. I am 32. I have a 12 year old and a 5 year old and have been married for almost 14 years. And for just about my entire marriage I have been bitching about our sex life. I wouldn't say there is much "life" in it at all though. It was great until my daughter was born (she's the 12 year old, so what does that tell you.) And by great I mean frequent,,,,that's about it. I have basically never had sex on a regular basis. I would settle for once a week, but who am I kidding? There has NEVER been spontaneity. Ever. I rarely initiate, because really I feel like if he isn't, then he must not want it. He never says "make love." I hear the "sorry I fell asleep" crap often and I feel like tired or not, us being together should take priority. Also, I have only tried being on top ONCE. Yep, you read it right....one time. I am overweight, and that combined with everything else has made me feel like I am not a woman at all. I have serious jealousy issues, and I would just love to feel normal. I always feel like there's , me and then there are real women. (every other woman.) I am so sick of having the same argument. Who does that for 14 years?! And who has these issues their whole marriage? And at 32? I feel like I am begging for sex, and then if we have sex, it must be because of all my bitching. I feel like I just want to say "let's be roomates." Leave the sex out completely.
Thank you everyone who has responded with encouragement and advice. I am glad I finally got to get all of it off my chest and I really do appreciate that you all took the time to respond. And nobody was mean (that's always nice!) It will obviously take time to see changes but I will update in the future.......
is there a possibility that he is dealing with some esteem issues too?
Quoting aandt1999:
I am not great at it. I do whisper things to him though or make little jokes that make it obvious that's what I want. I would say "he just turned 40 and maybe he needs to see a doctor or something" but again, it's been going on for a long time. Now I haven't talked to him for two days, except to bitch at him for a stupid purchase he made that is costing us more money.
Quoting jynkx:have you tried being out right flirtatious with him?
Quoting aandt1999:
Yes, I definitely have self esteem issues, always have. And the fact that I am still dealing with this only reinforces my feelings. If he can go to work tired just because there is a paycheck in the end, it makes me feel like there is no reward for making an effort with me. All the dinners out and cards, etc aren't the same thing. It is rather hard to believe that he would want to....I know what pretty is, I see what guys are attracted to, and I know I have to keep working on that aspect of myself. I dream of the day I can go in Victoria's Secret and buy more than perfume! But I can't imagine him ever thinking that I don't want it, not after my years of bitching about it. I will talk to him again. It's just at the point where I feel embarassed and desperate. Sigh.
Quoting jynkx:it kinda sounds like you have self esteem issues that are getting in the way of your sex life. you need to push those thoughts aside, after all he chose to be with you didnt he? stop comparing yourself to the women he didnt ask to be his wife. also, your feeling like he dosent want it because he dosent initiate it, maybe he dosent initiate for thinking you dont want it. just a thought. i think you guys need to talk and make something happen. you obviously want it since you made this post, and i have met a scarce few men who arent just about always up for some sexy time. good luck, girl.
Sounds like I have some work to do. He used to tear lingerie off of me, now it just hangs in the closet! Maybe I should go around the corner to the Adam and Eve store and see what they have. That scares me too, they'll probably wonder what on earth I am doing in there. Buuuut........I will try. Thanks again.
Quoting Jazzy2010:
I had the same issue for a long time but the tables where turned he wanted sex. And I would push him away I feel self conscious and insecure. Recently I have let those thing go. I became more open and playful sexually it was difficult at first but this last month has been great. Maybe he need a little more from your part to show him what he needs. Relationship are so difficult sometimes. Good Luck.
Ha! He may be. Do I ask him? I tell him how good he looks all the time. Maybe that isn't enough.
Quoting jynkx:
is there a possibility that he is dealing with some esteem issues too?
Quoting aandt1999:
I am not great at it. I do whisper things to him though or make little jokes that make it obvious that's what I want. I would say "he just turned 40 and maybe he needs to see a doctor or something" but again, it's been going on for a long time. Now I haven't talked to him for two days, except to bitch at him for a stupid purchase he made that is costing us more money.
Quoting jynkx:have you tried being out right flirtatious with him?
Quoting aandt1999:
Yes, I definitely have self esteem issues, always have. And the fact that I am still dealing with this only reinforces my feelings. If he can go to work tired just because there is a paycheck in the end, it makes me feel like there is no reward for making an effort with me. All the dinners out and cards, etc aren't the same thing. It is rather hard to believe that he would want to....I know what pretty is, I see what guys are attracted to, and I know I have to keep working on that aspect of myself. I dream of the day I can go in Victoria's Secret and buy more than perfume! But I can't imagine him ever thinking that I don't want it, not after my years of bitching about it. I will talk to him again. It's just at the point where I feel embarassed and desperate. Sigh.
Quoting jynkx:it kinda sounds like you have self esteem issues that are getting in the way of your sex life. you need to push those thoughts aside, after all he chose to be with you didnt he? stop comparing yourself to the women he didnt ask to be his wife. also, your feeling like he dosent want it because he dosent initiate it, maybe he dosent initiate for thinking you dont want it. just a thought. i think you guys need to talk and make something happen. you obviously want it since you made this post, and i have met a scarce few men who arent just about always up for some sexy time. good luck, girl.
you know too well that what you "say" isnt going to do much, make him "feel" like you want him. start with simple things like frequent physical contack. a touch here, a rub there, a spontanious kiss (even if its a peck) now and then. if your sitting by him, go ahead and touch his legs and or arms, maybe rub his head (my guy like that..lol). things can quickly turn sexual once touching begins.
Quoting aandt1999:
Ha! He may be. Do I ask him? I tell him how good he looks all the time. Maybe that isn't enough.
Quoting jynkx:
is there a possibility that he is dealing with some esteem issues too?
Quoting aandt1999:
I am not great at it. I do whisper things to him though or make little jokes that make it obvious that's what I want. I would say "he just turned 40 and maybe he needs to see a doctor or something" but again, it's been going on for a long time. Now I haven't talked to him for two days, except to bitch at him for a stupid purchase he made that is costing us more money.
Quoting jynkx:have you tried being out right flirtatious with him?
Quoting aandt1999:
Yes, I definitely have self esteem issues, always have. And the fact that I am still dealing with this only reinforces my feelings. If he can go to work tired just because there is a paycheck in the end, it makes me feel like there is no reward for making an effort with me. All the dinners out and cards, etc aren't the same thing. It is rather hard to believe that he would want to....I know what pretty is, I see what guys are attracted to, and I know I have to keep working on that aspect of myself. I dream of the day I can go in Victoria's Secret and buy more than perfume! But I can't imagine him ever thinking that I don't want it, not after my years of bitching about it. I will talk to him again. It's just at the point where I feel embarassed and desperate. Sigh.
Quoting jynkx:it kinda sounds like you have self esteem issues that are getting in the way of your sex life. you need to push those thoughts aside, after all he chose to be with you didnt he? stop comparing yourself to the women he didnt ask to be his wife. also, your feeling like he dosent want it because he dosent initiate it, maybe he dosent initiate for thinking you dont want it. just a thought. i think you guys need to talk and make something happen. you obviously want it since you made this post, and i have met a scarce few men who arent just about always up for some sexy time. good luck, girl.
I will start doing those things more often. It's very hard any more because I have zilch for confidence. I will though I swear ;) I have to say that when he realized I was pissed and went to the spare room, he sent me a text saying "I love you babe. So sorry I fell asleep last night. PLEASE forgive me." That's cute I guess. I also don't know how to get out of my prideful mood. I don't come from a family of apologists. And then I need to figure out how to get rid of my youngest one, lol. He NEVER sleeps unless we do! No naps.
Quoting jynkx:you know too well that what you "say" isnt going to do much, make him "feel" like you want him. start with simple things like frequent physical contack. a touch here, a rub there, a spontanious kiss (even if its a peck) now and then. if your sitting by him, go ahead and touch his legs and or arms, maybe rub his head (my guy like that..lol). things can quickly turn sexual once touching begins.
Quoting aandt1999:
Ha! He may be. Do I ask him? I tell him how good he looks all the time. Maybe that isn't enough.
Quoting jynkx:
is there a possibility that he is dealing with some esteem issues too?
Quoting aandt1999:
I am not great at it. I do whisper things to him though or make little jokes that make it obvious that's what I want. I would say "he just turned 40 and maybe he needs to see a doctor or something" but again, it's been going on for a long time. Now I haven't talked to him for two days, except to bitch at him for a stupid purchase he made that is costing us more money.
Quoting jynkx:have you tried being out right flirtatious with him?
Quoting aandt1999:
Yes, I definitely have self esteem issues, always have. And the fact that I am still dealing with this only reinforces my feelings. If he can go to work tired just because there is a paycheck in the end, it makes me feel like there is no reward for making an effort with me. All the dinners out and cards, etc aren't the same thing. It is rather hard to believe that he would want to....I know what pretty is, I see what guys are attracted to, and I know I have to keep working on that aspect of myself. I dream of the day I can go in Victoria's Secret and buy more than perfume! But I can't imagine him ever thinking that I don't want it, not after my years of bitching about it. I will talk to him again. It's just at the point where I feel embarassed and desperate. Sigh.
Quoting jynkx:it kinda sounds like you have self esteem issues that are getting in the way of your sex life. you need to push those thoughts aside, after all he chose to be with you didnt he? stop comparing yourself to the women he didnt ask to be his wife. also, your feeling like he dosent want it because he dosent initiate it, maybe he dosent initiate for thinking you dont want it. just a thought. i think you guys need to talk and make something happen. you obviously want it since you made this post, and i have met a scarce few men who arent just about always up for some sexy time. good luck, girl.
Tell yourself everyday YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! Work out the bad within yourself and you will see other things in your life to change.
If you feel your weight is an issue, find ways to fit in your lifestyle to get healthy. You can do it!!
Is there something wrong with me kinda gross
- aandt1999
on Feb. 19, 2013 at 4:49 AM